Do you trust the person you’re in a committed relationship with?

*Marize has been married for 19 years and has two children, one boy from a previous relationship and one girl from this marriage. She also has a 32 year old stepdaughter, Lisa, who is 4 months pregnant and about to get married within three weeks. She has had a very strained relationship with her stepdaughter from the get go and Lisa doesn’t speak to either Marize or her two kids, even though the girl is her half-sibling.

Marize’s husband is not Lisa’s biological father, either; but he was married to Lisa’s mother for 10 years and raised her as his own. He is her Dad and he’s the one walking her down the aisle. Marize and her two children were not invited to the wedding; only her husband. Marize is wondering if she and her two children should go to the wedding even though they were not invited. If she doesn’t go, she wants to tell her husband that he should not go either. Marize is afraid he’ll sleep with his ex-wife; since at the beginning of their marriage, before she had their daughter, he had a brief affair with that ex-wife and the possibility that he’ll do it again is driving her insane.

My answer:

The wedding: You and your children were not invited to the wedding and it is rude to show up anywhere without a proper invitation, especially to a wedding. So, you and your children will not be going. You will have other plans on the day of your stepdaughter’s wedding. I don’t know what happened there, but I am not surprised that there is contention when one marries into a step family situation. Not every step child falls in love with their parent’s new spouse, especially when that spouse brings their own child/children to the marriage. Add a half-sibling to the mix and things can get worse. All of that can cause pain and a feeling of alienation to the previous child/children and one of the end results is what you are experiencing now: the bad feelings are still lingering years later.

Your husband: You don’t seem to choose well, but you chose him. Your first relationship didn’t work out and left you with a child. Then you choose this man who has a child, and in the beginning of your marriage he goes and has an affair with the ex-wife he just left.  Next you have his baby after the affair; and now, years later, you want to attend a wedding that you were not invited in order to keep a watchful eye on him because you’re afraid he’ll have sex with his ex-wife in the broom closet while their daughter’s wedding is going on. Too many years have passed and since you stayed in this marriage, and thought it was a good idea to bring a baby in after the affair, I will assume that you must have patched things up with your husband. But if you think he’s going to betray you again with that woman, then you have no marriage. If you’re going to tell him that he can’t go alone because you’re afraid he’ll betray you, again, after all this time, you should not be married to him anymore. If you can’t trust the person you are with in a marriage, or committed relationship, then you have no business staying with that person. It’s not that complicated. It’s that simple. Stop torturing yourself and living in hell, voluntarily.


*Name changed to protect her identity


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