When “it” doesn’t rise to the occasion ….

BetrayalRejection*Sophia is 34 years old and her boyfriend is 42. They have been dating for nine months. He’s kind, sweet, giving, and intelligent, and always has her best interest at heart. In summary: a total gentleman. They have fun together, they laugh a lot, and everything is perfect except one thing: the lack of sex.

Her boyfriend doesn’t seem to have much of a sex drive; and when, at her request, they make an attempt to get intimate, he has a tough time performing and “it” doesn’t rise to the occasion. For the past six months he has been promising her that he’ll seek medical advice, but he never has. She’s tired of waiting and wants to know how long she should wait for him to seek medical help before she calls it quits.

Answer:

You should have left about four months ago. Stop wasting your time with this guy. When people are interested in changing the status quo, they make an effort. He’s not interested; if your goal is just companionship, your current boyfriend is perfect but since you want a normal, loving, and sexual relationship, he’s not the right guy. Let him go, pronto! Stop wasting your time with Mr. Wrong.

 

*Names have been changed for privacy

Happy Mother’s Day!!

mothers_day_cartoonI am returning to write after a short hiatus and I choose today because today is a very special to me: it’s Mother’s Day. My mother died when I was two years of age so I have no memory of her but I had a quintet of mothers – my little girlfriend’s mothers – who fulfilled this role very well and for that, I’m extremely grateful. As I get ready to make a phone call to all my mothers back in Brazil, I leave you with a little note I wrote my friends yesterday, who are also mothers. Happy Mother’s Day to you and if you are a StepMom who also fulfill the role of mother to a kid/kids that came with the marriage, I honor you today as well, after all, a child doesn’t have to come out of our own body for us to love, some of us should simply love a child or children, because they’re in our lives and because a little love, goes a long way to make a difference in a child’s life. Happy Mother’s Day ladies.

“To all you Moms, have a super happy Mother’s Day and continuing good luck on this intense course because when we become mothers, we begin a very intense course on how to learn to love someone more than ourselves, on how to become selfless, on how to change our own shortcomings to be someone better in order to be a good example, a role model to the being (or beings) that we are borrowing.

This intensive course teach us to have courage because to be a mother is one of the biggest acts of courage we have to learn. Courage to be exposed to all kinds of hurt especially the uncertainty to be acting correctly where the children (child) are concerned and be afraid to lose someone we love so much. To lose? How? Well, you will learn in your course that our children aren’t really ours, they are simply gifts lent to us. We borrow them for a little while, usually 18 years, so we can nurture, guide, discipline, encourage and love them. After that, it’s time to let them fly the nest so they will then have a chance to absorb, grow, mature and apply everything we taught them.

Meanwhile enjoy this wonderful journey with your special gifts (gift) and once they fly the nest, you will treasure all the moments you had with them.

Much love to you all, cristina”

PS: as English is the fourth language I learned, my grammar sometimes lacks, so I apologize in advance if the mistakes I made today offend your sensibilities but my editor is off today … you know, Mother’s Day :-)

The cartoon image: all rights reserved to Steve Nease,

 

 

How would you feel if you found out you were deceived, used and lied to?

*Amy is 30 and her boyfriend is 27 years old. They have been together for 1-½ months and she has been hiding a problem from her boyfriend, which in the past has hindered her dating life. She has this need to talk to him at least every couple of hours. If they don’t talk for five hours, she goes nuts thinking he is getting “it” on with another woman and he’s going to “dump” her. The feeling is so intense that it becomes a physical pain.  She has been very good at hiding this side of her from him; but lately it is getting more and more difficult to keep this secret from exploding. It is taking over her life and occupying her thoughts at every moment. Consequently, she is afraid (very afraid) that she’s going to explode right in his face sometime soon. She likes him and doesn’t want their relationship to be ruined like the others before this one. She is looking for some techniques to cope with this feeling.

Answer: Amy, there is no technique for you to cope with this on your own. There is seeking professional help with this. The reality is, if you take a good look inside yourself, you will realize that you are not ready for a relationship. You are immature, very insecure, and are basically using him. You are lying to him, deceiving him, and showing him a person that doesn’t exist. You’re being dishonest and ensuring that he will fall in love with someone who is not the real you. That’s not very fair to him. Would you like a man to do that to you? I bet you wouldn’t appreciate it. You would feel deceived and lied to.

