Bring back JUDGE! SHAME! and SHUN!

Since Woody Allen’s daughter Dylan has written an open letter to The New York Times confirming that he did assault her at age 7, I thought it would be appropriate to rerun this column I wrote back in 2012. That’s how evil continues to be perpetrated, because people don’t stand up for what’s right. In order to understand what I’m trying to say, it’s helpful if this blog post is read in its entirety and not just in parts.


Bring back JUDGE! SHAME! and SHUN!

That’s correct, you read it right. I said it!! Last week, an acquaintance called to ask if I would be willing to meet at the last minute with five of her friends to give them a lecture about dating relationships. I agreed and we met at one of her friends’ apartments in Emeryville.

I worked for three hours, and at the end we all decided to go to the theatre and watch a movie. On the way there, they changed their minds and decided that they wanted to watch a different film than what we had originally agreed on: Woody Allen’s To Rome, With Love. I didn’t want to pay to see a film made by a child molester no matter how good it was supposed to be. I told them I would pass and told them the reason why I would opt out of this one. That’s when things turned ugly. Three of them immediately jumped on me and told me to stop being so judgmental—who was I to judge? They told me not to be a hater and learn to love everybody.

Who was I to judge? Love everybody? If I didn’t know better, I would think these women were on crack. I’m not a hater. I’m quite sweet to the people I love and like; but this guy is a pedophile who betrayed his woman and the mother of his children in the most despicable way. Mia Farrow discovered Woody’s affair with her daughter when she found nude pictures taken by him, of her then teenage daughter, with whom he had a paternal relationship. Shame on him!  His excuse to prey on a teenage girl 35 years younger than him was, “the heart wants what it wants”. What a scumbag. I will not pay to watch his films EVER, I wouldn’t give him the sweat off my balls, if I had any. I have a daughter, and it simply enrages me to think that someone could have done that to her when she was a teenager.

When people excuse this behavior, it makes them just as culpable, because they are too spineless to say anything about it under the guise of “being nice.” They are not “being nice,” they are being weak for not standing up for what’s right.

In my view, this is what’s wrong with the American society today. People don’t use their brains. Instead, they use this “you have to love everybody,” “who are you to judge” horse manure. We make judgments everyday on whom we become friends with, which would be the better job for us, what kind of men we date, what risks to take or not to take, etc. When society behaves in an “everything-goes-don’t judge” or “let-everybody-do-their-own-thing” even if it’s evil, it crumbles. If we don’t make judgments, that’s when the young, the weak, and the vulnerable suffer; I believe all of us as a society have an obligation to protect each other; and by not using our judgment, we are failing each other miserably.

Let me be clear about one thing though: I am not talking about judging someone based on a lifestyle choice that hurts no one else. I’m not talking about judging someone who is gay, bisexual, or transgender. They don’t judge me because I’m straight, so why would I judge them because they’re not? I’m not talking about people who sleep around. I’m not talking about a prostitute or escort who sell his or her goods to any John or Jane who’s willing to buy. It’s their bodies; and as far as I’m concerned, they should be able to use it, offer it, sell it, enjoy it, and basically do whatever they want with it. That’s nobody’s business but their own. I’m not talking about people’s personal decisions about their lives, that’s between them and their God, if they have one.

I believe in judging, shaming, and shunning deserving people who do society wrong; people who take advantage of the weak and vulnerable. Especially kids. Am I not supposed to judge my former friend who was dating a man with two children and a pregnant wife? We all knew she was wasting her time with a married man (but that was her time and her problem); but the epitome of cruelty was when she told me that after having an affair with this man for one year, she decided that she was in love with him and was going to let the wife know in order to force his hand and make him leave his wife. I asked her not to do that because it would destroy the wife and his children’s lives. My former friend called me later from Kentucky to tell me that after she told the wife about her husband’s affair, her lover’s wife had given birth prematurely that same evening; and later on, upon returning home and leaving the baby in the hospital, she killed herself. She said she was sorry.


I shamed her and I shunned her. I don’t want to be friends with someone who caused the misery of another human being. And I told her that, too. She said I lacked compassion. That’s right. I lacked compassion for HER. My compassion lied with the children who were left motherless and not with this woman who, for selfish reasons, did what she did because she wanted a man who was not even worth having.

Now, are we not supposed to JUDGE Roman Polanski, who drugged and gave alcohol to a 13-year-old CHILD so he could rape and sodomize her? A vulnerable child! Some Hollywood types said “it was in the past,” “he’s a brilliant director”. SHAME on these people who didn’t judge him and conveniently forgot that he hurt a child just because “he is a brilliant director” and that is supposed to trump being a decent human being? Not in my eyes. He wasn’t even man enough to stay and face the consequences. He fled like the rat that he is. I wonder how would he react if the same thing happened to the young daughter he has now.

