When wives behave badly

Behaving badly- iStockphotoGarth wrote to me to ask if he’d been out of line. He found out that his wife (of nine years) has been text messaging and talking a little too much with a particular co-worker. This co-worker, Mark, happens to live in the same neighborhood they live in, is also married, and has three little kids. Not only do they text, but they also call each other, carpool once in a while to and from work, and sometimes even work out together at the same gym.

Garth has talked to his wife and has asked her to stop this behavior because it makes him feel uncomfortable. He also has told her, repeatedly, that he could drop her off and/or pick her up from the train station so she wouldn’t have to carpool with Mark. He has offered to work out with her, but there is always an excuse why she cannot. She explains away by asking why she should pay to ride the train all the time if she can save some money by hitching a ride with her co-worker. To pacify Garth, she says she’s going to workout with him; but when the time comes that they have agreed to, she has either gone earlier to do her workout (with Mark) or finds an excuse not to go. Garth doesn’t know what else to say to make her stop. All she has to say when Garth shares his concerns is that she isn’t doing anything wrong. She tells him everything. She says her friendship with Mark is totally platonic and Garth must simply be jealous and insecure. Garth is now asking if I have any helpful advice for him.

Answer:

Garth has the right to feel insecure, jealous, and uncomfortable. His wife’s behavior is boorish. She’s turning Garth down at every suggestion simply so she can do things with her co-worker. Platonic my butt! If her relationship is still platonic, then she’s flirting with this guy and is on her way to having a full-fledged affair. We all know that this is the way things start. When a spouse starts to behave like Garth’s wife, that’s bad news for the marriage. All that extra time spent with this other guy is going to make her feel much closer to him. Then they start sharing stories; a little problem at their perspective homes becomes a monster when is not necessary to be; they start feeling sorry for each other. Then there’s a little lunch here and a little dinner there, then, “BAM!” They’re starting an affair.

Garth, read carefully: it is time to stop feeling uncomfortable and bring a meeting to order. Tell her that your marriage is in deep trouble and she doesn’t seem to be the least concerned. Tell her she’s hurting your feelings and she doesn’t seem to care. Tell her she’s simply being dismissive by telling you that you’re jealous and insecure. Basically, she’s choosing Mark over you, her husband. Tell her she’s deliberately trying to hurt you; and if this behavior continues, you both need to start talking about whether or not your marriage will survive or it is already doomed. Depending on what her answer is, it will determine what your next step should be. Good luck with that.

He’s afraid to lose his woman!

Wife confer privately on the phone*Martin lost his high profile job 14 months ago and has been unable to find another one. Meanwhile, his wife has gone back to work and has been shouldering the financial responsibilities for their household and Martin stays home to care for their 8 year old boy.

For the past seven months Martin’s wife has started working late and going to the office on the weekends. When she is not working late, and instead of coming home, she goes out for drinks with her co-workers. Martin says she has become distant to the point of being cold and she finds any excuse not to be intimate. She is not spending as much time with their son; and when Martin wants to do something as a family, she finds an excuse not to come along or asks him to do something else while she goes out with their son.

Martin has asked her four times if she is seeing someone else and she said, “No.” Recently, they had a huge argument. In a fit of anger, he asked her why doesn’t she just leave since she seems so unhappy at home. She simply told Martin that she would go if he wanted, and she would leave their child with him because she didn’t want to separate them.

Martin wrote “…. what can I say to her so she won’t leave? I don’t want to lose my wife.”

Answer:

The problem here is that some women, who become financially responsible for the family because their husbands are not working, have a tendency to look down on their husbands and don’t respect them as much. Do you really believe that she doesn’t have someone else? What kind of mother would abandon her 8 year old boy with the father? I believe only a woman who already has someone else waiting for her in the wings would abandon her child like that.

All the red flags are there: lack of intimacy, avoiding being home, willingness to leave her boy behind, and simply being so ready to leave. You need to tell her that you will get an attorney ASAP to protect yourself, the home, the birds, the cats, the boy, the cars, the bicycles, and whatever. Tell her you will ask for spousal and child support. Make it very ugly in order for her to see how serious you are. Perhaps that will change her mind and she will think twice before packing her bags to leave. Hopefully, that will be enough incentive for her to think about her marriage in a more serious manner and she’ll try to save it. If she insists that she wants to leave, then get a lawyer, hand her a toothbrush, and show her the door. Good luck. I hope she comes to her senses.

