If your groom choked you on your wedding night, would you stay?

Here is a 3 page email in a nutshell: *Missy is a nurse at the local hospital where she met *Sam. They had a relationship for a total of 10 years. He drank, had sex with other women while with her, shoved her a few times, and called her names. Throughout their 4 year relationship they were on and off more times that she can remember. After the 4 years of courtship, she married him. He choked her on their wedding night. One warm night he shoved her out of the house naked and she had to hide behind the bushes in her yard so the neighbors wouldn’t see her. He finally let her back in after 10 minutes but she felt it was forever.  Between his affairs, she went on to have a little boy; and after the baby was 11 months old, he left her for another woman.  It has been 7 months since all this happened and now he’s asking for a divorce. She is very angry at him. She feels he ruined her life. She’s lost and doesn’t know what to do. She needs an unbiased opinion of what to do. Her last sentence on the email was “Life is not fair!”

Answer:  What can I say? You like drama. You’re a drama queen. You go out with a drunk who has affairs during your courtship, abuses you during four years, and then you think it’s a good idea to marry him. Then on your wedding night he chokes you. Instead of picking up your stuff, leaving as soon as he falls asleep, and going straight to the police to file a report, take pictures of your neck and slap him with a restraining order, YOU, the drama queen, stayed until the next morning to wake up, have sex again, and to enjoy brunch together.  Are you kidding me?

The biggest crime of all is that you brought an innocent child into your drama who is going to pay for the sins of his mother. And don’t blame your useless ex-husband for ruining your life. You did that. You’re the one who decided to date him. You’re the one who decided to stay when he was abusing you; having affairs. You’re the one who accepted his marriage proposal. It was all YOU. Nobody sold you into a marriage. YOU, with your own free will, designed how you wanted your life to be. You could have broken off the relationship with him when you discovered the first betrayal or the first shove, but you decided that he was a good bet. So, don’t blame anyone else but yourself.

The “life is not fair” doesn’t apply here. When stuff happens to us involuntarily (cancer, a horrific accident, loss of a loved one, etc) it’s one thing; but when we volunteer for stuff, “life is not fair” doesn’t apply. You volunteered for the way your life went and until you accept responsibility for the mistakes you made along the way, you will not be able to move forward and reach a healthy place.

Give this jerk a divorce and count yourself lucky that he’s finally getting rid of you because you are too weak to do it. Once the divorce is final, concentrate on your work and raising your child. Your child came into this world with a loss already, he won’t have a good Dad. So please put all your efforts into raising your child with the limited amount of time you have. Don’t date at all. You’re not good at choosing men and if your hospital has some kind of Counseling services, you would profit from getting some hard core counseling to help you become stronger and figure out why you think being used and abused is acceptable.

*for privacy reasons, names have been changed

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