Husband having an affair with the neighbor. Forgivable?

“Heartbroken” in Noe Valley said that she hasn’t had intercourse with her husband for the past six months since she found out that he had a hot and heavy affair with their neighbor. “Heartbroken” only found out because her husband left for the hardware store and forgot his cell phone on the table. She picked it up and started looking at the pictures of their kids on his cell when she came upon a video. It was a video of her husband and the neighbor having all kinds of (what she deemed) abusive, degrading, and demeaning sex.

What really made her sad was that while he was having an affair with their neighbor, she was begging him to make love to her but he would avoid her and she didn’t understand why. She wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of their 2 children and raise them together, but he will not have it unless she has sex with him again. She tried, but it’s killing her and she is the one avoiding him now. She can’t stand the thought of him touching her and can’t be loving towards him either. Even after they both attended counseling sessions, the images won’t leave her head; so she no longer feels the love she once felt for him. She wants to know what she can tell him that will make him understand that she doesn’t want anything intimate with him but does want to raise their kids together? “Heartbroken” is in a tough spot because she can’t talk to her family about this.

Answer: I don’t have the answer you are looking for. We can’t change people’s behavior. We can only change our own and he doesn’t want to stay with you without sex. In my view it’s over and you need to go take care of business. You will never be able to forget what he did or the images you saw. For him to have had sex outside his marriage was a huge betrayal; but to record it so he would be able to carry it around and look at it many times over, to me, is way out of line. Some things are unforgivable and that’s why they should not be done. This is not a decent man, and some things just can’t be repaired. He also lacks character and counseling sessions can’t fix bad character.

Since you really want to keep your family together, you should face him and say that you are willing to have him in the house as you will be working together to raise your children. You two have a moral obligation to your children, but you will NOT have him as your man because you no longer see him as such. He not only broke his vows, but also broke your trust. If he insists that he will not stay without the sex, then you know it’s truly over. Get a lawyer immediately and try to get the house, the kids and spousal/child support then send him on his way with his toothbrush. I wish you well.



If your groom choked you on your wedding night, would you stay?

Here is a 3 page email in a nutshell: *Missy is a nurse at the local hospital where she met *Sam. They had a relationship for a total of 10 years. He drank, had sex with other women while with her, shoved her a few times, and called her names. Throughout their 4 year relationship they were on and off more times that she can remember. After the 4 years of courtship, she married him. He choked her on their wedding night. One warm night he shoved her out of the house naked and she had to hide behind the bushes in her yard so the neighbors wouldn’t see her. He finally let her back in after 10 minutes but she felt it was forever.  Between his affairs, she went on to have a little boy; and after the baby was 11 months old, he left her for another woman.  It has been 7 months since all this happened and now he’s asking for a divorce. She is very angry at him. She feels he ruined her life. She’s lost and doesn’t know what to do. She needs an unbiased opinion of what to do. Her last sentence on the email was “Life is not fair!”

Answer:  What can I say? You like drama. You’re a drama queen. You go out with a drunk who has affairs during your courtship, abuses you during four years, and then you think it’s a good idea to marry him. Then on your wedding night he chokes you. Instead of picking up your stuff, leaving as soon as he falls asleep, and going straight to the police to file a report, take pictures of your neck and slap him with a restraining order, YOU, the drama queen, stayed until the next morning to wake up, have sex again, and to enjoy brunch together.  Are you kidding me?

The biggest crime of all is that you brought an innocent child into your drama who is going to pay for the sins of his mother. And don’t blame your useless ex-husband for ruining your life. You did that. You’re the one who decided to date him. You’re the one who decided to stay when he was abusing you; having affairs. You’re the one who accepted his marriage proposal. It was all YOU. Nobody sold you into a marriage. YOU, with your own free will, designed how you wanted your life to be. You could have broken off the relationship with him when you discovered the first betrayal or the first shove, but you decided that he was a good bet. So, don’t blame anyone else but yourself.

