People’s personality don’t change once you marry them

November 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Lauren, in Hayes Valley, has been married for 9 years. When she first met her husband, they dated for a short period of time and then she got pregnant. They married; and after all these years, and three children, she says that his personality has changed and that has built up so much resentment to a point where she can’t stand him. She’s no longer feeling attracted to him since he put on some weight and that turns her off. Everything he does irritates her. When she talks to her girlfriends, they tell her that she should just get a divorce and  don’t “give” it to him, whether he liked it or not, since her husband still finds her very attractive otherwise just suck it up.

Answer: Lauren is very negative about her husband. One would think that she never loved him. Is that why she couldn’t wait to marry him? Was it so bad that throughout her marriage she managed to make three babies with this husband that she’s so negative about? Hmmm….. and now she says his personality has changed, too.

I hate to break it to you, Lauren, but people’s personalities don’t change once they wear “the dress” or the “cummerbund,” unless they have a brain injury, drugs, alcohol, or some kind of brain disease. People’s personalities just don’t change like that. I think it’s fair to say that you married someone a little too quickly and didn’t know him well; but it’s not fair to say that his personality changed.

If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that you probably have your sights on someone else or you are finding people outside your marriage pretty darn attractive. When things are not so hot at home, we tend to gravitate towards interests that look much more attractive than the slob we have at home. Also, your girlfriends’ attitudes suck. Instead of telling you that feeling the way you are is pretty normal and to focus on the big prize, they’re busy telling you how you have to not put up or suck it up.  You have adopted their negativity towards marriage by putting up with, pretending, and longing for what you don’t think you have and suffering about it.

The reality is that if you think you are the wonderful woman and the greatest partner that your husband thinks about, well, think again. It happens throughout any marriage: ups and downs. Sometimes life gets harder. Sometimes we get a little bored. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated with everything in general. We may even get resentful about things that have nothing to do with our partner, but we put it all on our partner because it’s easier. Then we think if only our partner were different, then we would be happy. Then we blame the other person’s personality, too. Not fair.

Instead of blaming your husband’s personality, make a mission to have a good marriage. Start thinking about the positive things that attracted you to him in the first place. Speak up about him to others in positive terms and do things as if you’re still in love with him. Find some older people who have good marriages and ask the women how they made their marriage work. You will be surprised to find out that every man and woman who has been married, or in a long-term relationship, have been through what you’re experiencing.

The way you’ll make it from one point to another is if you start behaving as though you love him with your next breath.  Bring back some of that same enthusiasm you felt when you first met him and you couldn’t think of being without him.  It may take a little while, but you will feel that way again because your actions will bring out your feelings. Good luck!

 

*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.

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Newly married wife doesn’t want to put out

October 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Jack, from Russian Hill, said that he dated his wife for one year before getting married and she used to be a great lover right before marriage. They have been married for about one and a half years now; but for the past 11 months sex has been rare and far in between. Every time he wants to get “close” to her, it turns into a begging session. When she finally concedes, she just lays there as if she’s doing him a favor. Jack wants to know what he can tell her that will help her go back to the way she used to be in bed and add a little more frequency than once a month. He said he loves her and doesn’t want to say anything that may hurt her feelings.

Answer: Jack “ma man”, since you don’t want to hurt her feelings, then, please don’t say anything and stay in your quasi-almost-non-existent, pseudo intimacy kind of marriage. Make sure not to complain about it either. Let HER continuing hurting YOUR feelings since you don’t want to hurt hers.

Now, if one day you decide to have the courage to face the problem in your marriage, then by all means, open your mouth and talk frankly with her and tell her that you didn’t marry her, or anybody, so you could live like that. Explain to her that having reasonable sex, wanting to make love to your spouse, is part of the marriage vows you two took; and any MAN or WOMAN who doesn’t fulfill that part is neglecting his/her part unless a health problem is present.

Spouses who sexually neglect their partners then come up with the “oh, you hurt my feelings” card when the other partner brings it up, are being manipulative and a bad spouse. When you talk to your wife about this and she brings this card up, do not allow yourself to be manipulated like that. Face it and talk about the situation until you bring a resolution to it.

If your situation doesn’t improve, then you have a decision to make. You didn’t mention kids, so I’m going to assume there are none and since you’re childless, the decision should not be that hard. One thing though, if your love for her is greater than your need to have sex, then welcome to monk-hood, because that’s where you’ll be heading. If the sex is almost non-existent now, I’ll give you one to two years before it stops altogether; but at least you will not have hurt her feelings. Hope you got my sarcasm.

 

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When in a relationship, do you need to feel safe and secure where money is concerned?

December 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Sorry for the long absence. Was sick as a dog, but today I was able to get out of bed. Hopefully all of you got out of Thanksgiving still talking to your families ….. just a little humor here.  I decided to answer the email below before anyone else. It came in last night and she needed an answer ASAP. After a few exchanged emails, here is your answer Laura.

*Laura, in Los Gatos, said that she has the perfect marriage. She and her husband have had a very loving and peaceful relationship with virtually no arguments, except when they have to talk about finances. Every time they discuss finances, there is a huge amount of stress involved because she feels insecure. She gets upset because he’s not taking her feelings into consideration, and he gets upset because he thinks she’s too emotional. When she gets emotional, the way she expresses herself is by arguing.  She stated that her husband is not irresponsible with money, he’s not a slacker and he pays their bills on time; but every time he wants to make an investment, they get into an argument because Laura “feels” that what he’s trying to do is not going to work for their finances. He should respect her and not disregard her opinion. They had another big argument last night and she didn’t know how to proceed.

Laura, I think your response to him is about feelings and not a factual argument. Your opinions are not based on anything but emotions. When you two are discussing finances, if you don’t understand it, you should tell him to let you research it a little more and then you can discuss it further. In this way, you will know what you are talking about. Put yourself in his shoes. It’s very frustrating when a man wants to do this and that, because of this and that, only then to have his woman say, “I don’t feel like we should,” without any concrete reason. It’s annoying.

Call him up and apologize. If you have an opinion on how the investment should be done, it needs to be based on something concrete; or, if you don’t understand, don’t be embarrassed to ask him a lot of questions. Ask him to explain to you what the positives are, what the negatives are and what the risks are. Afterwards, if you don’t agree with him, you have to come back with something concrete besides just, “I don’t feel like it.”

He seems to be the analytical type; and when you talk about concrete things, you have to be analytical. Don’t try to rule by your feelings. That’s not fair game. One of the reasons you married him was because you liked that he was smart and analyzed things. That gave you a sense of security.  Don’t try to undermine him with emotions that are not based on anything.

You can be emotional and not be embarrassed to express your feelings. It’s ok to feel insecure; but tell him in a way that he can understand. Tell him, “I’m scared that we’ll be in the corner selling plastic key chains” or “If this fails, what will we do?” or “Explain this concept that won’t make us penniless“ or “Can you explain everything to me so I can feel secure?”.  I’m exaggerating a bit but you get it. Call him now and apologize. Make it better.

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