You need to do the right thing for him and for yourself. Let him go, break it off with him, ask your doctor for a referral to an excellent therapist, and get working on what is hampering your dating life. While you are working with the therapist, don’t date anybody. Take care of your emotional well-being first. Don’t stay with him hoping he will help you with this problem. It’s neither his problem nor his place to help you. It’s your obligation to bring your healthy self to a relationship. Make sure you get a good therapist who will find out what happened in your childhood that got you to where you are now. You need a therapist who will be upfront with you; someone who will tell you like it is. For example, a lot of therapists, instead of telling you, “You shouldn’t be dating right now,” will say, “Do you think it’s a good idea to date this guy now?” Although this is a more gentle way to say “don’t do it,” people won’t necessarily listen because they want what they want. So, choose someone who will be very upfront with you. Otherwise, all you will be doing is sitting in a therapist’s office for two years paying for your problem not to be solved. I wish you good luck with that.

*name changed to protect her privacy.

 

 

Can you recognize when a beloved is leading a double life?

*Lupe in San José has been living with her boyfriend for three years and sharing the same household for two of those years. They now have a one-year-old little girl. Lupe describes her boyfriend in the beginning of their courtship as sweet, kind, loving, attentive, and a perfect gentleman. However, she only saw him two times a week. The rest of the time he would disappear for short stretches at a time; and when he was away, he never called to say where he was. If she pressed him about it, he would say he was working. Then on the next disappearance act, he would give her a very quick phone call. Sometimes he did tell her that he had to go on a trip for work, but he never told her where he was going and never called her while on a trip. When Lupe contacted him, his cell would always go straight to voice mail.

This pattern of behavior continued when they started sharing a household. Once Lupe had the baby, it worsened to the point that he simply refuses when she asks him to go out to a restaurant, take a walk, or go out on a date. He basically doesn’t want to leave the house for any reason including her birthday, his birthday, or their anniversary. The only time he leaves the house is when he disappears to go on a work trip. Then, he does not make contact with her for days until he gets home, and once home, he doesn’t want to leave the house until the next work trip.

Lupe thinks he’s very depressed and she doesn’t understand why, especially when she’s trying everything to make his life better. She doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong and she would like to know what she can say for him to be more communicative.

Answer: I think Lupe has more problems than she’s willing to acknowledge. I don’t think depression is his problem, either. Correct me if I am wrong here, but I smell a rat. How? Let’s go by the parts.

- A man who only sees the woman he’s dating twice a week and on the weekends is “unavailable.” It’s a sign of a man who is either dating someone else or who has intimacy problems and doesn’t want to get close to others. Why a woman would date a man like that is incomprehensible to me. When a guy behaves that way in the courtship, it’s a clear sign that it will go nowhere.

- A man who is living with his woman and their baby but doesn’t tell her where he is going for days at a time while being unreachable in case of an emergency, is a man who is living a double life. Maybe he has another family. Maybe he has been in a long-term relationship with someone else. Maybe he’s gay; but to me it is very clear that he is living a double life.

Lupe, it’s time to start taking some action and stop the “what am I doing wrong” frame of mind because I believe you know very well that you are not doing anything wrong. I understand your thinking because if you keep thinking that you are the one doing something wrong then you can fix it. Sorry, but in this case you can’t fix it and there is nothing you can say to him that will change his mind. You have been trying for three years to get him to be more communicative and no change has been forthcoming; therefore it’s now time to take some concrete action.

It would be very useful for you to hire a private investigator and find out what the real truth is because the truth won’t come from your boyfriend. If finances are hard, save some money, borrow from your parents, or have a garage sale. Do whatever you can to gather some extra money so you can contact a private investigator as soon as possible. You brought another human being into this fragile situation and you will have to protect and provide for your little daughter. Once you know what the real story is, you will be better equipped to make decisions; and don’t be afraid to find out what the truth is.

Remember that a boyfriend who is “a perfect gentleman“ doesn’t disappear for days at a time not saying where he’s going and then remains incommunicado. He’s leading a double life and I don’t believe he’s a secret agent, either.

 

*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.

 

 

Happy International Woman’s Day!!

Happy International Woman’s Day!!

Today is International Woman’s Day! A day that has been celebrated throughout the globe. In a perfect world, it would be wonderful if men and women around the world could hold hands in celebration of this wonderful world that we live in, and work together to end poverty and violence against women.

A brief history of how this important day in the world started.

International Women’s Day (8 March) is an occasion marked by women’s groups around the world. This date is also commemorated at the United Nations and is designated in many countries as a national holiday. When women on all continents, often divided by national boundaries and by ethnic, linguistic, cultural, economic and political differences, come together to celebrate their Day, they can look back to a tradition that represents at least nine decades of struggle for equality, justice, peace and development.

