Merry Christmas to all my wonderful readers!
Wishing you a beautiful day, filled with joy and laughter, around the people you love. May you never lose hope, may your Faith make all things possible and the love that surrounds you, make everything beautiful.
Sending you the warmest wishes to you and yours!
Love and Light, Cristina
*The person didn’t want to be identified, thus she came up with her own pseudonym.
*“Wanting Him Back,” in Saratoga, is 33 years old and has been with her boyfriend for five years. Her boyfriend, she says, has a “lying problem.” In her words, she says, “He’s more like a pathological liar.” Her boyfriend always has a way to lie here and there; but the biggest lie was dealing with his job transfer. They transferred him to another town and he said he wasn’t taking that job. However, WHB was just told three days before his leaving, that he indeed took the job 350 miles away. In another instance, WHB had to go to the hospital to have a lumpectomy and her boyfriend told her he was coming back to take her to the hospital. He lied. He also asked her to move in with him in the new town so they could be engaged. He lied, again. Meanwhile, she gave up her nursing job and moved to be with him. After she moved in, he wanted her out within a month. She had no place to go and ended up moving in with her parents in another town and just recently found a new job. Now, he’s back, telling her he made a mistake and wants her back. He told her he is a changed man and he can prove it to her. He’s staying in WHB’s town for one week before he leaves to return to his town and plans to take her with him. WHB is asking me, “I love him. Is it possible for my boyfriend to show me, in a week, that he has changed?”
WOW!! In the olden days, men would (as throughout the entire animal kingdom) have to prove their worth to their women before they would even be looked at, much less accepted. These days, some women act more like beggars than the choosers we are supposed to be.
NO. Nobody changes in a week. Change takes time. Stupid behaviors can probably be changed in a week. Certain behaviors can stop, but lifelong habits take longer. Deep, set, neurotic behavior patterns, as in lying all the time, take longer.
Face it, when someone is a pathological liar, he/she won’t change. In order for him/her to change, it would take a lot of psychotherapy. It is what it is; don’t hope he or she will change because they won’t. When you ignore things, you are stuck with them. Don’t be stuck with him, WHB. Thank your lucky stars that you are not married to him. Now, send him off his way girlfriend …. by himself!
“Regretful” has been with her fiancé for 5 years now. He’s a very nice man who, according to her, loves her “very, very much.” He’s very attentive, romantic, and thoughtful. He does all kinds of things one does when they’re madly in love with someone. Two weeks ago, he finally broke up with her after finding out that one night, while out with her girlfriends; she ended up kissing two other guys. ”Regretful” did that because she didn’t think she was in love with her fiancé and that her fiancé loved her a whole lot more than she loved him. She didn’t feel that same kind of love for him; but once the deed was done, she felt horrible guilt and decided to tell her fiancé. He didn’t take it too well and broke off the engagement on the spot. Since then, she has realized how much she is in love with him but was too immature to see it. They are supposed to get together in two days to return each other’s things and she wants this opportunity to make things right between them. Her words: “please help me. What can I say to get him back? I love him and I want him back in my life for good.”
How do you measure love? How do we know someone’s love is bigger than our love for them? I think when our man does all these beautiful things for us, he doesn’t do it because he wants to have butterflies in his stomach. He does it because he has admiration, respect, affection and awe towards us.
When we think we can’t return someone’s affections or feelings, we have a moral obligation to let him/her go in order for them to find a person who will return his/her affections. It’s only fair. Being with someone for five years, all the while not returning that person’s affections – not cool – it’s using up that person’s life for one’s gain. I understand that it’s hard to let go when you think you have something so good that you think you will never find something like this in someone that you’ll love again but that’s selfish and cruel.
Now, if you think you truly made a mistake and you want to make things right, again, between you two, here is my advice, but I don’t guarantee that it will work; but if he loves you and he’ll see sincerity in you, he may consider it and you two may have a shot to have something beautiful again.
