When is a man justified in hitting his woman?

May 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Curious in Fillmore has been in a relationship with a man for 5 months. Two months ago his best friend hit his fiancée. Curious in Fillmore then asked her boyfriend, when was a man justified in physically hitting his woman, which he replied that it was unacceptable BUT he would find justifiable to hit his woman if he caught his wife or girlfriend cheating on him, then he would hit her …. hard. Curious in Fillmore wants to know if this is a red flag. By the way, she also mentions that her boyfriend is a bit insecure and a little jealous because he has been cheated on before.

Red flag? I would say HUGE red flag. What if he thinks that you had an affair and you didn’t have one? What if he just gets jealous? He’s already has a hypersensitivity over being cheated on. I don’t care how cute he is, how adorable he is, if you have the hots for him, if you like him a little too much, it doesn’t matter, you should have left him two months ago. You should not risk life and limb just to be with a guy on an off chance that he won’t hit you.

Sorry to be so stern about it but when someone has a history with sensitivity towards something which can easily be misunderstood and they demonstrate insecurity in that area, they can be potentially dangerous.  The fact that he thinks that hitting a woman is ok, is cause for concern and there is no justification to hit a woman, even if his woman cheats on him. If that happens, he can break off with her, not break her. You should not walk away from this guy, you should RUN as fast as you can.

 

Filed Under: General Relationship / Dating Advice Tagged With: , , , ,

A man taking advantage of his woman, is NOT an honorable man!

May 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Waiting in the Wings in San Carlos, said that she has been going out with her boyfriend for three years. For the past two years, he’s been down on his luck, having some financial “issues”, meanwhile she pays for most things when they go out, she helps him with some bills and most of the time he stays in her house. For the past year he’s been promising her an engagement ring but so far, the ring hasn’t materialized. He’s charming and kind but even her parents had enough of him. Her dad says that her boyfriend is taking advantage of her. She loves him and doesn’t know what to do.

Waiting in San Carlos, your father who has a vast life experience has spoken and you didn’t listen to him, therefore I don’t think you will listen to me. I wonder if you are hoping for a different answer. I agree with your Dad and the fact that he’s a man, you should listen to him because he knows how men operate; he is one of them! Talk is cheap; you watch your boyfriend’s actions.

In the olden days, with high collars and long dresses, if a young man ever did that to a young lady, he would not be allowed to see her again. This is very frustrating and sad to hear, with all this new freedom; some women tend to treat themselves with less regard. If a guy treats a lady less than a gentleman should treat her, why does she stay around for? I don’t get it.

When you behave that way, you let him know, that ultimately, all he has to do is listen to you whine and then have sex with you the next time he’s horny or take your money when he needs  (according to you: staying in your house, not contributing a dime; asking you to pay for dates, asking you to “lend” him some cash because he forgot his wallet, etc.) …… and here you are, worrying about an engagement ring.

Don’t waste your freedom with a man who doesn’t value you. We should all aspire to have a man who would think he’ll die every time he thinks he’ll be without us. Until a generation ago, your father would tell this joker, “You are not seeing my daughter anymore”. With all this new freedom, women seem to be treating themselves worse instead of better, looks like the freedom we have now, to choose for ourselves, is working against our weaker self.

Waiting in the Wings, picture this: think of the kind of men I would want you to marry – one who takes care of business, one who is financially stable, one who doesn’t take advantage of his girlfriend, a man who can actually stand on his own two feet, a man who can honor his words, a man you can count on when life gets tough.… it doesn’t sound like his face is on this picture.

Filed Under: General Relationship / Dating Advice Tagged With: ,

A man obsessed about his girlfriend's weight … a little too much.

May 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

PUMPED UP in Palo Alto, wrote me to ask if she was being overly sensitive or should she consider not marrying her boyfriend. She said she knows men like to marry women who are fit and like them to stay fit after marriage/babies but her boyfriend seems to be overly concerned with her weight that every time she has to tell him that she’ll miss her work out that day, she feels a pain in the bottom of her stomach.