Are we not supposed to JUDGE the Texan mother who left her 6-week-old baby in the car to fry his brains out? She was on her way out of the house and was supposed to drop the baby off at the day care center. A business call distracted her and she drove straight to work, got her briefcase out of the car and her BLACKBERRY, but didn’t realize the baby was still strapped to the car seat. Really? That’s how important her human baby was to her. In one of the hottest day in Dallas, she left her baby there to fry his tiny little brain – painfully and slowly. When it hit the newspapers, some people were saying that she should not go to jail because she was suffering enough already and that we should not judge her, but have compassion. That word again: compassion. How? Please, someone, explain how she was suffering. Compassion? I think that baby whose little brain fried very slowly and painfully in the car suffered a whole lot more; and he, the victim, is the one deserving of compassion here. Compassion for her is totally misplaced. How do you forget a human being (that came out of your body) in the car? She should go to jail and pay for what she’s done.

If we are supposed to love everybody and not judge anybody when they do wrong, then there are no lines drawn for what’s wrong or right; therefore we can’t judge Hitler – who ordered the genocide of millions. We can’t judge Ted Bundy – a necrophile- who killed, tortured, and raped more than 30 women and girls. We can’t judge the Menendez brothers  – who both killed their parents in order to get to their money faster. Talk about having a sense of entitlement! Both brothers found killer groupies with no judgment whatsoever; who thought it was a great idea to marry convicted murderers while they were in prison and would never get out. Lucky brides! At least they won’t have to worry about being asleep and be awaken with the barrel of a shot gun closer to their nose, like the fate their husbands’ parents suffered.

We can’t judge Jerry Sandusky either – a pedophile and convicted child rapist – who was protected by people who had a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. They didn’t want to judge him and thought it was a good idea to just “chat” about it with him. Their good idea hurt many children who will be adults, scarred for life. Lastly, let’s not judge Ricardo “Richard” Ramirez – the night stalker/serial killer, who terrorized, assaulted, beat, maimed, and robbed several people in California. Before his trial, a serial killer groupie, who has no judgment whatsoever, started writing dozens of letters to Ramirez; and in 1996 she happily married him in San Quentin prison. This groupie believed Ramirez is innocent of all the crimes he had been convicted of and has vowed that the day her husband is executed, she’ll commit suicide. Peachy!!

I have a daughter and I’m no longer a fan of Woody Allen. If I ever saw him, I would spit on his shoe. I would look at him with total and utter disgust. I also have a son, and if a Sandusky-type damaged my boy like Sandusky did to those young boys, I would have loved to be able to pull his fingernails off with pliers… one by one.

So, to all the bleeding hearts out there, who think nobody should be judged, please save it. Don’t tell me not to judge. I will. Not everybody is nice; and when I see that people have done evil, as a person who has a conscience, I will not be embarrassed or ashamed to judge, shame, and shun.

Do you want to avoid a divorce? Perhaps this will help you!

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

I often scout the internet for interesting relationships stories and I came up on this one while searching Facebook. Apparently he learned when is all but too late. It is worth a reading.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.



Husbands and secrets

Husband hidingEvelyn’s husband has been out of a job for eight months already. He holds the type of job in an industry where employees are required to have a complete physical check up (especially blood work) in order to be hired. Her husband has been hired three times, but continually loses the opportunities because he refuses to have his blood drawn. Evelyn is beside herself and doesn’t understand why he’s not stepping up to the plate. She asked him why he does not do it, and he says he doesn’t like getting blood drawn even though he did have a blood test done before they got married and for his previous job. She thinks he’s afraid. Meanwhile, finances are tight and they have one little boy and are expecting twins in three months. She’s asking what she can say to get him to go and do it. They need some income ASAP.


Hmm .. I wonder what he is hiding. Afraid? I don’t think so. And even if he is, so what? I am afraid, too, and somehow I manage to go to my doctor every year to get my blood draw because it’s important to my health. I think he may be hiding something that the blood test will show; but what it is, I haven’t a clue (which is beside the point). Evelyn, you need to look him in the eye and tell him that he needs to put his concerns aside and start getting concerned about finding a job that he has been trained to do. Whatever he’s hiding needs to be later on his list in order for him to take care of his family. It is his moral obligation to do so. You will need to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you expect him to rise to the occasion because a man is supposed to do everything he can to protect and provide for his family. Good luck.

Affairs …. sometimes we can’t undo what we’ve done!

Rights Reserved to Cleo Malaysia via Flickr*Claudia broke off a 3 year old affair with a married co-worker when her husband of 25 years found out. Even though her husband was a hard worker and is sweet, kind, and generous, she said she had an affair because he worked long hours. Even when he was at home, he didn’t make time for her. He would still work more hours. On the weekends it was the same routine: more work. Claudia was lonely and sad.

It has now been 6 months since she broke off the affair; but she still has feelings for the married co-worker, who has since then reconciled with his wife. Claudia, on the other hand, made a conscious decision to stay in her marriage; and for the past two months, at her husband’s request, she has been attending counseling sessions with heim in an effort to put their marriage back together.  Her husband decided that he wouldn’t work as much; he’d change his habits and do whatever needed to be done. Claudia feels too much time has passed and doesn’t believe she can get the feelings back. She wants to know how to break the news to her husband that she still has feelings for the other guy and no longer wants to stay in the marriage.


