Are you living in the twilight zone?

*Clueless, in Noe Valley, wrote me to tell me that he has been engaged three times. His first fiancée broke up with him after living together for two years; and, up to this day, he still doesn’t know why. His second fiancée simply broke up the engagement by handing the ring back to him and he hasn’t figured out why she left him, either. The third fiancée broke up their engagement by leaving the ring on top of the kitchen table and hasn’t spoken to him since. Lately, it’s his parents who are acting strange. They have stopped calling as often as they used to and are no longer making an effort to get together. He’s feeling unloved, depressed, and lost. He can’t figure out why they all left him. He asked me, “Since you’re a woman, you may have a clue as to what happened to my fiancées.” He wants to know what went through these women’s minds that could warrant them to behave in such a way.

Answer: Sorry, but my crystal ball is cracked and you seem to be living in the Twilight Zone, being so disconnected from your own life. I don’t know you and my emails to you (asking more questions in order to be helpful) went unanswered. I won’t be able to be of much help here, but I am going to give you an answer that can work for anybody in a similar situation who is not willing to face what’s wrong in their lives; blaming everyone else for their woes by hiding under the “I don’t know what happened” schtick.

If you have the guts, call all your three former fiancées and politely tell them, “Since I live in the Land of Oz and don’t understand what happens in my own life, I would like to ask you what happened to our relationship that made you leave me. I promise I won’t fight you, and your perspective would be very helpful to me.” Then sit quietly and curb your urges to respond, fight, argue, disagree, or to defend yourself. You’ll learn a lot by being quiet and listening attentively. Remember to stay silent once you ask the question because when you’re quiet, not uttering any words after your question, people have a tendency to fill in the space because they don’t like the silence. They feel uncomfortable; therefore they tend to fill in the space. Also, when we use humor, in general, it makes people relax a bit and be more willing to tell you what happened.

After you hang up with them, call your parents and them you’re coming to visit. Once you arrive, sit at the kitchen table, look them in the eye and ask them the same thing you asked your former fiancées but add, “What made you no longer care?” and wait for the answer. It doesn’t serve anybody well, when one is so clueless about his or her own life. Go find out what happened.

 

Comments

  1. It’s a nice post.

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