Ever wondered what goes on behind the nation’s closed doors? Or rather between the nation’s bedsheets, behind those closed doors?
A survey revealing the secrets of Britain’s adulterers has shown that an enormous 57% have slept with both their spouse and lover in a 24-hour period.
The research was conducted by AshleyMadison.com, an infidelity dating website whose tag line is “Life is short, have an affair”.
Surfing the Internet for stories on the heart front, I arrived at Reddit.com and read about its editor and founder Dante Lesnie, coming back from a business trip just last month, early in the morning (6:30am) and upon sitting on his couch (he didn’t want to make noise and wake his wife and the kids), he received an odd text message “thanks for staying over babe. I love sleeping next to you”. Since he had just arrived home, that led him to believe that he had missed his wife’s lover by just a few minutes. Ouch!!
Apparently, after denying any affair, by telling him it was a girlfriend who spent the night, the wife finally confessed to cheating and told him, he missed the lover by 15 minutes. She has not only cheated on him but used the family finances to fund the swing lifestyle she wants and to take her lover to fancy places. Double Ouch!!
I feel pretty terrible for him. I think he’s not only feeling betrayed and angry but probably feeling very much helpless, with the prospect of losing his home (kiss that one goodbye) and being separated from his children. I hope he has not only a great divorce attorney but a shrewd one as well! He’ll need it.
*Marize has been married for 19 years and has two children, one boy from a previous relationship and one girl from this marriage. She also has a 32 year old stepdaughter, Lisa, who is 4 months pregnant and about to get married within three weeks. She has had a very strained relationship with her stepdaughter from the get go and Lisa doesn’t speak to either Marize or her two kids, even though the girl is her half-sibling.
Marize’s husband is not Lisa’s biological father, either; but he was married to Lisa’s mother for 10 years and raised her as his own. He is her Dad and he’s the one walking her down the aisle. Marize and her two children were not invited to the wedding; only her husband. Marize is wondering if she and her two children should go to the wedding even though they were not invited. If she doesn’t go, she wants to tell her husband that he should not go either. Marize is afraid he’ll sleep with his ex-wife; since at the beginning of their marriage, before she had their daughter, he had a brief affair with that ex-wife and the possibility that he’ll do it again is driving her insane.
My answer:
The wedding: You and your children were not invited to the wedding and it is rude to show up anywhere without a proper invitation, especially to a wedding. So, you and your children will not be going. You will have other plans on the day of your stepdaughter’s wedding. I don’t know what happened there, but I am not surprised that there is contention when one marries into a step family situation. Not every step child falls in love with their parent’s new spouse, especially when that spouse brings their own child/children to the marriage. Add a half-sibling to the mix and things can get worse. All of that can cause pain and a feeling of alienation to the previous child/children and one of the end results is what you are experiencing now: the bad feelings are still lingering years later.
Your husband: You don’t seem to choose well, but you chose him. Your first relationship didn’t work out and left you with a child. Then you choose this man who has a child, and in the beginning of your marriage he goes and has an affair with the ex-wife he just left. Next you have his baby after the affair; and now, years later, you want to attend a wedding that you were not invited in order to keep a watchful eye on him because you’re afraid he’ll have sex with his ex-wife in the broom closet while their daughter’s wedding is going on. Too many years have passed and since you stayed in this marriage, and thought it was a good idea to bring a baby in after the affair, I will assume that you must have patched things up with your husband. But if you think he’s going to betray you again with that woman, then you have no marriage. If you’re going to tell him that he can’t go alone because you’re afraid he’ll betray you, again, after all this time, you should not be married to him anymore. If you can’t trust the person you are with in a marriage, or committed relationship, then you have no business staying with that person. It’s not that complicated. It’s that simple. Stop torturing yourself and living in hell, voluntarily.
*Name changed to protect her identity
“Still Angry,” in Corte Madera, wrote me to say that about a year ago her husband had an emotional affair with a friend and they ended up having a one night stand. “Still Angry” didn’t think her husband and her were having a tough time in their marriage at the time when that happened. According to “Still Angry”, her husband did seem to be spending a lot of time at work, more than he needed to be. He acted normal. He was loving and nice towards her. They were even making love. She thinks he was seduced because the friend was always all over him. She’s confused because she thinks he doesn’t truly love her, even though he asked for her forgiveness and he’s trying what he can to make it up to her. She has tried to forgive him, but her emotions are still raw and she doesn’t seem to be able to get over it. She doesn’t want to characterize him as a bad guy, but it’s hard to forget what he did. She wants to know “how do I get over such a betrayal?”