Her boyfriend is very handsome, has a body to die for, he’s 6’4”, muscular; he has made an effort to work out regularly and since they started dating she has lost 15 lbs. At times he challenges the food she wants to eat, even to the point of sometimes asking her to please not eat something. If she’s under the weather, worked long hours, sick, didn’t have enough sleep … the gym is not going to happen that day. When she does not go to the gym, he gets upset, whinny, takes it personally and makes her feel as if she is letting him down.

He often asked her “if we got married, would you always stay fit for me?” She has asked him what would happen if she had two little kids, was running ragged, tired, exhausted and didn’t feel like working out that day. He answered “what if I stop going to work and earning money?”

Let’s go by parts: men like fit women but not all men, they are different and like different types, some men like their women with curves, some like them hefty with a little more volume and some like them anorexic thin. It takes all kinds and we should be with someone who likes us.

If we marry someone reasonably fit, it is safe to assume that the person we are with will make an effort to stay that way, counting the natural ravages of time, baby making, health problems, things that may change the course of life.

No. I would not marry him. That’s a guy who obsessively focused on looks. When you have babies, your body changes, some women can go back to their original weight and some can’t, sometimes a little left over from the birth will stay for a long time. If you get sick – e.g. thyroid, some weight gain is expected. What is he going to do then? Torture you? Leave you? Life happens.

He’s already warning you, look at this as a huge red flag, that pain you feel in your stomach is your instinct telling you something, listen to it. He’s hyper focusing on the wrong thing, and what is this business with food? You are not a child; you’re an adult capable of making decisions of what you can put in your body and if you get sick and he gets concerned and pouty that you are not working out that day, I would get worry, assuming you are not exaggerating, I would expect a reasonable guy not to whine about it and let you get better.

Tell him, he needs to go find himself a body builder. He seems to think it’s a reflection on him if his woman doesn’t look a certain way. Those guys scare me.  I would let him go and go get yourself a more reasonable guy, stop wasting your precious time.

Filed Under: General Relationship / Dating Advice Tagged With: ,

Going through life with a liar!

May 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Care About Numbers in San Jose wrote me to ask if she should dump her boyfriend of two years because once in a while he lies about things. When they started dating he told her, he only slept with two women but now the numbers have changed to a lot more than that and she doesn’t like it. This has been bothering her more lately, after he started talking about marriage.

Actually, CAN in San Jose, to me the numbers (of women he slept with) don’t get me excited because people these days often sleep around, do booty calls, casual sex is the norm for many and taking whatever opportunities to have sex, is nothing new, as long as he doesn’t have any sexually transmitted diseases, I’m ok with it. It has been two years after the fact.

The important thing here is that he looked you square in the eyes and LIED and he continues to tell you little lies, according to you. I don’t think it is very wise to continue to be in a relationship with a man who constantly lies. Life is hard and sometimes tough, therefore, a husband and wife need to be able to trust each other. Stay focused, the numbers are unimportant but that he constantly lies, that is huge.

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My personal take on divorce!

May 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

A little while back, I wrote a post entitled “People’s True Character Reveals Itself Under Pressure”. I received private emails and comments on the post above but I was asked not to make them public. I respect that because people identified themselves and asked for privacy and I do respect that. What I don’t respect is people being cowards and posting anonymous comments, hiding behind their anonymity in order to make a statement.

I don’t respond to anonymous comments, I have in the past but I make a point of no longer doing it. What is the point? If the person is hiding behind anonymity, he/she doesn’t want to be taken seriously but this anonymous post did me a favor by calling my attention to the question of divorce and I think I should clarify my point of view. He or she wrote:

Are you a marriage advisor or do you get a bounty for each divorce you helped make happen?

I’m assuming Anonymous is referring to the post above and that’s where he/she made the comment more than twenty days after I originally posted it. I would be irresponsible to tell a man or a woman to stay in a marriage or in any relationship if the other person is violent or can’t hold their temper. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that, why would I tell others to stay?

