People’s personality don’t change once you marry them

November 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Lauren, in Hayes Valley, has been married for 9 years. When she first met her husband, they dated for a short period of time and then she got pregnant. They married; and after all these years, and three children, she says that his personality has changed and that has built up so much resentment to a point where she can’t stand him. She’s no longer feeling attracted to him since he put on some weight and that turns her off. Everything he does irritates her. When she talks to her girlfriends, they tell her that she should just get a divorce and  don’t “give” it to him, whether he liked it or not, since her husband still finds her very attractive otherwise just suck it up.

Answer: Lauren is very negative about her husband. One would think that she never loved him. Is that why she couldn’t wait to marry him? Was it so bad that throughout her marriage she managed to make three babies with this husband that she’s so negative about? Hmmm….. and now she says his personality has changed, too.

I hate to break it to you, Lauren, but people’s personalities don’t change once they wear “the dress” or the “cummerbund,” unless they have a brain injury, drugs, alcohol, or some kind of brain disease. People’s personalities just don’t change like that. I think it’s fair to say that you married someone a little too quickly and didn’t know him well; but it’s not fair to say that his personality changed.

If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that you probably have your sights on someone else or you are finding people outside your marriage pretty darn attractive. When things are not so hot at home, we tend to gravitate towards interests that look much more attractive than the slob we have at home. Also, your girlfriends’ attitudes suck. Instead of telling you that feeling the way you are is pretty normal and to focus on the big prize, they’re busy telling you how you have to not put up or suck it up.  You have adopted their negativity towards marriage by putting up with, pretending, and longing for what you don’t think you have and suffering about it.

The reality is that if you think you are the wonderful woman and the greatest partner that your husband thinks about, well, think again. It happens throughout any marriage: ups and downs. Sometimes life gets harder. Sometimes we get a little bored. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated with everything in general. We may even get resentful about things that have nothing to do with our partner, but we put it all on our partner because it’s easier. Then we think if only our partner were different, then we would be happy. Then we blame the other person’s personality, too. Not fair.

Instead of blaming your husband’s personality, make a mission to have a good marriage. Start thinking about the positive things that attracted you to him in the first place. Speak up about him to others in positive terms and do things as if you’re still in love with him. Find some older people who have good marriages and ask the women how they made their marriage work. You will be surprised to find out that every man and woman who has been married, or in a long-term relationship, have been through what you’re experiencing.

The way you’ll make it from one point to another is if you start behaving as though you love him with your next breath.  Bring back some of that same enthusiasm you felt when you first met him and you couldn’t think of being without him.  It may take a little while, but you will feel that way again because your actions will bring out your feelings. Good luck!

 

*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.

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Would you stay if your spouse didn’t make love to you?

November 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Wants More Sex, from Mill Valley, has been married for 2 ½ years. Her husband is a wonderful man that she met and dated for 7 months before getting married; however, they never had sex before marriage. They only made out, hugged, and kissed. Then on their honeymoon, where they went away for 10 days, they only had sex twice. Upon returning, and since then, her husband has initiated sex only four times. The other times she initiated and was not always successful. Basically, they have had sex an average of 3 times per year since their marriage. She’s been asking to make love and there is always an excuse: he’s tired, he had a hard day, he’s not feeling like it, his brain is mush, he’s exhausted, etc. She has asked him why he doesn’t want to have sex and he never responds. He gets erections in the mornings but that’s about it.

Since being with him, she has never had an orgasm. Their love making session consists of “wham bam thank you ma’am,” with hardly any kisses or foreplay. WMS has asked him if he would go to counseling with her, but he refuses and doesn’t want to talk about it. He seemed to be embarrassed. As for the last time she asked for sex, he told her to “cut it out” and “stop being annoying” to which he immediately apologized. She is sad, confused, and conflicted because on one hand he says he loves her, but on the other he doesn’t behave like a husband.  She made sure to tell me on the email we exchanged that “he is truly a wonderful husband and treats me like a princess.” She doesn’t want to give up on him. She wants to help him overcome whatever is troubling him but doesn’t know where to start. Since he doesn’t want to go to counseling, she’s asking me if she should go by herself or do I have another suggestion that may be helpful in getting him in “the” mood.