The “life is not fair” doesn’t apply here. When stuff happens to us involuntarily (cancer, a horrific accident, loss of a loved one, etc) it’s one thing; but when we volunteer for stuff, “life is not fair” doesn’t apply. You volunteered for the way your life went and until you accept responsibility for the mistakes you made along the way, you will not be able to move forward and reach a healthy place.

Give this jerk a divorce and count yourself lucky that he’s finally getting rid of you because you are too weak to do it. Once the divorce is final, concentrate on your work and raising your child. Your child came into this world with a loss already, he won’t have a good Dad. So please put all your efforts into raising your child with the limited amount of time you have. Don’t date at all. You’re not good at choosing men and if your hospital has some kind of Counseling services, you would profit from getting some hard core counseling to help you become stronger and figure out why you think being used and abused is acceptable.

*for privacy reasons, names have been changed

My personal take on divorce!

A little while back, I wrote a post entitled “People’s True Character Reveals Itself Under Pressure”. I received private emails and comments on the post above but I was asked not to make them public. I respect that because people identified themselves and asked for privacy and I do respect that. What I don’t respect is people being cowards and posting anonymous comments, hiding behind their anonymity in order to make a statement.

I don’t respond to anonymous comments, I have in the past but I make a point of no longer doing it. What is the point? If the person is hiding behind anonymity, he/she doesn’t want to be taken seriously but this anonymous post did me a favor by calling my attention to the question of divorce and I think I should clarify my point of view. He or she wrote:

Are you a marriage advisor or do you get a bounty for each divorce you helped make happen?

I’m assuming Anonymous is referring to the post above and that’s where he/she made the comment more than twenty days after I originally posted it. I would be irresponsible to tell a man or a woman to stay in a marriage or in any relationship if the other person is violent or can’t hold their temper. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that, why would I tell others to stay?

I don’t believe in divorce unless there is:

Abuse – physical violence or constant psychological put downs
Affairs – a spouse who constantly steps outside the marriage bed
Addictions – abuse of prescription drugs, illegal drugs, gambling, pornography, etc.
Alienation of Affection – making love is part of the marriage vows and when one of the parties breaches it for good, what the other spouse is supposed to do? Become a monk? Join a nunnery?

Also, when there are children involved I believe both parties need to put their differences aside for the best interest of the children they created. I don’t care if they are not happy; to me, their happiness is not the most important thing when they created other human beings who didn’t ask to be here. Hunker down and do what’s right. Once the kids are up and out, then we can do whatever we want with our lives but until then, we have a greater responsibility to our children than our happiness.

When we stay and try to make it a happy home and a stable environment for our children to grow and thrive, it also ensures that we have a greater influence on our children’s lives. It’s better than divorcing. Once we divorce, we only have 50% influence, the other half when they will be with the other parent, we’ll be pulling our hair out, frustrated because the other parent may not give a damn and will let the kids do what they want. One may argue that “oh, we get along fine and the children will be fine”. Well, if you get along so fine, then there is no need for divorce, is it? But if any of the four A’s above apply to their situation, with children or no children, it’s over.

One last point on divorce: sometimes people make a mistake, we’re only humans and not perfect. I am big in repairing mistakes. If you made a mistake, repair it.

I know I am going to take a beating for what I am saying here. I am going to receive all kinds of emails, telling me how their situation is different blah-blah-blah. That’s nice, but these are my views and not everybody will agree with them, which is fine. I don’t debate people on this, I respect the way they think, but it’s my OPINION and they are entitled to have theirs.

When I express my opinions, I don’t expect people to take them as gospel or truths, they are MY opinions, that’s all what it is and I don’t care if people don’t like them either, I don’t live my life to win any popularity contest. People who have nothing to say and constant bob their head acquiescing to anything people say because they don’t want to be perceived as not “nice”, are boring to me, I don’t learn anything from them. An elephant has more personality than they do.

The point I am making is that I am not afraid to express my views even if people don’t agree with them at least I don’t stand behind anonymity when I want to say something, if I make a statement, I stand behind it. It may not be popular but at least I have the courage to stand by my convictions.

Now, let the beating begin 🙂