Do you want to avoid a divorce? Perhaps this will help you!

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

I often scout the internet for interesting relationships stories and I came up on this one while searching Facebook. Apparently he learned when is all but too late. It is worth a reading.

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

SOURCE

 

The results are in: people think she’s a nut job!

Remember the reader who was asking if he was a liar or overly sensitive? He would tell his wife something and she, in turn, would say he didn’t tell her. He asked for help and I asked the readers to weigh in. Read the original post in its entirety here: http://www.cristinarobinson.com/am-i-a-liar-or-simply-overly-sensitive/

I received the most responses through emails and twitters instead of Facebook. Here is the final result: 8% thought she may be having a medication that is making her forgetful but the other 92% thought she was a nut job and was “gaslighting” him.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity. The term “gaslighting” comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations in which a husband secretly dims the gas lights in the house and when his wife remarks on it, he claims that she is mistaken. This is done to convince the woman that she cannot trust her own judgment and so will not be believed if she tries to report other strange things that are genuinely occurring. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.

Now, my answer to him: you knew her well before getting married. You acknowledged that she used to behave this way when you were dating and you still thought she was good enough to be your bride. You say you still love her; and if you still do, I don’t think divorcing her is the right thing to do. Not every marriage needs to end up in divorce. Some marriages are destructive and dangerous; but in your case, that doesn’t apply. I think your wife has a very bad and annoying behavior; but if everything about her is good, then there is a way that you can cut her bad behavior by modifying yours. You have no control over her behavior. However, you do have control over yours.

This is what you are going to do: instead of taking notes privately, you are going to do it in her face but “gently.” Buy one of those square calendars with pictures in it and put it in a place where you both can look at it every day. When having a conversation that you deem important, tell her that because “your” memory seems to be faulty, you will make a little note of your conversation.  By placing the blame on yourself, you’ll ensure that she won’t become defensive about it. When you’re out having an important conversation, mention that you better make a note of it so you won’t forget about it. It will be annoying in the beginning for you; but once she slips and says, “You didn’t tell me that,” you can gently tell her, “I need to check the calendar and see my notes. You may be right.” Then once you show her that she was the wrong one, she will start behaving better because she will know that she can no longer use that excuse.

It will take a few times, but she will correct her behavior. I know this for sure because I, myself, have used this technique with a friend that I loved and adored but didn’t want to lose the friendship. I know of others who have done it very successfully as well. It’s tiring in the beginning, but you will see results after a few times. Once the person sees that he/she is going to be called out, they will change their behaviors. Otherwise, they are going to be considered the nutty ones, and people don’t like to look bad in front of others who are supposed to love them. Now, if that’s the only complaint you have about your wife, then you’re lucky. There are worse things to worry about. It’s all about your level of tolerance; but I still think this is not something to get a divorce over. Good luck with that.

When did you know it was over?

Surfing the Internet for stories on the heart front, I arrived at Reddit.com and read about its editor and founder Dante Lesnie, coming back from a business trip just last month, early in the morning (6:30am) and upon sitting on his couch (he didn’t want to make noise and wake his wife and the kids), he received an odd text message “thanks for staying over babe. I love sleeping next to you”. Since he had just arrived home, that led him to believe that he had missed his wife’s lover by just a few minutes. Ouch!!

his original post here

Apparently, after denying any affair, by telling him it was a girlfriend who spent the night, the wife finally confessed to cheating and told him, he missed the lover by 15 minutes. She has not only cheated on him but used the family finances to fund the swing lifestyle she wants and to take her lover to fancy places. Double Ouch!!

one of his latest posts

I feel pretty terrible for him. I think he’s not only feeling betrayed and angry but probably feeling very much helpless, with the prospect of losing his home (kiss that one goodbye) and being separated from his children. I hope he has not only a great divorce attorney but a shrewd one as well! He’ll need it.

 

Is this you?

This is one of the topics I have written in my book and it’s not only in marriage that this behavior happens but in new relationships as well. Many women I know, as soon as they start a new relationship, they disappear, they no longer get together with their girlfriends, they start doing what their guy of the moment wants and they don’t even notice that they are doing that. When their romantic relationship ends, then they come back to try to get the friendship they abandoned, started again. Some friends do get annoyed by this behavior.

Why Do Women Lose Themselves In Marriage?

Perhaps Eckhart Tolle said it best: “When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.”

And when it comes to losing touch with themselves, women seem to do that best, especially when it comes to relationships. (Although, true, Jesse James believes he lost himself while being married to “some Hollywood actress,” aka Sandra Bullock, but he appears to be a lone male voice.) That’s what I did; in one of my first Huffington Post blog posts I talked about how I had “given upparts of myself” in my marriage. But, why? It certainly was never asked or expected of me. No one told me to stop doing many of the things I enjoyed, but I did anyway.

Sadly, I’m not alone. There are literally dozens

continue reading more ………  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-do-women-lose-themsel_b_1402680.html?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl23|sec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D150419

What a con! Do you agree?