Were I you, when you meet him, go to him, hold his hands and look deep into his eyes and speak from your heart. First of all, it’s very important to truly apologize first, owning up to your mistake and how regretful you feel. Do not give a back hand apology “Oh, I’m sorry if I hurt you ..,” “I apologize if I hurt you but …” That’s not an apology. Every time you include and “if” or a “but,” you are not truly taking responsibility for your crap. Once you say “if or but,” you’re erasing anything that came before that. So, own up and truly apologize for hurting this person that you’re supposed to love.
When talking to him, look him in the eyes, touch him – remember, when we are talking to our beloved, touching him/her, releases the hormone Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and it helps us bond - apologize then say “I love you; I want to live to make you happy every day. I want to spend my time thinking about how I can please you and make you happy that you’re with me. I do appreciate all that you have done for me and I would like the opportunity to do the same for you.” Only say it if you mean it. Then you need to let him go so he can soak up the information you gave him and being able to make his decision freely. If he decides to take you back, great; but if he doesn’t, don’t brow beat him. It’s not fair. You had your chance. Take this opportunity to learn something from this, so next time you won’t behave as ghastly as you did. Good luck!
PS: for those of you who think I am teaching her to manipulate him .. oh please! If I am going in front of a judge and I need to act in a certain way, I’ll ask a lawyer to teach me how to behave and what not to say. If I am going to meet and talk to the president of the United States or the Queen of England, there are certain protocols I have to follow and certain things I may not be able to say. Someone will have to teach me that, is that manipulative? No, I would be getting information and is the same here. She wants him back but doesn’t know what to say and that’s when I come in. Now get over yourselves!
Sorry for the long absence. Was sick as a dog, but today I was able to get out of bed. Hopefully all of you got out of Thanksgiving still talking to your families ….. just a little humor here. I decided to answer the email below before anyone else. It came in last night and she needed an answer ASAP. After a few exchanged emails, here is your answer Laura.
*Laura, in Los Gatos, said that she has the perfect marriage. She and her husband have had a very loving and peaceful relationship with virtually no arguments, except when they have to talk about finances. Every time they discuss finances, there is a huge amount of stress involved because she feels insecure. She gets upset because he’s not taking her feelings into consideration, and he gets upset because he thinks she’s too emotional. When she gets emotional, the way she expresses herself is by arguing. She stated that her husband is not irresponsible with money, he’s not a slacker and he pays their bills on time; but every time he wants to make an investment, they get into an argument because Laura “feels” that what he’s trying to do is not going to work for their finances. He should respect her and not disregard her opinion. They had another big argument last night and she didn’t know how to proceed.
Laura, I think your response to him is about feelings and not a factual argument. Your opinions are not based on anything but emotions. When you two are discussing finances, if you don’t understand it, you should tell him to let you research it a little more and then you can discuss it further. In this way, you will know what you are talking about. Put yourself in his shoes. It’s very frustrating when a man wants to do this and that, because of this and that, only then to have his woman say, “I don’t feel like we should,” without any concrete reason. It’s annoying.
Call him up and apologize. If you have an opinion on how the investment should be done, it needs to be based on something concrete; or, if you don’t understand, don’t be embarrassed to ask him a lot of questions. Ask him to explain to you what the positives are, what the negatives are and what the risks are. Afterwards, if you don’t agree with him, you have to come back with something concrete besides just, “I don’t feel like it.”
He seems to be the analytical type; and when you talk about concrete things, you have to be analytical. Don’t try to rule by your feelings. That’s not fair game. One of the reasons you married him was because you liked that he was smart and analyzed things. That gave you a sense of security. Don’t try to undermine him with emotions that are not based on anything.
You can be emotional and not be embarrassed to express your feelings. It’s ok to feel insecure; but tell him in a way that he can understand. Tell him, “I’m scared that we’ll be in the corner selling plastic key chains” or “If this fails, what will we do?” or “Explain this concept that won’t make us penniless“ or “Can you explain everything to me so I can feel secure?”. I’m exaggerating a bit but you get it. Call him now and apologize. Make it better.