International Women’s Day is the story of ordinary women as makers of history; it is rooted in the centuries-old struggle of women to participate in society on an equal footing with men. In ancient Greece, Lysistrata initiated a sexual strike against men in order to end war; during the French Revolution, Parisian women calling for “liberty, equality, fraternity” marched on Versailles to demand women’s suffrage.

The idea of an International Women’s Day first arose at the turn of the century, which in the industrialized world was a period of expansion and turbulence, booming population growth and radical ideologies. Following is a brief chronology of the most important events:

1909

In accordance with a declaration by the Socialist Party of America, the first National Woman’s Day was observed across the United States on 28 February. Women continued to celebrate it on the last Sunday of that month through 1913.

1910

The Socialist International, meeting in Copenhagen, established a Women’s Day, international in character, to honour the movement for women’s rights and to assist in achieving universal suffrage for women. The proposal was greeted with unanimous approval by the conference of over 100 women from 17 countries, which included the first three women elected to the Finnish parliament. No fixed date was selected for the observance.

1911

As a result of the decision taken at Copenhagen the previous year, International Women’s Day was marked for the first time (19 March) in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland, where more than one million women and men attended rallies. In addition to the right to vote and to hold public office, they demanded the right to work, to vocational training and to an end to discrimination on the job.

Less than a week later, on 25 March, the tragic Triangle Fire in New York City took the lives of more than 140 working girls, most of them Italian and Jewish immigrants. This event had a significant impact on labour legislation in the United States, and the working conditions leading up to the disaster were invoked during subsequent observances of International Women’s Day.

1913-1914

As part of the peace movement brewing on the eve of World War I, Russian women observed their first International Women’s Day on the last Sunday in February 1913. Elsewhere in Europe, on or around 8 March of the following year, women held rallies either to protest the war or to express solidarity with their sisters.

1917

With 2 million Russian soldiers dead in the war, Russian women again chose the last Sunday in February to strike for “bread and peace”. Political leaders opposed the timing of the strike, but the women went on anyway. The rest is history: Four days later the Czar was forced to abdicate and the provisional Government granted women the right to vote. That historic Sunday fell on 23 February on the Julian calendar then in use in Russia, but on 8 March on the Gregorian calendar in use elsewhere.

Since those early years, International Women’s Day has assumed a new global dimension for women in developed and developing countries alike. The growing international women’s movement, which has been strengthened by four global United Nations women’s conferences, has helped make the commemoration a rallying point for coordinated efforts to demand women’s rights and participation in the political and economic process. Increasingly, International Women’s Day is a time to reflect on progress made, to call for change and to celebrate acts of courage and determination by ordinary women who have played an extraordinary role in the history of women’s rights.

The Role of the United Nations

Few causes promoted by the United Nations have generated more intense and widespread support than the campaign to promote and protect the equal rights of women. The Charter of the United Nations, signed in San Francisco in 1945, was the first international agreement to proclaim gender equality as a fundamental human right. Since then, the Organization has helped create a historic legacy of internationally agreed strategies, standards, programmes and goals to advance the status of women worldwide.

Over the years, United Nations action for the advancement of women has taken four clear directions: promotion of legal measures; mobilization of public opinion and international action; training and research, including the compilation of gender desegregated statistics; and direct assistance to disadvantaged groups. Today a central organizing principle of the work of the United Nations is that no enduring solution to society’s most threatening social, economic and political problems can be found without the full participation, and the full empowerment, of the world’s women.

Lifted from the United nations website:  http://www.un.org

 

My Prince Charming is wonderful …. but he’s engaged to someone else!

*In Love With Him, from the Marina District met a wonderful man two months ago, one week after her divorce was final. She said he’s her prince charming–her friends like him, he is very communicative, he treats her beautifully, they are a match in every which way, her two kids adore him, he’s very nice to them … basically he is a good guy. The only caveat is that she recently found out through another friend who happened to know two of his friends that he is engaged to be married to a woman in Sonoma that he’s been with for two and half years. ILWH confronted him and he came clean, saying that yes, it was true. Now, she is conflicted and can’t make a decision because she’s in love with him and is very jealous of his fiancée. She is simply asking for some direction.
 
Answer: All I am going to say is that a “prince charming” and “a good guy” doesn’t let a woman think that she’s engaged to be married to him, while he is going out with another woman on the side, many towns away. The truth is, you really don’t know this guy. It’s your hormones talking and the fact that you have already introduced your children to him is not good either because if they like him, when he leaves, they will suffer another loss.
 
