Living in fantasyland while having an inkling that he may be gay!

Dear Bewildered in Napa: First, my apologies for the delay in answering your question. It was a long one and I had to think very carefully about my answer to you. In sum, your then fiance had problems with pornography, then you find out that the porn he was watching, was gay porn because he was “curious”. You still married him after that.

From what I have learned in my lifetime, heterosexual men don’t have much curiosity about gay porn, unless is woman-on-woman. Knowing he was “curious” about gay porn, you still married him. Then knowing he wasn’t too “fond” of getting “sweaty and dirty” with you, you made a decision to make not one child but two children. After all said and done, he comes out of the closet to you.

From what you told me, it seems to me that you wanted what you wanted and you were avoiding reality by hanging on to your fantasy – how? By not acknowledging or questioning his behaviors prior to your marriage. Reality is different than what we want sometimes and like real life, it is humbling. It’s not perfect, but it’s real and we need to face it. Fantasy is not real life; but real life is much better than fantasy because fantasy keeps us wanting more of what we can’t have.

Since you asked me what to do, in my opinion, you should talk to him and tell him you’re glad he finally faced who he really is and that you think he already had an idea of who he was. Since he made a commitment to you and your children (marriage and creating a family), he should honor the commitment he made and help raise your two babies WITH YOU within the family you both created. Tell him, that like you, both of you will behave honorably and there will be no affairs or boyfriends on either side. You will both honor the human beings you created and brought to this world, at least until they’re up and out of the house.

Is it going to be difficult? Not if you continue to honor the commitment you both made when you got married and created your children. Remembering that commitment is a decision you make, it won’t be that hard to follow through. After the kids grow up and are up and out, both of you will be able to go your separate ways, until then good luck to you both.

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