I don’t believe in divorce unless there is:

Abuse – physical violence or constant psychological put downs
Affairs – a spouse who constantly steps outside the marriage bed
Addictions – abuse of prescription drugs, illegal drugs, gambling, pornography, etc.
Alienation of Affection – making love is part of the marriage vows and when one of the parties breaches it for good, what the other spouse is supposed to do? Become a monk? Join a nunnery?

Also, when there are children involved I believe both parties need to put their differences aside for the best interest of the children they created. I don’t care if they are not happy; to me, their happiness is not the most important thing when they created other human beings who didn’t ask to be here. Hunker down and do what’s right. Once the kids are up and out, then we can do whatever we want with our lives but until then, we have a greater responsibility to our children than our happiness.

When we stay and try to make it a happy home and a stable environment for our children to grow and thrive, it also ensures that we have a greater influence on our children’s lives. It’s better than divorcing. Once we divorce, we only have 50% influence, the other half when they will be with the other parent, we’ll be pulling our hair out, frustrated because the other parent may not give a damn and will let the kids do what they want. One may argue that “oh, we get along fine and the children will be fine”. Well, if you get along so fine, then there is no need for divorce, is it? But if any of the four A’s above apply to their situation, with children or no children, it’s over.

One last point on divorce: sometimes people make a mistake, we’re only humans and not perfect. I am big in repairing mistakes. If you made a mistake, repair it.

I know I am going to take a beating for what I am saying here. I am going to receive all kinds of emails, telling me how their situation is different blah-blah-blah. That’s nice, but these are my views and not everybody will agree with them, which is fine. I don’t debate people on this, I respect the way they think, but it’s my OPINION and they are entitled to have theirs.

When I express my opinions, I don’t expect people to take them as gospel or truths, they are MY opinions, that’s all what it is and I don’t care if people don’t like them either, I don’t live my life to win any popularity contest. People who have nothing to say and constant bob their head acquiescing to anything people say because they don’t want to be perceived as not “nice”, are boring to me, I don’t learn anything from them. An elephant has more personality than they do.

The point I am making is that I am not afraid to express my views even if people don’t agree with them at least I don’t stand behind anonymity when I want to say something, if I make a statement, I stand behind it. It may not be popular but at least I have the courage to stand by my convictions.

Now, let the beating begin :-)

Filed Under: Marriage Advice Tagged With: , , , , ,

Does physical appearance matter in the game of love?

May 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Three weeks ago I sold a gift certificate to a gentleman to give to one of his pal friend. He warned me about her physical appearance and told me that he thought it was a turn-off for men who didn’t know her well. I met the lady in question last week for the first time and it wasn’t pretty. Her complaints: “guys are douche-bags, they judge me by my physical appearance, they don’t know me, and they don’t even take the time to know me”.

I let her rant before giving her the bad news. The lady is actually a nice lady, holds a good job and is very sweet but her appearance ….. catastrophic and I’m being nice.  The sides of her head are shaved and the Mohawk is a long line of limp hair past her shoulders, which some days could be blue, green or pink depending on her mood. She has three nose rings, two lip rings that look like fangs and her clothes are cheap street hooker look-alike.

Her appearance would have been no problem if she would go for men who are also into body rings, colorful Mohawks and other oddities, which is all right, some people like different things, but she is not into that kind of men. She likes the nice, clean looking men and gets upset because she thinks they look down on her because of her appearance. Needless to say, it wasn’t a nice first meeting, I had to set her straight why I thought the type of men she liked, were not interested in her even before she opened her mouth. She wasn’t having any of that.

Here is the deal folks, if you wear a Mohawk, if you wear nuts and bolts (piercings) in your body or wear anything that is viewed as anti-social, don’t ask me or anyone else to look deeper into you, beyond your appearance. When you act and present yourself that way, you are sending us a message, we don’t have to look deeper into you. Don’t make us prove something, it’s not our responsibility to look deep and find out who you are, that’s a total nonsense you are asking of me or anyone else.

If I put swastikas all over my face and start going out like that, I can’t expect people who don’t know me to ignore that and look deeper inside of me. If you are going to be anti-social, dressing in a radical fashion, you are asking for that reaction, don’t put the onus on people to dig deeper and find out who you are, it’s your responsibility to represent who you are. It’s very simple.