Answer: I hate to disappoint WMS, but I’m not that powerful and neither is she. I can’t give her any suggestion that will turn him on because he doesn’t seem to want to be turned on. They both need to find out what his problem is. Maybe he thinks he’s incompetent in the love making department (but if one wants, one can always learn together and improve). Maybe he has a medical problem. Maybe his testosterone levels are low, or maybe he’s gay. Who knows? Three times a year is extremely low especially for a couple who’s in their mid 20’s. Generally speaking, guys in their twenties are perpetual “let’s get it on” machines. So, that’s very unusual even for someone who has a low libido.

Since he can lift his “equipment” in the mornings, he shows that something in there is in working order. Going by herself to counseling is useless. He’s the one with the problem, not WMS.  I believe WMS needs to decide what she wants:

1) an adoring and wonderful husband with no intimacies OR

2) an adoring and wonderful husband who will have intimacies, who will bond with her, and will have a beautiful life together.

I believe she can have number 2; although it may be that she’ll have it with a future husband number 2, but she doesn’t seem to be able to have it with husband number 1. I don’t believe anybody should ignore that part of one’s life. Sex wasn’t created just for procreation because if it were, it wouldn’t feel so darn good. Sexuality is a gift and it should be enjoyed wisely, and to simply erase it completely when you are at any age and healthy, is foolish. WMS needs to have the courage to face him and tell him that he needs to get the help he needs and face what’s troubling him. If he refuses, then she has a bigger decision to make.  Making love to one’s spouse is part of the vows we make; and when one spouse refuses to fulfill that part, then he/she has broken the vows.  These days there is so much help for sexual dysfunction, especially for men, and he should profit from that.

Since WMS enjoys sex, she needs to urge her husband to get help ASAP. If she doesn’t do anything about this and lets it be, she’ll be accepting in the beginning because “she loves him;” but after while she’ll withdrawal, then get angrier, and more angry, until everything blows up. It will be ugly.

A word to the wise: a man who will not make love to his woman, nor do anything about it, is not “a wonderful husband.”  My dear friend’s husband had prostate cancer five years ago; but that didn’t stop them as a couple from enjoying each other’s sexuality. There are always other “things” one can do to please the other spouse, but Wants More Sex’s husband is simply not interested.

*Reader choose her own pseudonym

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When your man tells you something important before marriage, believe him

October 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Angela, from San Carlos, has been married for over 5 years to a man she met when she was in high school and then reconnected with 24 years later. After a whirlwind romance, and three months after the day they reconnected, they were married.

She has twin girls from a previous boyfriend, and just three months after she married the girls left for college. Things were great in the beginning of the relationship; but as soon as the twins left home her husband, who drank a bit before and during their marriage, started drinking a whole lot more. For the past 1-½ years his drinking has become progressively worse. When he’s drunk he can become abusive towards her; but when he’s around her family, he can hide his drunken ways very well. Otherwise all he does when he’s home is drink, and the weekends are worse.

She’s tired of his drunken ways. She gets upset when he drinks to a stupor or drinks so much that he forgets what he told her the night (or the day) before. She’s constantly upset and has tried to help him overcome his alcoholic ways by telling him to go get help, go to rehab, or do something about it. He refuses. She feels that he lied to her even though before the marriage he told her all the time that he had a drinking problem; but she didn’t believe him. She thought he was kidding. She feels duped, deceived, and lied to. She’s Christian and she’s struggling about leaving or not because she believes marriage is sacred.

Answer: I asked Angela if she had been serious when she wrote me that he told her several times that he was a drunk. Yes, she was serious. He did tell her several times that he had a drinking problem and that, yes, he was an alcoholic.

