How to get your man back when you lose him.

“Regretful”  has been with her fiancé for 5 years now. He’s a very nice man who, according to her, loves her “very, very much.” He’s very attentive, romantic, and thoughtful. He does all kinds of things one does when they’re madly in love with someone. Two weeks ago, he finally broke up with her after finding out that one night, while out with her girlfriends; she ended up kissing two other guys. “Regretful” did that because she didn’t think she was in love with her fiancé and that her fiancé loved her a whole lot more than she loved him. She didn’t feel that same kind of love for him; but once the deed was done, she felt horrible guilt and decided to tell her fiancé. He didn’t take it too well and broke off the engagement on the spot. Since then, she has realized how much she is in love with him but was too immature to see it. They are supposed to get together in two days to return each other’s things and she wants this opportunity to make things right between them. Her words: “please help me. What can I say to get him back? I love him and I want him back in my life for good.”

How do you measure love? How do we know someone’s love is bigger than our love for them? I think when our man does all these beautiful things for us, he doesn’t do it because he wants to have butterflies in his stomach. He does it because he has admiration, respect, affection and awe towards us.

When we think we can’t return someone’s affections or feelings, we have a moral obligation to let him/her go in order for them to find a person who will return his/her affections. It’s only fair.  Being with someone for five years, all the while not returning that person’s affections – not cool – it’s using up that person’s life for one’s gain. I understand that it’s hard to let go when you think you have something so good that you think you will never find something like this in someone that you’ll love again but that’s selfish and cruel.

Now, if you think you truly made a mistake and you want to make things right, again, between you two, here is my advice, but I don’t guarantee that it will work; but if he loves you and he’ll see sincerity in you, he may consider it and you two may have a shot to have something beautiful again.

Were I you, when you meet him, go to him, hold his hands and look deep into his eyes and speak from your heart. First of all, it’s very important to truly apologize first, owning up to your mistake and how regretful you feel. Do not give a back hand apology “Oh, I’m sorry if I hurt you ..,” “I apologize if I hurt you but …” That’s not an apology. Every time you include and “if” or a “but,” you are not truly taking responsibility for your crap. Once you say “if or but,” you’re erasing anything that came before that. So, own up and truly apologize for hurting this person that you’re supposed to love.

When talking to him, look him in the eyes, touch him – remember, when we are talking to our beloved, touching him/her, releases the hormone Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, and it helps us bond – apologize then say “I love you; I want to live to make you happy every day. I want to spend my time thinking about how I can please you and make you happy that you’re with me. I do appreciate all that you have done for me and I would like the opportunity to do the same for you.” Only say it if you mean it. Then you need to let him go so he can soak up the information you gave him and being able to make his decision freely. If he decides to take you back, great; but if he doesn’t, don’t brow beat him. It’s not fair. You had your chance. Take this opportunity to learn something from this, so next time you won’t behave as ghastly as you did. Good luck!

PS: for those of you who think I am teaching her to manipulate him .. oh please! If I am going in front of a judge and I need to act in a certain way, I’ll ask a lawyer to teach me how to behave and what not to say. If I am going to meet and talk to the president of the United States or the Queen of England, there are certain protocols I have to follow and certain things I may not be able to say.  Someone will have to teach me that, is that manipulative? No, I would be getting information and is the same here. She wants him back but doesn’t know what to say and that’s when I come in. Now get over yourselves!

 

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