I’m still waiting for her to contact me for our follow up meeting.

Filed Under: General Relationship / Dating Advice Tagged With: , ,

Schwarzenegger: I fathered a secret child

May 17, 2011 By Leave a Comment

“I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family”; Shriver asks for privacy

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43057177/ns/us_news-life/

This goes to show that even smart women, when they want what they want, they will do anything to get it, even if what they want is a guy who’s character is pretty flawed. There were videos floating around of  his lewd behaviors way back in the early 70′s and they dated 10 years before getting married. People can fake some of the time but they can’t fake most of the time and she may thought he could change his scummy ways.

How about the other woman involved? What a betrayal. She not only betrayed the woman who employed her, but betrayed her husband and interfered with the family of another woman and all the children involved. Shame though, this behavior is more typical of women than men. To be fair, he’s the worst of the two because he’s the one who made vows to his wife and not the other woman.

I wish Maria Shriver well, she is going to have a tougher time during this transition period than the average women because her pain, devastation and humiliation is being witnessed by the world. Sad!!

 

 

 

 

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Do people change?

May 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Corrine from Hayward told me she has been dating her boyfriend for a year. He was married for 24 years to his ex-wife, who he often cheated on throughout his marriage. Her parents and siblings have told her that people around town told them that her boyfriend is famous for being a stalker and a peeping Tom. She thinks that he’s a good man, that if he did what he did, it must be because he was very unhappy in his marriage and was looking for something that he was lacking in his marriage. She believes people can change. What do I think?

I don’t even know where to start. I’m frightened for this gullible woman who, at the tender age of 46, should know better. She has been warned by the most important people in her life. I believe when more than one person starts saying the same things about another person, we really need to listen. I understand that there are women who, when they want a man, will let nothing come between what they want.

Corrine, listen to your parents. He was unhappy and you think he found what he wanted in you? It’s like murderers in prison who find women who know what they’ve done but marry them anyway. The women think the murderers “just weren’t happy” before, but now “they find happiness in me” and will change. Really?

Corrine, you think you’re special enough that he won’t do any of his previous behaviors again? I am sure his ex-wife thought she was special too, and really hung on for a long time. I guess her love, caring and attention weren’t enough to make him stop his inappropriate behavior ways.

You have been warned. You can choose to listen to your parents and siblings and leave this poor excuse of a human being, OR you can stay and have the fantasy that, with you, he’ll be different. I would pick the former. However, I’m just a stranger that you don’t know but asked for an opinion from anyway. I wish you well.

Filed Under: General Relationship / Dating Advice Tagged With: , ,

Cohabitation or marriage after only a few months together!

May 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Today I want to write a post about rushing into marriage or cohabiting a little too fast; so fast that the spit from the first kiss hasn’t dried on your lips yet. A bit of an exaggeration, of course..

Yesterday, talking to a friend on the phone on the other side of the country, she was lamenting that her marriage was on its last thread. I wasn’t saying anything because we had this discussion four years ago when she was “beating” and harassing her then boyfriend to “live” together after only meeting him a handful of months.

She met him when he was in a relationship with another woman, who was living with him. He dated my friend on and off between going back and forth to his ex-girlfriend. He left the other girl and started living with my friend. They married three months later. All of this on and off drama took place within a year.

After three and half years of marriage, she’s ready to throw in the towel. At the time, when she told me she was going to marry him, she chastised me because I told her she didn’t really know him. If she counted the times they were dating “on” without the “off” times, they were dating only a few months, not enough time to truly know someone.

Last night my friend told me that her husband has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and he is very picky about everything. Since their marriage she’s been trying to please him; but everything she does, falls short. He stresses her out, she can’t relax and he picks apart everything she does. She reached a point where she is utterly exhausted, she told him she wants to leave but he accused her of giving up on them and taking the easy way out. He told her she wasn’t trying hard enough to work on their marriage.