 

*Name has been changed for privacy

You can’t have both ways.

*Josh, in Milpitas, has re-acquainted himself with an old girlfriend from his past. They met at 21 and dated. Then, after two years, their lives took different paths. One year ago, 28 years after they broke up, they met up again for the first time at a common friend’s wedding. One thing led to another, sparks flew, and a long distance romance bloomed. Now, after dating long distance for the past 12 months and burning the phone lines, they saw each other only 4 times. Now they’re talking marriage and she is thinking of moving to the state where he lives in order for them to get married. Josh says he is madly in love with her and she says the feeling is mutual.

Josh said that he has done a lot of very dishonest things in his past that he’s not proud of and would be incredibly embarrassed to tell her. He has not being very savvy with money (even though he has turned his life around) and he hasn’t shared that part with her, either. She, on the other hand, has led a very productive life, has become a very successful person in her own right, and was able to retire at a very young age. Therefore, money will never be a problem for her.

He is also very educated, but a car accident left him with some physical limitations. Due to this problem, he is unable to work full time which doesn’t earn him a lot of money. He is a man of modest means and he told her that when she comes to join him in matrimony, she would have to give up her money. He would support both of them. She apparently agreed. Josh has tried to talk to her and ask her what she will do with her money, but she either evades the question or never gives a clear answer.

Another thing that is bothering him is that his car was stolen and he didn’t have a way to get around. Knowing his precarious situation, she didn’t offer to help him out with his car or offer to perhaps get him some kind of transportation, or even give him some money to help him out a bit. The worst thing is that she goes on many vacations instead of coming to visit him since he cannot afford to go visit her as often. He’s feeling very uneasy and insecure about this relationship. He would like to know what he should do to salvage this relationship.

Answer: Let’s go by parts: first of all, you don’t really know who this woman even is. You have been dating her long distance for only 12 months and saw her 4 times. That’s not a real relationship, that’s a pseudo-relationship.  Also, the person you thought she was at 21-22 is a totally different person today and you don’t know her. I believe you are infatuated with what she was at 21-22. You hadn’t spoken to her in 28 years, and then a year ago you met her again at your friend’s wedding. Proof that you don’t know each other is that you haven’t come clean to her about what you have been doing these past years, either. You have not been sincere because you aren’t feeling safe with her. I think that you know if you tell her about your past, she may leave you.

Second: she said she would give up her financial position and come join you in marriage, but hasn’t done it yet. Don’t hold your breath. I don’t think she will; and if I knew her, I would tell her not to give up the money she worked so hard to get because she is now enjoying the accoutrements that come with having financial security. She would not be very bright if she did give up her financial security to move to another state to be with a man that she doesn’t really know either. Let’s be honest: she doesn’t truly know the man you have become.

Third: you speak from both sides of your mouth. In one hand you say you want to support both of you and you want her to give her money away. On the other hand you want her to take care of you as you demonstrated when you complained that she didn’t help you or offer you some kind of transportation when you lost your car. I hate to break it to you, but you are not entitled to her money and she should not give you anything. She doesn’t know you. You haven’t been honest with her. You are not married to her yet. You either need to prove that you can take care of both of you, or you don’t.

I believe if you’d been totally honest with her and told her exactly what you thought about the relationship, it would not have brought you two closer. I believe she would distance herself from you. You already have proof that you don’t know this woman well. She doesn’t seem to be as enthralled with you as you are with her otherwise she would visit you instead of choosing to go on her many vacations. Why hasn’t she given you clear answers to your questions?  I think you are simply delaying a heartbreak; but, ultimately, you are the one who will have to make the decision of whether to stay until she leaves you or let her go at once. How to salvage this relationship? You need to have an honest conversation but you seem unwilling and by avoiding the hard conversations you are simply postponing disappointment. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

 

 

Engagement ring: return it or not?

*Larry, from Walnut Creek, got engaged two years ago. He gave his girlfriend an engagement ring and she gave him a ring as well  (a golden ring with one encrusted diamond from a world-renowned brand name jewelry store). They never set up a wedding date and after an eight-month engagement, he broke it off.