For your own sake, let this guy go and I am going to beg you to find out who his fiancée is and tell her what he’s been doing. Don’t let her waste anymore of her time like he’s been wasting yours. It’s more likely that what he has done with you he has done with other women as well. I understand how you may feel reluctant in letting him go. After all, you’re recently divorced and don’t want to be alone, I get it. But I want you to think about this: how can you ever trust a man who can stare at his woman’s eyes and make her believe she is his only love? This is not a man to be trusted and know that if you stay with him, you are the next in line that he’ll be cheating on. A man who can cheat once when he’s not even married yet is like a dog who learned he can bite: he’ll cheat again. You will find your guy some day, but he’s not it.
*she choose her own pseudonym to protect her privacy

Can someone with a bad temper be “a great catch”?

*Lola from Napa is asking if she should get back with her fiancé. They have been dating for 16 months now; but in between they have broken up and gotten back together 4 times. This time, however, she is uneasy to get back with him. He comes from a great family, is religious like her, and has compatible morals and values. He’s got a great heart but with a temper to match. He has made many promises in the past that he would be better and he would try to put a lid on his temperament. But to no avail. When he loses his temper, it’s scary; and when they fight, he fights dirty, becoming insulting and demeaning. Lola’s words are, “Overall, he is a great guy, a great catch; but his bad temper makes me a bit uneasy.”

Answer: Just a bit uneasy, huh? I think when our guts are trying to tell us something we should listen to them and not try to rationalize. When we rationalize, we get into trouble. Things happen in life all the time. When you marry someone, and as you go through life together, some years can become a bit more stressful than others. Then if kids come into the mix, life may get better and at the same time it may get harder. When you are with someone who has a bad temper, it is going to make dealing with life a whole lot harder then it should be. It won’t matter that your fiancé has a great family, that you both have the same morals and values, or that you both attend the same church. Nothing will matter. The point I am trying to make is that life won’t be very pleasant at all.

I think any woman considering getting married should give a huge consideration to her fiancé’s temperament. If he gets angry very easily before marriage, after marriage is going to be worse. I don’t care about the promises he made saying, “I’ll change. I’ll get better.” If, by the third time that he promises, the offending behavior hasn’t stopped, it’s not going to stop anytime soon because the effort is not there. So, my dear Lola, listen to your intuition and leave him where he is right now, an ex-fiancé. Make sure you have given his ring back – if he ever gave you one. Then go find yourself a mature man who has control over his emotions and not a little boy who loses his temper a little too easily. A woman has a greater responsibility to choose well when looking for her life partner than to be with a man who scares her or makes her uneasy. It’s not a good choice.

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!

On this Valentine’s day I would like to remind you of some important points when in a relationship with your beloved:

*Remember to always tell your beloved what you most appreciate about him/her, no matter how small. Sometimes it is the small things that matter most.

*When your beloved is talking to you, stop what you’re doing and make eye contact. You will be less likely to say later on “Oh, you didn’t tell me that,” because when we make eye contact while the other person is speaking, we are less likely to forget what was said to us. It also shows you care.

*Men whose women give them kudos – some women describe that as stroking their ego – I call it ”giving them affirmation” -  that they are appreciated, respected and loved, are more likely to describe their couple life as happy. We women get affirmation very often from girlfriends and even strangers who compliment us on what we’re wearing, how beautiful we’re looking that day, how we are having a great hair day, etc., but men don’t have that and as human beings, they need that too. The only people who give it to them are their mothers and their women, so don’t be shy about your compliments if your man deserves them. Dish them out.

*One very important point: don’t believe that a woman needs to keep an air of mistery to keep things alive and interesting. What hogwash! Trying to guess what the other person is thinking is annoying and tiresome. Communicate explicity what you’re thinking - no need for a heavy talk, but tell him what you need from him and you’ll find out that you’re doing yourself and your relationship a favor. You will have a happier man who will give you what you need by eliminating the guesswork, and you’ll be happier and won’t have to pout because he didn’t do something you wanted.

*Touch and touch often. Touching causes our bodies to produce a hormone called oxytocin (the feel-good hormone), and it promotes a desire to touch and be touched. It will make you both feel good about each other, causing you to bond to each other even more.

*Communicate! Express! Touch!

Last but not least, Valentine’s Day isn’t just about being in love, it is about being grateful for all the love you have around you!

Have a great Valentine’s Day!!

PS: the photograph above is my favorite cinematographic kiss of all time: Burt Lancaster kisses Deborah Kerr passionately in a beach scene in the 1953 film “From Here To Eternity.”  Photograph: all rights reserved to AP and the Everett Collection as seen here http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46329745/displaymode/1247?beginSlide=1#.Tzmr5fF5mK3

 

Husband having an affair with the neighbor. Forgivable?

