Just received a phone call from a friend on the verge of tears. This friend is so beautiful, talented, smart, career-driven and talented, but when a man is concerned, she gets a big fat “F” for failure. The guy cheats on her with other women, he lies to her, and generally treats her badly. It’s painful to see them in public—I find myself wincing at every turn. The guy is downright abusive. She knows this, and yet she still stays.

Another friend of ours, also gorgeous, uber-smart, and an all-around good soul, always chooses to date men who strings her along. By the time she gives the “man of the moment” the ultimatum to either commit or leave, 3-4 years have already passed and he ends up leaving.

What an unhealthy way of thinking! Generally, woman who stays with abusive man or choose man that are not good for her do so because she may be afraid to commit, and admittedly, it makes sense—“I’m going to pick a loser so I won’t have to make a decision about leaving because he’s the jerk”. Another reason behind this pattern of behavior is the want to “fix” him. Perhaps it’s a projection of a bad parent who was awful to her and this is her way of “fixing” that part of her life.

“Repeat offenders” of this nature shouldn’t date for at least a year or two, maybe even three, after such a relationship. Why?

Because even though she knows she should not go back to that particular kind of man, or that she needs a dating break, she is compelled to go back to a relationship of that nature because her impulses are unhealthy, even if her thoughts are healthy (e.g., “I can’t date this type of man”, “I shouldn’t be dating right now, I should focus on myself”, etc.)

If this is your case, you have to make a conscious decision to listen to your thoughts rather than your impulses. Those impulses are not healthy. The emotions tied to those impulses are distorted when it comes to love, but your rational mind is still there. If you don’t listen to that, then your romantic life will always be in trouble.

Of course, I understand that it’s easier said than done. You can’t simply will those emotions to go away. So what do you do with those feelings?

How about taking up a hobby? Hiking, biking, painting, sculpting? You may find a talent that you didn’t know you had. Go learn a language. I am talking very seriously. Change your life in some dramatic way with sports or arts. Better yet, volunteer. Get involved and invested in being creative in some very positive way. Make friendships that are healthy, say no to dating for a while. Don’t waste your life while you are waiting for your emotions to mature.

When will you know your emotions are mature? When you are no longer attracted to jerks and you’re able to speak up for yourself. You’ll know when that time comes. But unless you exercise your life by adding healthy activities and quality friendships, your emotions won’t mature.

Everyone expects things to happen without work, always asking, “how long it will take?” Well, it will take however long it needs to. Meanwhile, your life will have a lot of quality in it as opposed to you feeling sad or anxious after you get another jerk to replace the one you just left and continuing the cycle.

Yearn for something of quality, yearn to create something—don’t be one of those people whose lives have been spinning around, getting bad or broken men to be good to you, while you’re trying to remedy your childhood. If you need professional counseling, go ahead. I personally think that meditation will do a better job (and it will cost you a whole lot less).

Don’t let your life be all about yesteryear. Now it has to be about something creative.

I wanted to write a post about this today after hearing countless times how men are scumbags, how they are threatening, how they are woman-beaters and after seeing on someone’s status on Facebook: “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”*.

I don’t believe in this feminist slogan that men are superfluous to women’s needs even though some women think so, especially the ones going to a sperm bank looking for sperm to get impregnated or getting knocked up out of wedlock on purpose but wanting nothing to do with men. Well, men’s services are needed for their sperm right? That’s a need nonetheless.

I don’t necessarily need a man. It is not necessary for my physical survival. But people in general need human interaction, and personally, the interaction for me is going be with a man. I love men. I think men are wonderful creatures who many times enhance our lives. I love men, especially when I get home and there is one who’s coming to see me because at the end of the day, I’m his refuge. I love men because they love me back. I love that one special man in my life who treats me kindly, who holds me tight at night, who kisses my head many times, who strokes my face and tells me I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever seen (even if his reading glasses are right there laying by the nightstand). I love when my man, just before closing my eyes, whispers in my ear how much he loves me. I love that my man makes me laugh and keeps me safe.

I have always been independent—I have my own money and I don’t need to financially depend on a man. But if I will ever marry, then yes, I will be dependent on him just as he will be dependent on me. In different ways we will be dependent on each other. The happiest of marriages are often the ones where a couple can depend on each other in different ways.

Perhaps my rose-colored view of men comes from being taught early on by the men-folk back at my country that one of the worst things a woman can do for herself is to be financially dependent and sleep around with one too many men. The latter in particular can hurt the heart and soul of some women. It can cause a woman to become jaded and desperate, and when they’re desperate they don’t make good choices about the men they go out with.

After going out and laying on their backs for too many men and having none of the encounters turn into real relationships, they start to think that all men are bad when in fact, their bad choices on the men they went out with lead them to where they are. They have no one else to blame but themselves. After all, this is a free country and no one is sold into marriage. We can actually make our own choices about the people we go out with.

Phrases like “men are scum”, put down men. Let’s stop the put-downs, on either side. We need each other. That’s why we are different. Our differences should complement us and not divide us, so let’s talk about men in an elevated manner or at least in the same manner that we would like to be referred to as women. We get upset – at least I do – when men and media talk smack about us, so let’s reserve the same right to them and not accept put downs where they’re concerned either.

Note: The phrase, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” was not coined by Gloria Steinem even though people attribute it to her. In fact it was Irina Dunn, an Australian educator, journalist and politician, who coined the phrase back in 1970 when she was a student at the University of Sydney. She satirized the philosopher who once said that “Man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle.”