Larry’s fiancé returned her engagement ring to him but didn’t ask to have his engagement ring returned to her. Larry said the ring he received from her is more expensive than the diamond ring he gave her.  One year has passed and now she has sent him an email asking for the ring back. Larry doesn’t want to give the ring back because he feels it was a gift; but now she’s insisting that she wants the ring back. He wants to know if he should give her the ring back or keep it since it was a gift.

Answer: Interesting. You’re the one who broke off the engagement. She was classy enough to return your ring and you apparently didn’t have the same decency. An engagement ring is contingent upon an event happening; and in this case, the event is something called “wedding” or “marriage”.  If she had told you to keep it because it was a gift, then you would be justified in keeping the ring and would not be obligated to give it back.  According to you, she didn’t say, “Keep the ring.” She was probably hoping you would do the right thing and return the ring just as she returned hers to you.

When an engagement/wedding is off, the ring has to return. It’s the classy thing to do. In some places, I believe, it is the legal thing to do. So, it’s time for you to do what you were supposed to do as soon as YOU broke off the engagement: man up and stop trying to fleece your former fiancé. Return her ring just as she returned yours.

 

Whatever happened to men?

I had another post prepared for today but something happened yesterday evening that just to think about it make my teeth rattle. Instead of the original post I was going to publish today, I decided to write about what I witnessed yesterday evening which is pretty much in the same subject line.

Last night, I went to a friend’s birthday party. It was a small gathering of friends and family to celebrate her 40th birthday. At one point I got some food and spotted one chair left at a nearby table. I sat down, introduced myself to my table mates and not even five minutes after I sat down to eat, a disagreement about someone’s aunt or mother in law broke out between two of my table mates, (I’ll call one Jane) and Jane’s husband’s cousin (I’ll call the pit bull). At one point the pit bull got up from her seat and threw white wine in Jane’s face. Jane got up, outraged. The pit bull, not happy, slapped Jane’s face while she was all embarrassed trying to tell the pit bull off. The pit bull wasn’t done yet, however. While Jane sat again at her chair, the pit bull pulled Jane’s hair so hard that her head snapped back and she fell out of her chair. That’s when the rat, Jane’s husband, got up and said to the pit bull, “I can’t believe what you did. I will never speak to you again.”

Oh-my-God! That was priceless! I couldn’t believe my eyes! That bitch assaulted his woman verbally and physically not only once, but three times while he sat idle, like a lump on a log, simply taking up space right by her side and all he had to say in her defense was that he would never speak to his cousin again. That’s rich!

While Jane was crying, all embarrassed, all I could think was that her husband was a coward. I felt angry inside and totally helpless. I wanted to scream my outrage. If my man ever let me get assaulted by someone else in his presence and did nothing about it, you can bet your money that the following day, I would be visiting a divorce attorney.

Whatever happened to men? I was taught by the men who grew me up that a man, who doesn’t provide and protect his woman while others are verbally or physically assaulting her in front of him, doesn’t deserve to be called a man. They told me, that type of male is nothing but a rat. A man in my country would have picked up that bitch by the arm and physically escorted her out of the premises in less than one minute.

Provide and protect, that’s what a man does in my book; and if you cannot do that, don’t call yourself a man. That little scene ruined the evening for me. I don’t know how it is in other states, but here in California it saddens me to say that I have seen this behavior more times than I can count: a man stands idly by while others are saying cruel things to his woman right in front of his eyes and he just stands there like a schmuck and doesn’t defend her. Wimp! This is the state of manhood in California. How sad.

Am I a liar? Or simply overly-sensitive?

This reader needs help but can’t ask his friends because he doesn’t want to paint his beloved in a bad light. Many times when he and his wife make an agreement or he tells her something, he later finds that she denies ever having any knowledge of it because he didn’t tell her. For instance, if they agree to go out to dinner in two weeks, the night before he mentions that he’s excited for their upcoming date (after clearing his schedule or working around the designated night), she will deny that they made plans and say that he didn’t tell her.

When he tries to gently remind her that she did agree to it, she will confidently reply, “No, you didn’t tell me that.” This has happened so frequently that, afraid he was losing his mind (or worse, that he was accusing his wife of forgetting when perhaps he was the forgetful one), he started taking special notes of what they agreed by either writing it down or secretly recording her so that he was absolutely certain that he was not accusing her of anything.

