How would you feel if you found out you were deceived, used and lied to?

*Amy is 30 and her boyfriend is 27 years old. They have been together for 1-½ months and she has been hiding a problem from her boyfriend, which in the past has hindered her dating life. She has this need to talk to him at least every couple of hours. If they don’t talk for five hours, she goes nuts thinking he is getting “it” on with another woman and he’s going to “dump” her. The feeling is so intense that it becomes a physical pain.  She has been very good at hiding this side of her from him; but lately it is getting more and more difficult to keep this secret from exploding. It is taking over her life and occupying her thoughts at every moment. Consequently, she is afraid (very afraid) that she’s going to explode right in his face sometime soon. She likes him and doesn’t want their relationship to be ruined like the others before this one. She is looking for some techniques to cope with this feeling.

Answer: Amy, there is no technique for you to cope with this on your own. There is seeking professional help with this. The reality is, if you take a good look inside yourself, you will realize that you are not ready for a relationship. You are immature, very insecure, and are basically using him. You are lying to him, deceiving him, and showing him a person that doesn’t exist. You’re being dishonest and ensuring that he will fall in love with someone who is not the real you. That’s not very fair to him. Would you like a man to do that to you? I bet you wouldn’t appreciate it. You would feel deceived and lied to.

You need to do the right thing for him and for yourself. Let him go, break it off with him, ask your doctor for a referral to an excellent therapist, and get working on what is hampering your dating life. While you are working with the therapist, don’t date anybody. Take care of your emotional well-being first. Don’t stay with him hoping he will help you with this problem. It’s neither his problem nor his place to help you. It’s your obligation to bring your healthy self to a relationship. Make sure you get a good therapist who will find out what happened in your childhood that got you to where you are now. You need a therapist who will be upfront with you; someone who will tell you like it is. For example, a lot of therapists, instead of telling you, “You shouldn’t be dating right now,” will say, “Do you think it’s a good idea to date this guy now?” Although this is a more gentle way to say “don’t do it,” people won’t necessarily listen because they want what they want. So, choose someone who will be very upfront with you. Otherwise, all you will be doing is sitting in a therapist’s office for two years paying for your problem not to be solved. I wish you good luck with that.

*name changed to protect her privacy.

 

 

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