Angela cannot plead ignorance on this one because, after all, he did not lie to her. What some alcoholics do best besides drinking is to lie; but he didn’t. We cannot blame that one on him because had he not disclosed that he was a drunk, he would have entered fraudulently into this marriage contract and then Angela would have been unable to make an informed decision about marrying him not knowing that he was an alcoholic. Therefore, upon finding that he was a drunk, she could have rescinded the contract; but there was no lie. He told her the truth and she chose not to believe him.

Moving on now: you knew he was a drunk, Angela. You tried to help him. You told him to go to rehab and he didn’t want to do it. Also, I didn’t know you were supposed to take abuse just because you’re Christian. You can use this excuse of being a Christian to avoid making a hard decision if you wish but all I know is that we can all interpret the Bible 1000 ways from Sunday, and why are you going to stick around for more abuse is beyond my comprehension. I don’t have a direct ear to God; but if I did, I don’t think that’s what He would want. Isn’t HE supposed to be a “loving Father”?  Why would he want you to be abused? Makes no sense to me.

Since you already tried to help him, and you’re going nowhere fast or slow, I think you have done more than your part in trying to make a positive change. You can’t help someone who refuses help; besides, it’s his responsibility to get help, not yours.  I believe if you continue in this marriage, your twin girls will find out sooner or later and then you will lose their respect. You don’t want your girls to think that it’s ok to stay in an abusive situation or look down on you because you’re unwilling to make the right decision for your life and I don’t think, staying with a mean drunk, who’s abusive is the right situation to be in it.  How much more time are you going to waste in this bad marriage? I think you should admit that you made a mistake marrying this guy within three months of knowing him and call it a day. Stop the abuse. Next time, don’t marry someone you just dated for three months and when men tell you something this serious, please believe them.

 

*Name has been changed to protect the reader’s privacy

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Women stirring the pot at weddings

October 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Today I am going to write about women who take the opportunity of someone’s wedding to start stirring the pot. The men usually ask “where and what time,” but some women go the extra mile to be upsetting and make the day about them instead of the couple getting married. For the past 16 months I have been to 12 weddings and my email box has been flooded with emails from women upset about this and that in someone else’s wedding. I swear, I’m not making this up; they’re ALL from women saying their feelings are hurt for one reason or another. I have even witnessed women trying to straighten out whatever differences they had, right before someone’s big event.

The emails are pretty much similar in nature. So, I decided instead of answering everyone privately, I am going to talk about it in general here. This should be enough for everybody to understand that a WEDDING IS NOT a time to stir up controversy, bring up old problems, open old wounds, and start family fights.

A wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion. You should never get upset at your loved ones for decisions that their sister or brother made. Don’t put him in the middle and ask him to intercede on your behalf. It’s not fair.

Sometimes a wedding is a religious event and not just a party for people to get upset at because they’re not getting what they want. It is not a popularity contest about who is going to have the better job or who will make it to the wedding party or not. A wedding is not an opportunity to make oneself feel important on someone else’s supposedly “special day.”  That’s not fair and it’s unreasonable.

A wedding is an occasion where the supposed “happy couple” is exchanging vows; therefore anything you can do to be helpful and alleviate some of the stressors of the day, you should. Stop getting upset and being competitive about the little things you are going to do. That’s childish. Let the wedding be about the happy couple and not about you and how upset you are because you didn’t get what you wanted or felt slighted because you were not in the wedding party. Please give it a rest and remember that someone’s wedding is supposed to be about them not you. Leave the drama out.