Well, now that he knows for sure that he has told her something when she denies it, the relationship is becoming strained. He will remind her of previous agreements when they make them and again, she will deny it, saying, “No, you never told me that”. If he insists that he told her, she’ll become upset, defensive and angry, cutting him off when he tries to talk to her and loudly denying he told her anything.

He’s very upset because he says he’s an honorable man and his word means something. Her insistence in saying that he didn’t say things when he knows he said it, is driving him crazy and away from her. He’s wondering if there is a reason to stay with a woman who, when all is said and done, basically deems him a liar. She may not have said the words that he IS a liar, but when she denies that he told her something, insists that he is wrong, gets defensive when she’s caught, she is basically calling him a liar. Taking notes and recording her is taking a considerate amount of effort and energy on his part and he’s tired of having the same conversation. He asked me: “Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? Am I being overly sensitive about this? Is this not a big deal?” He asked for an outsider perspective before making a tough decision about his life.

So, my readers, I know what I will tell him but before I do that, I emailed him saying that I will not only offer my personal perspective, but I will ask my readers to weigh in and give us their perspective as well and see what percentage will agree or disagree with his assessment. Readers help this guy out and let us know:

What is your perspective? Is he being hyper sensitive about this? Does he have a point in thinking his wife is calling him a liar?

If you want to answer anonymously, simply email me at ask_cristina@cristinarobinson.com or go to my Facebook page and let us have it. Thank you for your help. I will publish my answer to him and yours on Friday’s blog.

 

 

Newly married wife doesn’t want to put out

*Jack, from Russian Hill, said that he dated his wife for one year before getting married and she used to be a great lover right before marriage. They have been married for about one and a half years now; but for the past 11 months sex has been rare and far in between. Every time he wants to get “close” to her, it turns into a begging session. When she finally concedes, she just lays there as if she’s doing him a favor. Jack wants to know what he can tell her that will help her go back to the way she used to be in bed and add a little more frequency than once a month. He said he loves her and doesn’t want to say anything that may hurt her feelings.

Answer: Jack “ma man”, since you don’t want to hurt her feelings, then, please don’t say anything and stay in your quasi-almost-non-existent, pseudo intimacy kind of marriage. Make sure not to complain about it either. Let HER continuing hurting YOUR feelings since you don’t want to hurt hers.

Now, if one day you decide to have the courage to face the problem in your marriage, then by all means, open your mouth and talk frankly with her and tell her that you didn’t marry her, or anybody, so you could live like that. Explain to her that having reasonable sex, wanting to make love to your spouse, is part of the marriage vows you two took; and any MAN or WOMAN who doesn’t fulfill that part is neglecting his/her part unless a health problem is present.

Spouses who sexually neglect their partners then come up with the “oh, you hurt my feelings” card when the other partner brings it up, are being manipulative and a bad spouse. When you talk to your wife about this and she brings this card up, do not allow yourself to be manipulated like that. Face it and talk about the situation until you bring a resolution to it.

If your situation doesn’t improve, then you have a decision to make. You didn’t mention kids, so I’m going to assume there are none and since you’re childless, the decision should not be that hard. One thing though, if your love for her is greater than your need to have sex, then welcome to monk-hood, because that’s where you’ll be heading. If the sex is almost non-existent now, I’ll give you one to two years before it stops altogether; but at least you will not have hurt her feelings. Hope you got my sarcasm.

 

A Call to Arms for Decent Men

by Ernest W. Adams

Guys, we have a problem. We are letting way too many boys get into adulthood without actually becoming men. We’re seeing more and more adult males around who are not men. They’re as old as men, but they have the mentality of nine-year-old boys. They’re causing a lot of trouble, both in general and for the game industry specifically. We need to deal with this.

Why us? Because it’s our job to see to it that a boy becomes a man, and we are failing.

When we were little boys we all went through a stage when we said we hated girls. Girls had “cooties.” They were silly and frilly and everything that a boy isn’t supposed to be. We got into this stage at about age seven, and we left it again at maybe 10 or 11.

Then puberty hit and, if we were straight, we actively wanted the company of girls. We wanted to “go with” them, date them, and eventually we wanted to fall in love and live with one, maybe for the rest of our lives. That’s the way heterosexual boys are supposed to mature, unless they become monks.