She wants to divorce him but she is somewhat embarrassed about what her family and friends are going to say. I do understand that she is embarrassed, after all, her parents warned her not to marry him that soon and her friends did all they could but lock her in the basement so she wouldn’t do the deed. Consequently, since she wasn’t sold into marriage either, she walked in on this one with her eyes wide open. That said, I’m very big in repairing mistakes and at the end of the day, she is the one who has to live her life, not her family and friends. I believe she made a mistake and when we make a mistake, we take steps to repair it.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder doesn’t change; and thank God she didn’t make any babies with this guy.  Bringing children into this situation wouldn’t be in their best interest. They wouldn’t thrive. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, in a nutshell, is about controlling everything, controlling the environment, and nothing she will do, will make it be different. I simply told her, she either repairs it or makes herself infertile so she can’t bring children into this hopeless situation. If she is at a breaking point as a full grown adult, how would her future small children be able to cope being dependable and young?

I still stand by what I told her a few years back, that by-in-large, people in general, need at least one year and a half to truly know someone in order to determine if that person is the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. During the first few months of courtship, people are on their best behavior because they want the other person to like them, but after a while (at least one year), people relax, they feel bonded, they feel so comfortable with that other person that they relax their guard and their true selves begin to come out. That’s when you see a lot of behaviors that you may or may not like to have in your life.

Yes, we always know someone who has done the “deed” after meeting just short of a month, or six months and they’re happy together. Well, that’s nice, but people have different levels of maturity and the level of maturity will determine the outcome of their relationship.That people who rush into these relationships are happy is wonderful; but it’s also debatable because we don’t live inside their homes.

Case in point, Claudia and Casey taught me something. They were the couple we all envied way back in St. Louis, MO. They were so perfectly happy that we called them the “Hart to Hart” couple, or the Newmans (as in Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward). They had a whirlwind romance and married after knowing each other for nine months.  I had not seen them for a while. Then, one day, I saw Claudia at the store and I asked her how she and Casey were doing. She said they were happily divorced for the past three months. I couldn’t believe it! I asked “why, you guys were so perfect together” … She looked me in the eye and said “don’t always believe what your eyes see. You were not within the four walls of my home.”

Since then, I have heard both sides from people who came into my office, who had an immediate connection and made the leap to cohabiting or marry, within months of knowing each other. The successes have been far less than the failures. The reason for the successful relationships was because both people were very mature and truly committed to each other and willing to make their relationship work.

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Would you date a family member's ex spouse or boyfriend?

May 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Wondering in Corte Madera, wants to date her ex-husband’s sister’s ex-boyfriend. He has shown interest in dating Wondering and she would like to go for it but has some reservations, she doesn’t know if it would be ok.  She would like to know if I know any website where there are ethical guidelines on how to be an ex and pursue a relationship with an ex-ex.

There is nothing unethical or immoral about it but it gets everyone angry. These are ex-husband, ex-sister-in-law, ex-boyfriend (or baby-daddy), and I don’t know how concerned you are about some of them being angry because people do get angry. She was intimate with him, she made two babies with him and it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable. That’s just human nature. Understand that while”there is nothing morally wrong” with it, it upsets people because emotions have no rationality or IQ.

It doesn’t matter if he’s an ex-boyfriend, it doesn’t matter if this is a friend’s ex, or a ex-sister-in-law’s ex, doesn’t matter the relationship – when you know people and they break up with somebody; for you to get involved with the person they’re no longer with, makes the circle a little too tight. It makes people uncomfortable, embarrassed and concerned about conversations behind their backs plus rejection or being dump and whatever the hurts were the cause of their break up, having all of that being involved too closely, it’s not a good idea because generally when we break up with somebody we hope they go to the other side of the universe.

You don’t need a website for this; all you need is common sense, even if you ask her if it’s ok to date him and she says it’s ok, it’s not going to be ok. The relationship doesn’t matter what matters is that you all know each other and your smaller world will be even tighter.

To see your ex-boyfriend with your ex-sister-in-law is uncomfortable but if you don’t mind that people will get annoyed with you, go for it. I personally wouldn’t, the imagery wouldn’t leave my head.

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