 

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Neglecting your better half is not loving behavior

October 11, 2012 By 1 Comment

*”I Want Him Back” from Orinda is 48 years old and has been married for 24 years. When she was 26, her mother died and things unraveled. She admits that she hasn’t always been a good wife. While she was out having fun and going out with her friends, her husband was home taking care of their twin girls, the home, and going to work. He told her then that he loved her unconditionally. She had never cheated before but about 2 years ago, a co-worker started paying too much attention to her and when one thing led to another, they ended up having an affair. Later, her daughter discovered a text message the co-worker sent to Alice that gave away the affair and told her dad. Alice’s husband upon finding out was angry and hurt. Her twin daughters were angry as well.

“IWHB” asked for forgiveness and since then (about 11 months now), according to her, she has changed her behavior drastically. She has been a good wife and a good mother. Unfortunately, last Friday, her husband warned her that as soon as the girls graduated from college, he’d be moving out and filing for divorce. She has begged, pleaded, cried and asked him not to leave because she loves him. She has asked her daughters to ask their father not to leave but they have both refused. Alice is frustrated because she has changed for the better and neither her children nor her husband acknowledge her changes or give her any positive feedback. Now, she’s asking for fast help, because the twins will be graduating from college in the beginning of December. She wants to know what can she do to convince him that she is a changed woman.

Answer: This is what happens: when we are consistent with our behaviors (good or bad), we are showing people who we are. It becomes our identity.

After years of neglecting husband and children, I think it’s unreasonable to expect them to give you kudos after a few months of change. You will have to come to terms that he may never acknowledge those changes and that he may leave you. Sometimes, marriages are irreparably broken, especially after years of neglect.

You can’t hold it against your husband for not loving you unconditionally. When people say they love others unconditionally, it’s not true and people who do so are not psychologically healthy. For example, would you unconditionally love someone who abused or killed your children? Would you love your man if he beat the daylights out of you? Not unless you’re sick in the head. People are human beings, filled with emotions. People are not pets.

All I can say is, keep up the good behavior by improving yourself and perhaps by the time your girls are out of college he may change his mind. Or he may not, and if he doesn’t, you need to be ready to accept that. Unfortunately, not everything can be repaired and trying to convince or change someone is a futile exercise. You can’t change people; you can only change yourself to try to sway others your way.

If the situation with your husband doesn’t improve by your behavior change, then keep your concentration on being a good mother and salvaging the relationship with your daughters. I apologize for not being more helpful but perhaps one of the readers who may have been in similar situation may offer some advice that has worked for them. Good luck.

*Pseudonym chosen by reader

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Do you trust the person you’re in a committed relationship with?

June 22, 2012 By 1 Comment

*Marize has been married for 19 years and has two children, one boy from a previous relationship and one girl from this marriage. She also has a 32 year old stepdaughter, Lisa, who is 4 months pregnant and about to get married within three weeks. She has had a very strained relationship with her stepdaughter from the get go and Lisa doesn’t speak to either Marize or her two kids, even though the girl is her half-sibling.

Marize’s husband is not Lisa’s biological father, either; but he was married to Lisa’s mother for 10 years and raised her as his own. He is her Dad and he’s the one walking her down the aisle. Marize and her two children were not invited to the wedding; only her husband. Marize is wondering if she and her two children should go to the wedding even though they were not invited. If she doesn’t go, she wants to tell her husband that he should not go either. Marize is afraid he’ll sleep with his ex-wife; since at the beginning of their marriage, before she had their daughter, he had a brief affair with that ex-wife and the possibility that he’ll do it again is driving her insane.

My answer:

The wedding: You and your children were not invited to the wedding and it is rude to show up anywhere without a proper invitation, especially to a wedding. So, you and your children will not be going. You will have other plans on the day of your stepdaughter’s wedding. I don’t know what happened there, but I am not surprised that there is contention when one marries into a step family situation. Not every step child falls in love with their parent’s new spouse, especially when that spouse brings their own child/children to the marriage. Add a half-sibling to the mix and things can get worse. All of that can cause pain and a feeling of alienation to the previous child/children and one of the end results is what you are experiencing now: the bad feelings are still lingering years later.