My point is, you’re supposed to leave that phase of hating girls behind. Straight or gay, you’re supposed to grow the hell up.

What might be temporarily tolerable in a boy when he’s nine is pretty damned ugly when he’s fifteen and it’s downright psychopathic when he’s twenty. Instead of maturing into a man’s role and a man’s responsibilities, a lot of boys are stuck at the phase of hating girls and women. The boys continue to treat them like diseased subhumans right through adolescence and into adulthood.

Men have more power than women: financially, politically, and physically. What distinguishes a real man from a boy is that a man takes responsibility for his actions and does not abuse this power. If you don’t treat women with courtesy and respect – if you’re still stuck in that “I hate girls” phase – then no matter what age you are, you are a boy and not entitled to the privileges of adulthood.

  • If you want to have some private little club for males only – like keeping women out of your favorite shooter games – you’re not a man, you’re an insecure little boy. A grown-up man has no problem being in the company of women. He knows he’s a man.
  • If you freak out when a girl or a woman beats you in a game, you’re not a man, you’re a nine-year-old boy. A man doesn’t need to beat a woman to know he’s a man. A man is strong enough to take defeat in a fair game from anybody and move on.
  • If your masculinity depends on some imaginary superiority over women, then you don’t actually have any. Manliness comes from within, and not at the expense of others.
  • And if you threaten or abuse women, verbally or physically, you are not a man. You’re a particularly nasty specimen of boy.

When this puerile mentality is combined with the physical strength and sexual aggressiveness of an older boy or an adult male, it goes beyond bad manners. It’s threatening and anti-social, and if those boys are permitted to congregate together and support each other, it becomes actively dangerous. Yes, even online.

Of course, I don’t mean all boys are like this. Most of them get out of the cootie phase quickly and grow up just fine. But far too many don’t. If we don’t do something about these permanent nine-year-olds pretty soon, they’re going to start having boys of their own who will be just as bad if not worse, and life will not be worth living. Life is already not worth living on Xbox Live Chat.

In addition to the harm they do to women – our mothers, our sisters, our daughters – these full-grown juveniles harm us, too. A boy who refuses to grow up has lousy social skills, a short attention span, and a poor attitude to work. Furthermore, all men – that’s you and me, bro – get the blame for their bad behavior. And we deserve it, because we’ve been sitting on our butts for too long. We let them be bullies online and get away with it.

Some of you might think it’s sexist that I’m dumping this problem on us men. It isn’t; it’s just pragmatic. Women can not solve this problem. A boy who hates girls and women simply isn’t going to pay attention to a woman’s opinion. The only people who can ensure that boys are taught, or if necessary forced, to grow up into men are other men.

Let’s be clear about something else. This is not a political issue. This is not a subject for debate, any more than whether your son is allowed to swear at his mother or molest his sister is a subject for debate. There is no “other point of view.” The real-world analogy is not to social issues but to violent crime. Muggers don’t get to have a point of view.

So how do we change things?

First, we need to serve as positive examples. With the very little boys, we need to guide them gently but firmly out of the cootie phase. To the impressionable teenagers, we must demonstrate how a man behaves and how he doesn’t. Be the change you want to see. Use your real name and your real picture online, to show that you are a man who stands behind his words. Of course, you can’t prove your name is real, but it doesn’t matter. If you consistently behave with integrity online, the message will get across.

Secondly, we men need to stand up for courtesy and decency online. We can’t just treat this as a problem for women (or blacks, or gays, or anybody else the juvenile bullies have in their sights). Tell them and their friends that their behavior is not acceptable, that real men don’t agree with them, that they are in the minority. Say these words into your headset: “I’m disappointed in you. I thought you were a man, not a whiny, insecure little boy.” Don’t argue or engage with them. Never answer their questions or remarks, just repeat your disgust and disapproval. Assume the absolute moral superiority to which you are entitled over a bully or a criminal.

Finally, we need to put a stop to this behavior. It’s time for us to force the permanent nine-year-olds to grow up or get out of our games and forums. It’s not enough just to mute them. We need to build the infrastructure that precludes this kind of behavior entirely – Club Penguin has already done it for children – or failing that, we have to make the bullies pay a price for their behavior. Appealing to their better nature won’t work; bullies have none. We do not request, we do not debate, we demand and we punish.