“Still Angry,” you just learned that he can act two faced. It’s different when you have been a complaining, whining, un-sexy wife when he was hungry, so he decided to eat a meal elsewhere. There is a difference between that and a guy who can play games on both sides of the court. Seduced? I don’t think so. Unlike popular belief, men are not animals that can’t control their impulses. A man who loves his wife and is faithful cannot be seduced. Does he love you? I can’t answer that question; but I would say that what he did was a very unloving act.
I don’t know if you were being a bad wife and he was hungry or he just has a personality that can play on both sides of the court. In the latter case, I can truly understand why you would feel the way you feel because you can’t trust him. If there was no reason for his betrayal, (because- according to you – you were a terrific wife and as far as you knew, he was happy, never complained, was never forlorn and didn’t feel neglected) he’s just not a nice guy.
“I am all confused … “ How can you be confused? It’s either one or the other. He was either a hungry and neglected husband or he was a bad guy. Which is it? “I don’t want to characterize him as a bad guy because I love him…..” I understand that perfectly because there are some women who love a guy no matter what. Their guy can be in prison for murdering people, can beat them up, and can molest children …. and the women still want to be tied up to them. I am not surprised, “I love him no matter what he’s done,” is kind of sickening, but it is what it is.
“Still Angry” mentioned forgiveness. We cannot forgive if there is no real remorse, if there is no taking responsibility, or not doing whatever it takes to make it right. Now, according to “Still Angry”, he apologized. He bent backwards to make it right. And if that’s the truth, then to still be angry about it is out of the question. She’s simply being hostile and holding it over his head. It’s not fair, especially since she decided to stay. For your own peace of mind “Still Angry”, you have to let it go because you did accept his apologies.
The fact that you’re still angry is very telling. You have not accepted his apology; and until you do, you will keep these feelings of anger going because it gives you a sense of security, power and safety. Reminding him of his misdeeds is a huge power trip. But if you do accept his apologies and let the anger go, you will have to trust him again even though it’s much easier to hold on to the anger. Often people in your situation say “I’m trying to let go and it’s hard.” If you really want to let go, you just do it. You make the decision and follow through. It is that simple.
I understand, though, why you’re holding on to your anger. The last thing anyone of us wants is for our lives to be turned upside down. That’s why denial is so important. The, “but I love him,” becomes a refuge. You can’t let go of your anger because your instinct not to trust him is stronger than your desire to have everything be the way it used to be. How do you get over a betrayal? You may never get over it (I wouldn’t, so staying for me would not be an option) but if you decide to stay you will have to let this one go. In the end, you are going to have to make a decision of either staying or leaving. Hold this one over his head long enough, and let’s see how long he’ll stick around. Not everyone is fond of being beaten up constantly.
*Mark has been trying to get his entrepreneurial business off the ground for the past six years while his wife is the bread winner and spends a lot of time at work. They have been together for 8 years; but three weeks ago he found out that his wife was having an affair with her boss. Even though he felt incredibly hurt by her betrayal, he decided not to leave and give the marriage another try. However, he is turned off by her sexually. Every time he looks at her when he wants to be with her, the image of her and her boss comes to his mind and he can’t be turned on. He wants to know why she did this to him and what to do to get passed that.
Mark, I don’t know your wife and I can only speculate why she did it. One thing that I did learn when I used to be in the health industry was that infidelity happens more frequently when the woman makes more money or when the woman is the bread winner. Sometimes after the veil of love is removed and real life intrudes, it’s tougher for the woman to see her man as a “MAN” because she is the boss. She doesn’t see her man in a good light. She doesn’t see him as the stronger one; the hunter; the protector. But to know that for sure, you have to not be afraid and have a conversation with her. You need to face whatever the answer is.
According to your email, you decided to stay. I am sorry Mark, but I don’t have a brilliant answer for you. The fact that you’re feeling crappy and can’t forget what happened is perfectly normal. You’re a human being, what you’re feeling is a normal and natural response, however, since you decided to stay, you’ll just have to endure those feelings until you get past it. It’s going to take some time and as the time passes, you won’t feel as hurt but you will never forget it. Remember not to keep reminding her of her indiscretion. It’s not fair because, after all, you decided to stay. We all have choices in life and you made yours.
After you have a frank conversation with her, and you find out exactly why she cheated, it may be a little easier to get past the betrayal, or it may not. Perhaps you will make another choice about your marriage entirely. Good luck.
*Names have been changed.
