Can you recognize when a beloved is leading a double life?

*Lupe in San José has been living with her boyfriend for three years and sharing the same household for two of those years. They now have a one-year-old little girl. Lupe describes her boyfriend in the beginning of their courtship as sweet, kind, loving, attentive, and a perfect gentleman. However, she only saw him two times a week. The rest of the time he would disappear for short stretches at a time; and when he was away, he never called to say where he was. If she pressed him about it, he would say he was working. Then on the next disappearance act, he would give her a very quick phone call. Sometimes he did tell her that he had to go on a trip for work, but he never told her where he was going and never called her while on a trip. When Lupe contacted him, his cell would always go straight to voice mail.

This pattern of behavior continued when they started sharing a household. Once Lupe had the baby, it worsened to the point that he simply refuses when she asks him to go out to a restaurant, take a walk, or go out on a date. He basically doesn’t want to leave the house for any reason including her birthday, his birthday, or their anniversary. The only time he leaves the house is when he disappears to go on a work trip. Then, he does not make contact with her for days until he gets home, and once home, he doesn’t want to leave the house until the next work trip.

Lupe thinks he’s very depressed and she doesn’t understand why, especially when she’s trying everything to make his life better. She doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong and she would like to know what she can say for him to be more communicative.

Answer: I think Lupe has more problems than she’s willing to acknowledge. I don’t think depression is his problem, either. Correct me if I am wrong here, but I smell a rat. How? Let’s go by the parts.

– A man who only sees the woman he’s dating twice a week and on the weekends is “unavailable.” It’s a sign of a man who is either dating someone else or who has intimacy problems and doesn’t want to get close to others. Why a woman would date a man like that is incomprehensible to me. When a guy behaves that way in the courtship, it’s a clear sign that it will go nowhere.

– A man who is living with his woman and their baby but doesn’t tell her where he is going for days at a time while being unreachable in case of an emergency, is a man who is living a double life. Maybe he has another family. Maybe he has been in a long-term relationship with someone else. Maybe he’s gay; but to me it is very clear that he is living a double life.

Lupe, it’s time to start taking some action and stop the “what am I doing wrong” frame of mind because I believe you know very well that you are not doing anything wrong. I understand your thinking because if you keep thinking that you are the one doing something wrong then you can fix it. Sorry, but in this case you can’t fix it and there is nothing you can say to him that will change his mind. You have been trying for three years to get him to be more communicative and no change has been forthcoming; therefore it’s now time to take some concrete action.

It would be very useful for you to hire a private investigator and find out what the real truth is because the truth won’t come from your boyfriend. If finances are hard, save some money, borrow from your parents, or have a garage sale. Do whatever you can to gather some extra money so you can contact a private investigator as soon as possible. You brought another human being into this fragile situation and you will have to protect and provide for your little daughter. Once you know what the real story is, you will be better equipped to make decisions; and don’t be afraid to find out what the truth is.

Remember that a boyfriend who is “a perfect gentleman“ doesn’t disappear for days at a time not saying where he’s going and then remains incommunicado. He’s leading a double life and I don’t believe he’s a secret agent, either.


*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.




  1. I can easily tell you what is wrong woth him……..He is a drug addict!

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