“Heartbroken” in Noe Valley said that she hasn’t had intercourse with her husband for the past six months since she found out that he had a hot and heavy affair with their neighbor. “Heartbroken” only found out because her husband left for the hardware store and forgot his cell phone on the table. She picked it up and started looking at the pictures of their kids on his cell when she came upon a video. It was a video of her husband and the neighbor having all kinds of (what she deemed) abusive, degrading, and demeaning sex.
What really made her sad was that while he was having an affair with their neighbor, she was begging him to make love to her but he would avoid her and she didn’t understand why. She wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of their 2 children and raise them together, but he will not have it unless she has sex with him again. She tried, but it’s killing her and she is the one avoiding him now. She can’t stand the thought of him touching her and can’t be loving towards him either. Even after they both attended counseling sessions, the images won’t leave her head; so she no longer feels the love she once felt for him. She wants to know what she can tell him that will make him understand that she doesn’t want anything intimate with him but does want to raise their kids together? “Heartbroken” is in a tough spot because she can’t talk to her family about this.
Answer: I don’t have the answer you are looking for. We can’t change people’s behavior. We can only change our own and he doesn’t want to stay with you without sex. In my view it’s over and you need to go take care of business. You will never be able to forget what he did or the images you saw. For him to have had sex outside his marriage was a huge betrayal; but to record it so he would be able to carry it around and look at it many times over, to me, is way out of line. Some things are unforgivable and that’s why they should not be done. This is not a decent man, and some things just can’t be repaired. He also lacks character and counseling sessions can’t fix bad character.
Since you really want to keep your family together, you should face him and say that you are willing to have him in the house as you will be working together to raise your children. You two have a moral obligation to your children, but you will NOT have him as your man because you no longer see him as such. He not only broke his vows, but also broke your trust. If he insists that he will not stay without the sex, then you know it’s truly over. Get a lawyer immediately and try to get the house, the kids and spousal/child support then send him on his way with his toothbrush. I wish you well.