Your husband: You don’t seem to choose well, but you chose him. Your first relationship didn’t work out and left you with a child. Then you choose this man who has a child, and in the beginning of your marriage he goes and has an affair with the ex-wife he just left.  Next you have his baby after the affair; and now, years later, you want to attend a wedding that you were not invited in order to keep a watchful eye on him because you’re afraid he’ll have sex with his ex-wife in the broom closet while their daughter’s wedding is going on. Too many years have passed and since you stayed in this marriage, and thought it was a good idea to bring a baby in after the affair, I will assume that you must have patched things up with your husband. But if you think he’s going to betray you again with that woman, then you have no marriage. If you’re going to tell him that he can’t go alone because you’re afraid he’ll betray you, again, after all this time, you should not be married to him anymore. If you can’t trust the person you are with in a marriage, or committed relationship, then you have no business staying with that person. It’s not that complicated. It’s that simple. Stop torturing yourself and living in hell, voluntarily.

 

*Name changed to protect her identity

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How can we get over a betrayal?

January 6, 2012 By Leave a Comment

“Still Angry,” in Corte Madera, wrote me to say that about a year ago her husband had an emotional affair with a friend and they ended up having a one night stand. “Still Angry” didn’t think her husband and her were having a tough time in their marriage at the time when that happened. According to “Still Angry”, her husband did seem to be spending a lot of time at work, more than he needed to be. He acted normal. He was loving and nice towards her. They were even making love. She thinks he was seduced because the friend was always all over him. She’s confused because she thinks he doesn’t truly love her, even though he asked for her forgiveness and he’s trying what he can to make it up to her. She has tried to forgive him, but her emotions are still raw and she doesn’t seem to be able to get over it. She doesn’t want to characterize him as a bad guy, but it’s hard to forget what he did. She wants to know “how do I get over such a betrayal?”

“Still Angry,” you just learned that he can act two faced. It’s different when you have been a complaining, whining,  un-sexy wife when he was hungry, so he decided to eat a meal elsewhere. There is a difference between that and a guy who can play games on both sides of the court. Seduced? I don’t think so. Unlike popular belief, men are not animals that can’t control their impulses. A man who loves his wife and is faithful cannot be seduced. Does he love you? I can’t answer that question; but I would say that what he did was a very unloving act.

I don’t know if you were being a bad wife and he was hungry or he just has a personality that can play on both sides of the court. In the latter case, I can truly understand why you would feel the way you feel because you can’t trust him. If there was no reason for his betrayal, (because- according to you – you were a terrific wife and as far as you knew, he was happy, never complained, was never forlorn and didn’t feel neglected) he’s just not a nice guy.

“I am all confused … “ How can you be confused? It’s either one or the other. He was either a hungry and neglected husband or he was a bad guy. Which is it? “I don’t want to characterize him as a bad guy because I love him…..” I understand that perfectly because there are some women who love a guy no matter what. Their guy can be in prison for murdering people, can beat them up, and can molest children …. and the women still want to be tied up to them. I am not surprised, “I love him no matter what he’s done,” is kind of sickening, but it is what it is.

“Still Angry” mentioned forgiveness. We cannot forgive if there is no real remorse, if there is no taking responsibility, or not doing whatever it takes to make it right. Now, according to “Still Angry”, he apologized. He bent backwards to make it right. And if that’s the truth, then to still be angry about it is out of the question.  She’s simply being hostile and holding it over his head. It’s not fair, especially since she decided to stay. For your own peace of mind “Still Angry”, you have to let it go because you did accept his apologies.

The fact that you’re still angry is very telling. You have not accepted his apology; and until you do, you will keep these feelings of anger going because it gives you a sense of security, power and safety. Reminding him of his misdeeds is a huge power trip. But if you do accept his apologies and let the anger go, you will have to trust him again even though it’s much easier to hold on to the anger. Often people in your situation say “I’m trying to let go and it’s hard.” If you really want to let go, you just do it. You make the decision and follow through. It is that simple.