“Heartbroken” in Noe Valley said that she hasn’t had intercourse with her husband for the past six months since she found out that he had a hot and heavy affair with their neighbor. “Heartbroken” only found out because her husband left for the hardware store and forgot his cell phone on the table. She picked it up and started looking at the pictures of their kids on his cell when she came upon a video. It was a video of her husband and the neighbor having all kinds of (what she deemed) abusive, degrading, and demeaning sex.

What really made her sad was that while he was having an affair with their neighbor, she was begging him to make love to her but he would avoid her and she didn’t understand why. She wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of their 2 children and raise them together, but he will not have it unless she has sex with him again. She tried, but it’s killing her and she is the one avoiding him now. She can’t stand the thought of him touching her and can’t be loving towards him either. Even after they both attended counseling sessions, the images won’t leave her head; so she no longer feels the love she once felt for him. She wants to know what she can tell him that will make him understand that she doesn’t want anything intimate with him but does want to raise their kids together? “Heartbroken” is in a tough spot because she can’t talk to her family about this.

Answer: I don’t have the answer you are looking for. We can’t change people’s behavior. We can only change our own and he doesn’t want to stay with you without sex. In my view it’s over and you need to go take care of business. You will never be able to forget what he did or the images you saw. For him to have had sex outside his marriage was a huge betrayal; but to record it so he would be able to carry it around and look at it many times over, to me, is way out of line. Some things are unforgivable and that’s why they should not be done. This is not a decent man, and some things just can’t be repaired. He also lacks character and counseling sessions can’t fix bad character.

Since you really want to keep your family together, you should face him and say that you are willing to have him in the house as you will be working together to raise your children. You two have a moral obligation to your children, but you will NOT have him as your man because you no longer see him as such. He not only broke his vows, but also broke your trust. If he insists that he will not stay without the sex, then you know it’s truly over. Get a lawyer immediately and try to get the house, the kids and spousal/child support then send him on his way with his toothbrush. I wish you well.

 

 

Latest study about the State of Dating in America

Singles in America today are more progressive than ever when it comes to sex, living arrangements and gender roles, yet maintain traditional values when it comes to marriage and family, according to a new report jointly released by ChristianMingle.com and JDate.com. They announced the results on Jan 22, 2013 of an expansive study about the State of Dating in America, which surveyed more than 2,700 singles between the ages of 18 and 60 across the United States.

Some surprising findings showcasing a more liberal attitude amongst singles include:

  • 87% of singles think online dating is a great way to meet people
  • Both men and women agree it is safer to meet someone through online dating than in a bar
  • 85% of singles say sex before marriage is acceptable
  • 91% of single Jews and 84% of single Christians would live with their partner before marriage
  • 78% of single Christians and 60% of single Jews would consider marrying someone with kids
  • A majority of singles say it doesn’t matter whether the man or woman is the breadwinner

However, the State of Dating in America study also reveals high value and importance placed on more traditional ideals:

  • 78% of men believe the man should pay on the first date, and 55% of women agree
  • 62% of 18 to 24-year-olds would be disappointed if they never got married
  • Both men and women say their mothers have the biggest influence on whom they marry
  • Nearly three-quarters of singles are looking for a partner who shares their religious faith

“Single adults make up an increasing portion of the American population. With the State of Dating in America survey, we wanted to get to the root of their views on relationships, sex, marriage and more,” said Greg Liberman, President and CEO of Spark Networks, which owns and operates both ChristianMingle and JDate. “The results provide unique insights into the minds of today’s singles as they navigate the ever-evolving dating and relationships landscape.”

Gender and religious breakdowns of the findings reveal compelling differences as well:

  • All women (100%) believe passionately kissing another is considered unfaithful; 86% of men agree
  • 82% of women believe texting or online flirting is cheating; just 56% of men agree
  • Christian singles prefer to meet for dinner on a first date, while Jewish singles like a cup of coffee
  • When it comes to the most attractive trait in the opposite sex, single Jews slightly prefer intelligence while single Christians had a slightly higher preference for a sense of humor

“The State of Dating in America report puts a microscope on what today’s singles really think and feel when it comes to dating,” says Rachel Sussman, Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. “The results of the study are consistent with what I see day in and day out as I counsel singles and couples about the obstacles, issues and questions that arise while on the road to developing successful modern relationships.” Sussman has partnered with JDate and ChristianMingle to analyze the findings and provide her expert insights.

To view the full report of the State of Dating in America to see expert analysis of the results, please visit: www.stateofdatingreport.com