Would you give up some of your freedom to be with the love of your life?

How to find a boyfriend

Would you give up some of your freedom to be with the one you love?

Here is a little condensed letter from Janet (she allowed me to use her name) from Millbrae: “My boyfriend asked me to marry him last week. I said yes, but as soon as the novelty wore off, I began having second thoughts. I value my independence; I don’t really want to get married and risk losing it. I want to be able continue doing what I’ve always done—whether that be biking, yoga, or hiking—on a whim, without having to constantly check in. I really do enjoy having a boyfriend but he really wants to get married. What should I tell him?”

I know that I, personally, would be willing to sacrifice some of the freedom to do anything on a whim to have a loving husband or partner—and I consider myself to be pretty independent! Now, if you don’t want to give in even a little bit, then you’re going to find yourself either alone or in a relationship in which your boyfriend resents you. Because the truth is, while you may like having your boyfriend around as just that—your boyfriend—he presumably wants a family and a committed life with you, in which case you need to let him go.

In the Winter of your life, your yoga class won’t be there to give you an aspirin when your head is killing you, your biking won’t be there to listen to you after a long day, and your hiking won’t be there to kiss you good morning and hold you at night. Think instead about the day you are hiking with your husband and you fall down and injure yourself; he’ll be there to give you a hand and help you out.  He’ll hold you, soothe you, stroke your head, and he will look in your weathered face, thinking it is the most beautiful one he has ever seen, he will tell you how much he loves you and how being with you has made his life happier. You have a decision to make and only you can do that, no one else can. I hope I have given you a different view. Good luck, dear!!

Looking for someone to share your life?

When you are looking for someone to share your life with, being educated, smart and intellectual is very interesting; BUT being warm, loving, caring and compassionate is way more important.

It takes a smart woman to choose a good man. Losers are everywhere, they’re easier to find; but a strong, kind and capable man, who is already an adult, is a true treasure. Book smart is not everything; but common sense is the most important requirement on your part when looking.

 

 

 

A gentleman should always court a lady!

A gentleman courting a lady should do just that, court her. Courting means he treats her every time they go out for the next month or so. In turn, she’ll be kind, sweet, adorable, interesting, savvy and will do sweet things for him, too. A few special home-cooked meals will be very much appreciated by him because time and effort were put into it. Even a picnic will be appreciated.

If a gentleman asks you on a date, then asks (or expects) you to pay half, he’s not a gentleman. If you acquiesce and pay for your half…. well, then you’re no lady, either. A lady on a date with a gentleman should only open her wallet to put lipstick on and nothing else. It doesn’t matter that she makes more money than he does. If that’s the case, her lips should be buttoned.

There will be more on this subject in a later post. Remember, while the courtship is ongoing for the first month or so, that’s his turn to treat. Of course, a lady needs to understand that the gentleman should take her where he can afford, thus, be fair.

A lady needs to get the idea out of her mind that if she accepts a gentleman’s treating her on a date, or for a drink, she is not obligated to do anything else. This should never even cross a lady’s mind. You should go out and let the gentleman pay for your drink or for dinner. If, afterward, you’re no longer enjoying his company, be polite and thank him. Then off on your way you go.

Sleeping with the gentleman while the courtship is ongoing … bad idea. If the relationship has not been defined yet as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, then that is a huge “no-no”. Use that courtship period wisely in order to get to know each other better. Ask all kinds of questions that you would otherwise not ask if you were sleeping together. He should do the same to you.

The only way to get to know each other is to ask questions. Do not be timid or embarrassed. If you cannot talk freely with the person you are getting to know, sometimes that can be an indication of what is to come. People love to talk about themselves, so ask away. Establish where the relationship is going or where it stands before committing yourself to it. Keep in mind that what men don’t have to work hard for, they don’t value!

The advice above is only for people who are actually looking for a life partner, who are serious and not into wasting their precious time. Time is a very expensive commodity and it should be treated with respect.

…. and remember that relationships are about natural reciprocity, not tit-for-tat score keeping!!

 

Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?

Looking for Mr. Right

Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?

Lauren, 35, from Novato, asked me how does she know if she has found Mr. Right and not Mr. Right now:

·   * When he acknowledges you as his girlfriends to his friends

·   * When he tells you that he thinks about you when he’s away and when he’s  near

·   * When he allows you to pick his wardrobe or when he dresses up looking for your approval

·   * When he puts making you happy ahead of his own happiness

·   * When he’s seen you without make up and messy hair; and he’s still keep calling

·   * When he introduces you to his family, knowing that this could change everything

This is just a few but important. We all deserve someone special who will love and respect us in that very special way.

Commiting to the person you’re suppose to love!

Commitment

Commiting to the person you love!