I always say, a man’s character doesn’t change and this is the perfect example. I wish some women would pay a more close attention to their men’s behaviors before they commit their life to them.

I hope his third wife is paying attention or at least know that her life with him has an expiration date, when he’ll no longer have a need for her. The third wife, a devout Catholic (what a laugh) was his mistress for six years before he married her, after divorcing his second wife when she was just diagnosed with MS and before that, divorcing the first wife while she was getting treatment for cancer, while going out with the second wife. Now he wants what he wants and he brushes it off by saying he had to go to God and seek forgiviness. Really? How convenient. He did wrong to his two ex wives but the coward that he is, he has never asked their forgiviness. While having an affair himself, he placed himself on his soap box and accused Bill Clinton of lacking moral fiber. What a con. What is your take?

Watch the complete interview with his ex-wife by clicking on the link below. Link courtesy of abcnews/nightline.

http://abcnews.go.com/watch/nightline/SH5584743/VD55164650/nightline-119-gingrich-ex-newt-wanted-open-marriage

Divorce? Financial advice.

I have received countless emails with questions about divorce but some of the questions are pertinent to finances. Well, I’m not qualified to give an expert financial opinion and I think, if you’re planning to divorce, you will need someone who will fight for you to make sure the process is fair to both parties, where the finances are concerned. While researching the net, I came upon this Suze Orman video that I think it begins to answer some of those questions, this way I don’t have to give one answer to each and every person. I know divorce is not a pleasant subject to tackle to some people but it is a common thread of today’s society. So, here it is the link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/09/suze-orman-financial-advi_n_1190863.html

 

My personal take on divorce!

A little while back, I wrote a post entitled “People’s True Character Reveals Itself Under Pressure”. I received private emails and comments on the post above but I was asked not to make them public. I respect that because people identified themselves and asked for privacy and I do respect that. What I don’t respect is people being cowards and posting anonymous comments, hiding behind their anonymity in order to make a statement.

I don’t respond to anonymous comments, I have in the past but I make a point of no longer doing it. What is the point? If the person is hiding behind anonymity, he/she doesn’t want to be taken seriously but this anonymous post did me a favor by calling my attention to the question of divorce and I think I should clarify my point of view. He or she wrote:

Are you a marriage advisor or do you get a bounty for each divorce you helped make happen?

I’m assuming Anonymous is referring to the post above and that’s where he/she made the comment more than twenty days after I originally posted it. I would be irresponsible to tell a man or a woman to stay in a marriage or in any relationship if the other person is violent or can’t hold their temper. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that, why would I tell others to stay?

I don’t believe in divorce unless there is:

Abuse – physical violence or constant psychological put downs
Affairs – a spouse who constantly steps outside the marriage bed
Addictions – abuse of prescription drugs, illegal drugs, gambling, pornography, etc.
Alienation of Affection – making love is part of the marriage vows and when one of the parties breaches it for good, what the other spouse is supposed to do? Become a monk? Join a nunnery?

Also, when there are children involved I believe both parties need to put their differences aside for the best interest of the children they created. I don’t care if they are not happy; to me, their happiness is not the most important thing when they created other human beings who didn’t ask to be here. Hunker down and do what’s right. Once the kids are up and out, then we can do whatever we want with our lives but until then, we have a greater responsibility to our children than our happiness.

When we stay and try to make it a happy home and a stable environment for our children to grow and thrive, it also ensures that we have a greater influence on our children’s lives. It’s better than divorcing. Once we divorce, we only have 50% influence, the other half when they will be with the other parent, we’ll be pulling our hair out, frustrated because the other parent may not give a damn and will let the kids do what they want. One may argue that “oh, we get along fine and the children will be fine”. Well, if you get along so fine, then there is no need for divorce, is it? But if any of the four A’s above apply to their situation, with children or no children, it’s over.

One last point on divorce: sometimes people make a mistake, we’re only humans and not perfect. I am big in repairing mistakes. If you made a mistake, repair it.

I know I am going to take a beating for what I am saying here. I am going to receive all kinds of emails, telling me how their situation is different blah-blah-blah. That’s nice, but these are my views and not everybody will agree with them, which is fine. I don’t debate people on this, I respect the way they think, but it’s my OPINION and they are entitled to have theirs.

When I express my opinions, I don’t expect people to take them as gospel or truths, they are MY opinions, that’s all what it is and I don’t care if people don’t like them either, I don’t live my life to win any popularity contest. People who have nothing to say and constant bob their head acquiescing to anything people say because they don’t want to be perceived as not “nice”, are boring to me, I don’t learn anything from them. An elephant has more personality than they do.

The point I am making is that I am not afraid to express my views even if people don’t agree with them at least I don’t stand behind anonymity when I want to say something, if I make a statement, I stand behind it. It may not be popular but at least I have the courage to stand by my convictions.

Now, let the beating begin 🙂