Do you have a controlling man?

*Lynn, in Alameda, has been dating her boyfriend for a few years now and when she met him, she was a cigarette smoker. As the relationship progressed, he said he liked her and would like to continue seeing her; but she had to quit smoking because he hated the taste, couldn’t stand the smell and thought it was a disgusting habit. If she didn’t quit, he would move on. She “quit” but kept smoking behind his back. Two and half years later, they’re talking marriage. She wants to tell him that she doesn’t want to quit smoking. She wants to know who is in the wrong here. Should he be such a control freak and be able to tell her that she can’t smoke?

Let’s see where do we start: you have lied all this time to him and then label him control freak because he doesn’t like to date cigarette smokers. Of course, you are 100% wrong. He should be able to tell you that he doesn’t want to marry or be with someone that has a smoking habit. He did that in the beginning of the relationship before he became too invested. He doesn’t want to be with someone addicted to that bad smell and taste.  He has the right to make that choice for himself in his life and you have the right to continue smoking if you wish.

You lied and he needs to know that you deceived him. Saying that he’s controlling because he has asked you to quit is self-serving. He has the right to choose who he wants to be with. You’re thinking that because he loves you, he is supposed to take you if you smoke or not … that’s wrong.

Some women play this little game: when a man has a point of view, a strong feeling about something, and the lady in question doesn’t like it, she’s quick to label him controlling. That’s non-sense. I don’t like when women do that. It gives the rest of us a bad name.

Lynn, you need to fess up and tell him the truth before going any further. Be compassionate and put yourself in his place. You would not want any man to deceive you, either. You don’t have to quit smoking. No one should be able to tell you to quit. It’s your choice, but he also has the right to make his choice. Wouldn’t you want the same courtesy shown to you, if the roles were reversed?

*Names have been changed

 

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