LJ in Belmont asked me a question about marriage. In her letter it was all about “me”, “me”, “me”, me” and “me” and she asked me not to mention the question here because she would be embarrassed if her friend who reads this blog, reads it and recognize her. Here is my simple answer that anyone, not knowing what she asked me, can take it to heart and find it useful. I hope LJ can find it useful as well.

There is something elevated and spectacular about a covenant, which people put away their fears and their selfishness in order to commit to something bigger than themselves.  It’s always very important to take care of each other.

Unfortunately in many relationships instead of taking care of the well being of the other person, we mostly, selfishly think about ourselves in every moment: how we look, how we feel, etc., and sadly the other person ends up not feeling loved or important. So LJ, ditch the “me” virus and concentrate on your other half!

Males who want their women to work so they can have stuff!

Men, who want their spouse to work instead of raising their own children, are looking for power and acquisition instead of love and sacrifice.  They are a bunch of wimps. Steer clear from them.  Wimps!

Picking up heavy equipment is not, in and of itself, doing or being a man.  Handling challenges and threats, THAT would be more appropriate and conducive to being a real man.

I wanted to write this post after I had an interesting conversation with a male person I often see around town and this time, I was introduced to him at a party a few days ago, that left me wanting to jump on his chest with both my feet.

We were talking about life and other things and he said “I told my wife she had to go back to work after the birth of our child because it is too stressful for me to have to provide by myself for my family. She wants to stay home with our son, but I would like us to have nice vacations and perhaps be able to buy a better car …. I can’t stand it. It is just too much, too stressful”.

If he had stopped at that, there would have been no problem. I would have left his presence in total disgust but would have not said a thing. But when he said, “You know, you understand how things go, it’s tough, what do you think? ..…”

Huh? What do I think? Too bad he asked so I answered him “No, I do not get it. A man who is weak and can’t handle stress should not have gotten married and made a family. A real man would do whatever needs to be done to take care of his family. I guess if you were a coal miner, you would be peeing on your pants and crying like a bitch every time you had to go down there in that cavernous place. What do you think? That coal miners love their jobs? No, they don’t. But they do what they have to do in order to take care of business”. If he’ll ever see me again, I guess he won’t be talking to me, anytime soon.

Wimp! Wimps love a hard working woman. They like really independent girls, go getters, hard workers, great achievers, this way they can relax and let the woman do the work. Urghh!

People gossiping about your "dirty" past!

“Concerned” in Castro asked what can she do, when some people from her past keep reminding others of her “dirty” past with men. These people are not part of her life now and she is a very different person from what she used to be in her distant past.

I have an easy answer: don’t worry about the people in your past, there is a reason they didn’t make it to your future. Ignore their comments when they get to your ears through others, make believe you didn’t hear them and change the subject. Go about life as usual. Don’t worry about people not in your present life, gossiping about your past. If you don’t feed the dragon, it will die of hunger.

Something to consider when going out on date!

I always advise my private clients when going on their first date, to have fun, be sweetly, kindly and adorably blunt. Meaning, don’t waste their time or their date’s time, tell him exactly what your expectations are, this way if he doesn’t like what he hears, he won’t call you back, and you’ll be able to move on to the next date.

Example, if all you want is to have fun, then don’t bother but if you are interested in a more serious relationship that will lead to marriage, tell him that you are not dating just for fun, you are actually dating for the ultimate goal to be marriage. That doesn’t mean he’s the ONE who’s going to be your husband but that you do not want to invest your valuable time with someone who just wants fun and is not on the same path as you are.

When I tell my clients this, their eyes get bigger and 90% of them says: “I’m going to scare my date!”. I explain that if they do scare their date, and their dates don’t call them back, be happy and elated. Who wants to date a scared  little boy anyway? I believe a woman would rather go out on a date with a mature man who would not be scared away just because she gave him information. If he’s not interested in dating with marriage as a goal, a real man will not be afraid to tell her either.

Remember, what you do on your first date sets the precedent for the rest of the relationship! Always give him “information”, mature people by in large, do better with information.

Way to keep it simple!

When in a long, loving, committed relationship, remember to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

Intense Dating

Don’t be in a hurry to date after a break up.  Dating too many people in short periods of time will also make you experience intense break ups, intense sex and intense everything.  If you insist on dating too soon, you are going to get crass and cynical about men, love and commitment. That’s why this intense type of dating is a mistake.

Until one has the maturity to know who they are, it is better to wait instead of making a hasty decision to start dating before one is ready in order to find out what one really needs and wants. The number one reason that people get afraid of what that new person might do or not do is because they don’t believe they are strong enough to survive pain.

Why do things before you are ready?  Women who date frequently, or shortly after a break up, are simply not ready. Why do they do it?  Because they want to feel like they’re in love. They don’t want to feel alone. Some women even tend to measure themselves by if some guy loves them; and THAT is a bad mistake.