I have some specific suggestions, from the least to the most extreme.

  1. Mockery. In 1993 50 Ku Klux Klansmen marched through Austin, Texas. Five thousand anti-Klan protestors turned up to jeer at them. Best of all, several hundred lined the parade route and mooned the Klan in waves. The media ate it up, and the Klan looked ridiculous. The hurt that they wanted to cause was met not with anger but with derision. The juvenile delinquents are just like the Klan in 1993: anonymous in their high-tech bedsheets, and threatening, but in fact, a minority. Let’s use our superior numbers and metaphorically moon the boys who can’t behave. They’re social inadequates, immature losers. Let’s tell them so, loud and clear, in front of their friends.
  2. Shut them up. The right to speak in a public forum should be limited to those who don’t abuse it. James Portnow suggested this one in his Extra Credits video on harassment. Anyone who persistently abuses others gets automatically muted to all players. The only players who can hear them are those who choose to unmute them. Or another of James’ suggestions: New users don’t even get the right to talk. They have to earn it, and they keep it only so long as they behave themselves. This means a player can’t just create a new account to start spewing filth again if they’ve been auto-muted. Build these features into your games.
  3. Take away their means. If you’re the father of a boy who behaves like this online, make it abundantly clear to him that it is unmanly and unacceptable, then deny him the opportunity to do it further. We don’t let nine-year-olds misuse tools to hurt other people. Take away his cell phone, his console and his computer. He can learn to behave like a man, or he can turn in his homework in longhand like a child.
  4. Anonymity is a privilege, not a right. Anonymity is a double-edged sword. A limited number of people need it in certain circumstances: children, crime victims, whistle-blowers, people discussing their medical conditions, political dissidents in repressive regimes. But those people normally don’t misuse their anonymity to abuse others; they’re protecting themselves from abuse. I think the default setting in all online forums that are not intended for people at risk should require real names. After a user has demonstrated that they are a grown-up, then offer them the privilege of using a pseudonym. And take it away forever if they misuse it. I haven’t used a nickname for years except in one place where all the readers know who I am anyway. Has it made me more careful about what I say? You bet. Is that a good thing? Damn right it is.
  5. Impose punishments that are genuinely painful. This suggestion is extreme, but I feel it’s both viable and effective. To play subscription-based or pay-as-you-go (“free-to-play-but-not-really”) games, most players need to register a credit card with the game’s provider. Include a condition in the terms of service that entitles the provider to levy extra charges for bad behavior. Charge $5 for the first infraction and double it for each subsequent one. This isn’t all that unusual; if you smoke in a non-smoking hotel room, you are typically subject to a whopping extra charge for being a jerk.

Now I’m going to address some objections from the very juvenile delinquents I’ve been talking about – if any of them have read this far.

  • What’s the big deal? It’s harmless banter. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the game.” To start with, it’s our game, not yours, and we get to decide what’s acceptable behavior. You meet our standards or you get out. Apart from that, nothing that is done with intent to cause hurt is harmless. The online abuse I have seen goes way beyond banter. Threats are not harmless, they are criminal acts.
  • But this is part of gamer culture! It’s always been like this!” No, it is not. I’ve been gaming for over 40 years, and it has not always been like this. Yours is a nasty little subculture that arrived with anonymous online gaming, and we’re going to wipe it out.
  • This is just political correctness.” Invoking “political correctness” is nothing but code for “I wanna be an asshole and get away with it.” I’ll give you a politically-incorrect response, if you like: fuck that. It’s time to man up. You don’t get to be an asshole and get away with it.
  • You’re just being a White Knight and trying to suck up to women.” I don’t need to suck up to women, thanks; unlike you, I don’t have a problem with them, because I’m a grown man.
  • Women are always getting special privileges.” Freedom from bullying is a right, not a privilege, and anyway, that’s bullshit. Males are the dominant sex in almost every single activity on the planet. The only areas that we do not rule are dirty, underpaid jobs like nursing and teaching. Do you want to swap? I didn’t think so.
  • It’s hypocrisy. How come they get women-only clubs and we don’t get men-only clubs?” Because they’re set up for different reasons, that’s why. Male-only spaces are about excluding women from power, and making little boys whose balls evidently haven’t dropped feel special. Female-only spaces are about creating a place where they are safe from vermin.
  • But there’s misandry too!” Oh, and that entitles you to be a running sore on the ass of the game community? Two wrongs don’t make a right.. I’ll worry about misandry when large numbers of male players are being hounded out of games with abuse and threats of violence. If a few women are bigoted against men, you only have to look in the mirror to find out why.
  • Free speech!” The oldest and worst excuse for being a jerk there is. First, you have no right to free speech in privately-owned spaces. Zero. Our house, our rules. Second, with freedom comes the responsibility not to abuse it. People who won’t use their freedoms responsibly get them taken away. And if you don’t clean up your act, that will be you.

