Do you think you are unlovable?

I had an interesting conversation with a male “social friend”. He was complaining about how he never seemed to be able to keep a long-term girlfriend; he goes out on one or two dates with a woman, and then never hears from her again. I jokingly told him that at the very least his not having a girlfriend “makes a great excuse to hang out more with the boys”.

He admitted that while he does have a few friends, he has a hard time making them. He was upset because he thinks he’s unlovable, that he doesn’t matter, that in society he’s just a number and that no one cares.

I told him he needed to stop the whining and act (whining is not sexy).

That said, he is technically right about being a number. It’s true that in our society, nobody gives a damn, and that in the long run, we don’t matter. The only way we matter is when we create our own world, comprised by family, partners, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, maybe husbands/wives, maybe children, dear friends (not necessarily numerous, but good, solid friends). You create your own garden of sorts with these people and as life progresses you weed out the garden, by retaining some quality people (flowers) and letting others go (weeds).

In the grand scheme of things, it’s true that the Universe doesn’t give a hoot about you, him or me, especially when there are people dying in wars, natural disasters, accidents, and mass shootings such as the tragedy that occurred in Norway. The only way we matter is in what we do and create. We matter to the small circle of family we have, and to the small circle of friends who do care if we live or die. In society, by in large, we are relatively meaningless unless we do something really HUGE.

About having a hard time making friends: From what I’ve learned, people who have a hard time making friends usually don’t want to give. We can’t just walk in a room and be loved. We have to give in order to get back. We have to be kind, decent, honest and very grateful for what we have, grateful for our families, grateful for the lovely friends in our lives, grateful for our jobs in this tough economy, and especially grateful if we are enjoying good health.

Look for the beauty in everything, no matter how small. One day when we leave this Earth, the love garden we’ve created will give a damn about us. To those people, we will be missed; to those people, we won’t be just a number. They’ll miss us, because we were loved by them.

In the end, I told him to stop the whining and act, because if he was whining to me, he was probably whining to the girls and whining is not sexy. Go out and start creating your own love garden and you’ll always be surprised at the amount of love you harvest!

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