I understand, though, why you’re holding on to your anger. The last thing anyone of us wants is for our lives to be turned upside down. That’s why denial is so important. The, “but I love him,” becomes a refuge. You can’t let go of your anger because your instinct not to trust him is stronger than your desire to have everything be the way it used to be. How do you get over a betrayal? You may never get over it (I wouldn’t, so staying for me would not be an option) but if you decide to stay you will have to let this one go. In the end, you are going to have to make a decision of either staying or leaving. Hold this one over his head long enough, and let’s see how long he’ll stick around. Not everyone is fond of being beaten up constantly.

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When in a relationship, do you need to feel safe and secure where money is concerned?

December 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Sorry for the long absence. Was sick as a dog, but today I was able to get out of bed. Hopefully all of you got out of Thanksgiving still talking to your families ….. just a little humor here.  I decided to answer the email below before anyone else. It came in last night and she needed an answer ASAP. After a few exchanged emails, here is your answer Laura.

*Laura, in Los Gatos, said that she has the perfect marriage. She and her husband have had a very loving and peaceful relationship with virtually no arguments, except when they have to talk about finances. Every time they discuss finances, there is a huge amount of stress involved because she feels insecure. She gets upset because he’s not taking her feelings into consideration, and he gets upset because he thinks she’s too emotional. When she gets emotional, the way she expresses herself is by arguing.  She stated that her husband is not irresponsible with money, he’s not a slacker and he pays their bills on time; but every time he wants to make an investment, they get into an argument because Laura “feels” that what he’s trying to do is not going to work for their finances. He should respect her and not disregard her opinion. They had another big argument last night and she didn’t know how to proceed.

Laura, I think your response to him is about feelings and not a factual argument. Your opinions are not based on anything but emotions. When you two are discussing finances, if you don’t understand it, you should tell him to let you research it a little more and then you can discuss it further. In this way, you will know what you are talking about. Put yourself in his shoes. It’s very frustrating when a man wants to do this and that, because of this and that, only then to have his woman say, “I don’t feel like we should,” without any concrete reason. It’s annoying.

Call him up and apologize. If you have an opinion on how the investment should be done, it needs to be based on something concrete; or, if you don’t understand, don’t be embarrassed to ask him a lot of questions. Ask him to explain to you what the positives are, what the negatives are and what the risks are. Afterwards, if you don’t agree with him, you have to come back with something concrete besides just, “I don’t feel like it.”

He seems to be the analytical type; and when you talk about concrete things, you have to be analytical. Don’t try to rule by your feelings. That’s not fair game. One of the reasons you married him was because you liked that he was smart and analyzed things. That gave you a sense of security.  Don’t try to undermine him with emotions that are not based on anything.

You can be emotional and not be embarrassed to express your feelings. It’s ok to feel insecure; but tell him in a way that he can understand. Tell him, “I’m scared that we’ll be in the corner selling plastic key chains” or “If this fails, what will we do?” or “Explain this concept that won’t make us penniless“ or “Can you explain everything to me so I can feel secure?”.  I’m exaggerating a bit but you get it. Call him now and apologize. Make it better.

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Staying at home mom? Why pursue an education?

November 17, 2011 By 2 Comments

*Sylvia, from San Francisco, graduated a few months ago from Stanford. Recently, she quit her job and has been staying home with her 16 month old daughter. She and her husband decided that she would stay home until the little girl turns three. Since staying home with her baby, the thought of having to leave her baby is making her “incredibly sad.” Now that her daughter is almost two years old, she was thinking of possibly having another child. They would be back to back, so she would be able to spend the most amount of time with her children. However, her husband is nervous because by having another child, she would be delayed from going back to the work force. She feels in her heart that she wants to raise her babies. If they scale down their lives, they would not have a need for more money; but every time she brings it up in a most loving way, her husband’s argument is always money. “Why did you go to school to get a degree if you’re not going to use it?” She said she’s feeling a lot of physical anxiety over this. She wants to know if wanting to stay home and raise her babies is being “unreasonable,” as her husband says.