OK, back to the real men for a few final words.

This is not about “protecting women.” It’s about cleaning out the sewers that our games have become. This will not be easy and it will not be fun. Standing up to these little jerks will require the same courage from us that women like Anita Sarkeesian have already shown. We will become objects of hatred, ridicule, and contempt. Our manhood will be questioned. But if we remember who we are and stand strong together, we can beat them. In any case we won’t be threatened with sexual violence the way women are. We have it easier than they do.

It’s time to stand up. If you’re a writer, blogger, or forum moderator, please write your own piece spreading the message, or at least link to this one. I also encourage you to visit Gamers Against Bigotry (http://gamersagainstbigotry.org), sign the pledge, are share it.

Use your heavy man’s hand in the online spaces where you go – and especially the ones you control – to demand courtesy and punish abuse. Don’t just mute them. Report them, block them, ban them, use every weapon you have. (They may try to report us in return. That won’t work. If you always behave with integrity, it will be clear who’s in the right.)

Let’s stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the women we love, and work with, and game with, and say, “We’re with you. And we’re going to win.”

Published with permission.

 

 

Women who are ball busters.

*Clark, from Alameda, was married for 10 years then got divorced. He spent the last 11 years raising his three daughters – two biological and one from a 10 year relationship he had with a woman after his divorce. All three girls were about the same age at the time (between 9 and 11 years old) when he met his girlfriend.

Twelve years later he met his new wife and he has been married to her for the past 4 1/2 years. To this date he maintains a relationship with the third daughter, today a young woman, since he is a father figure to her and his two daughters consider her like “family.” They all get together for birthdays and Christmas to exchange gifts. His intimidating, angry, and manipulative wife throws a fit every time he talks about this relationship or when he goes out to meet with her and his two other daughters.

Last night, when he came home after meeting the three young women, his wife flew into a rage. He told her he doesn’t want to get rid of the girl because she is like his family. At this, the wife replied that if she ever divorced him, his relationship with her two teenage boys, which he has been raising, will be terminated. Apparently, she told him that she asked 20 of her friends and they all agreed with her on this. He wrote me to ask what he can tell his wife to make her accept that he loves this young woman like his other biological daughters.

My answer:

Oh boy, it seems you chose poorly. You married an unreasonable and territorial BITCH. A loving woman has an open heart, especially where children are concerned; whereas your wife is willing to hurt her boys’ relationship with you simply because she can. So what if twenty of her wacky friends agree with her? (If she’s to be believed.) The fact that twenty people walk in locked step doesn’t mean they’re right.

You need to call a meeting to order. Then look her in the eyes and tell her: “if you continue with the whining and complaining about this, our relationship is not going to continue. I have been a father figure to her. This relationship is important to me and my daughters; and if you can’t embrace that, then I made a mistake marrying you.” If she decides to throw in the towel, then so be it. But you do have a choice and I bet this is not the first time your woman has muscled you into doing something unreasonable. Women like that have a pattern.

I wonder what the problem is that you could not find a soft, warm, sweet, gentle, and feminine woman. I am sure there are tons of them reading this right now and wondering, what the hell is wrong with you that you chose such a bitch.

I will never understand why some men marry women who are such ball busters. They don’t add joy and happiness to one’s lives because they’re too busy busting their men’s balls all the time.

 

*Name changed to protect his privacy

Happy Father’s Day!!

Happy Father’s Day to my readers who in spite of whatever difficulties in their lives, they do their best to stay connected to their children and be a constant presence because THAT connection will make all the difference in the world when these children become grown adults. I honor you today!!