I need to take a deep breath here and measure my words, when in reality I want to SHOUT, “Why do women marry guys like this?” I don’t understand that. The question I have is, why would a woman be with the kind of guy who is just counting the moments until his woman brings in more money; leaving the kids somewhat neglected?” What kind of a man does that, and what kind of a woman would crumble under that? *biting my tongue*

Sylvia, my way of looking at this is that you need to remind him that he’s not only a man but he is THE MAN; and he’s your man and your expectation is that he’s going to slay dragons to take care of his family. He’s not going to sit there and count the seconds until you can bring in more money so he can have more vacations or what have you. You have to have the strength to turn that boy into a man. Their fathers do the first part of taking boys and turning them into men. Then it’s the wife’s turn to do the second part by holding high expectations.

Why did you get your education? To be educated; to be able to vote properly; to be able to have conversations; to teach children … The critical thinking and reasoning skills (just to name a few) you learn in college will stay with you for a lifetime. There are a lot of reasons a person gets educated, it isn’t just to bring in money. If a woman is educated and she CHOOSES to go to work instead of being a mother full time, it’s her choice; but if she chooses to stay home and raise her babies, she should be able to, especially when she knows she can work around the money issue.

I have no idea what kind of woman raised him, but I do understand the kind of environment he’s around in San Francisco, and it’s not pretty. Many men in this town are used to getting a free ride from the women they go out with on their first date and even while the courtship is going on, they expect the woman to pay her half. Then when they see a woman with great potential to earn, their eyes grow bigger. I know. I have seen it with my own eyes. You need to INFORM him LOVINGLY that you will not be returning to work; that you will raise your own babies; that you will want to have influence over your babies. Do not crumble when he starts whining.

Understand that he has no sense of his own worth and value as a provider. You have to help him regain what men used to have; PRIDE in being the provider and the protector.

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Married for awhile but never had SEX?

November 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Larissa in Cupertino has been married for 12 years, yet her husband has never consummated their marriage. There’s been no sex because he has trouble sustaining an erection. Even Viagra doesn’t do the trick but he refuses to go the doctor to get help. Larissa doesn’t know what to do. She craves sexual intimacy but the only physical intimacies she gets are hugs. She’s frustrated, angry and sad but won’t consider leaving him. She refuses to disappoint her family, considers divorce sinful, and also says having an affair is simply not an option. In her view, having an affair is worse than getting a divorce. To make matters worse, she feels guilty even thinking about leaving him. She wants to know what to do.

Let me see. According to you, you’ve never had sex with your husband—no manual sex, no oral sex, nothing. So why are you staying with this man? Having sex, making love to your spouse is all part of the marriage vows—it’s how we bond to our mate. If either party refuses to fulfill that obligation, the marriage is null and void. I don’t even understand why you would feel guilty about leaving him when he hasn’t even consummated your marriage. Gee, he doesn’t even pleasure you!

Since you don’t want to make a decision about your life by considering all the options available, you need to stop whining. Complaining about it and thinking about it won’t add joy or happiness to your life. Constantly reflecting about all the negative stuff simply won’t make a bad thing better.

Here’s what you can do. Don’t torture him with your complaints. Remember, you are refusing to make a choice for your own life by  staying with him,  and this means you will continue living with your best “buddy”.  Meanwhile, you can masturbate to fantasies or sexy videos to satisfy yourself, unless you think these are sinful as well. Sure, it’s not the greatest substitute, but it’s the only thing available since you’ve put yourself between a rock and a hard place.

Since you’ve decided that staying with this man is more important than anything else, stop complaining about him to others. When we are unwilling to make hard decisions in our lives, complaining is a useless, fruitless exercise.

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