Basically, Claudia, you are only in counseling because he asked and not because you truly want to be. You are simply going through the motions in order to say that you tried but in reality you want to unload him. I think you should not throw away a 25 year marriage just because you’re no longer  “feeling it.” I think before you blast him off, you could give it another go. Then, if you would like to save your marriage, you are going to have to ignore your feelings for your stallion (remember that he has moved on) and behave towards your husband like you still love him. Usually feelings follow behaviors. If you act lovingly, sweetly, and kindly towards him and treat him as if you’re in love just like when you first met him, the loving feelings will follow. However, if you still decide that you don’t want to be with him, then be kind to him. In one of your counseling sessions, with the help of the therapist, tell him you want to terminate your marriage.

Make sure that’s what you want and that you won’t feel regret later. If you follow my blog, you probably read about a few ladies ladies in the same situation as yours and they decided that they no longer wanted to be married. Well, after their divorces, they found out that life alone in singleton wasn’t what it was cracked up to be and were trying to win their nice husbands back. Unfortunately, their husbands had already moved on to someone else and didn’t want anything to do with them. Think carefully, like their situation, your husband is a nice guy and he still wants you even though you breached his trust. Sometimes we can’t undo what we have already done.

*names has been changed for privacy reasons




The results are in: people think she’s a nut job!

Remember the reader who was asking if he was a liar or overly sensitive? He would tell his wife something and she, in turn, would say he didn’t tell her. He asked for help and I asked the readers to weigh in. Read the original post in its entirety here:

I received the most responses through emails and twitters instead of Facebook. Here is the final result: 8% thought she may be having a medication that is making her forgetful but the other 92% thought she was a nut job and was “gaslighting” him.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity. The term “gaslighting” comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations in which a husband secretly dims the gas lights in the house and when his wife remarks on it, he claims that she is mistaken. This is done to convince the woman that she cannot trust her own judgment and so will not be believed if she tries to report other strange things that are genuinely occurring. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.

Now, my answer to him: you knew her well before getting married. You acknowledged that she used to behave this way when you were dating and you still thought she was good enough to be your bride. You say you still love her; and if you still do, I don’t think divorcing her is the right thing to do. Not every marriage needs to end up in divorce. Some marriages are destructive and dangerous; but in your case, that doesn’t apply. I think your wife has a very bad and annoying behavior; but if everything about her is good, then there is a way that you can cut her bad behavior by modifying yours. You have no control over her behavior. However, you do have control over yours.

This is what you are going to do: instead of taking notes privately, you are going to do it in her face but “gently.” Buy one of those square calendars with pictures in it and put it in a place where you both can look at it every day. When having a conversation that you deem important, tell her that because “your” memory seems to be faulty, you will make a little note of your conversation.  By placing the blame on yourself, you’ll ensure that she won’t become defensive about it. When you’re out having an important conversation, mention that you better make a note of it so you won’t forget about it. It will be annoying in the beginning for you; but once she slips and says, “You didn’t tell me that,” you can gently tell her, “I need to check the calendar and see my notes. You may be right.” Then once you show her that she was the wrong one, she will start behaving better because she will know that she can no longer use that excuse.

It will take a few times, but she will correct her behavior. I know this for sure because I, myself, have used this technique with a friend that I loved and adored but didn’t want to lose the friendship. I know of others who have done it very successfully as well. It’s tiring in the beginning, but you will see results after a few times. Once the person sees that he/she is going to be called out, they will change their behaviors. Otherwise, they are going to be considered the nutty ones, and people don’t like to look bad in front of others who are supposed to love them. Now, if that’s the only complaint you have about your wife, then you’re lucky. There are worse things to worry about. It’s all about your level of tolerance; but I still think this is not something to get a divorce over. Good luck with that.

Are we happier now?

The latest essay coming out on the Atlantic.

The Weaker Sex

How the new gender economics has more and more professional-class women looking at their mates and thinking: How long until I vote you off the island?


Today’s women have achieved a goal that social commentators have inveighed against for centuries: economic in­dependence. Railed The Times of London in 1868, in opposing property rights for married women: “The proposed change would totally destroy the existing relation between husband and wife.” An American letter-writer declared in 1903:

“The wife who has her own income is thereby rendered a poorer wife [and,] feeling independent of her natural protector, she becomes more critical, less lenient to his faults and failings.”     click here to continue reading

Staying at home mom? Why pursue an education?

*Sylvia, from San Francisco, graduated a few months ago from Stanford. Recently, she quit her job and has been staying home with her 16 month old daughter. She and her husband decided that she would stay home until the little girl turns three. Since staying home with her baby, the thought of having to leave her baby is making her “incredibly sad.” Now that her daughter is almost two years old, she was thinking of possibly having another child. They would be back to back, so she would be able to spend the most amount of time with her children. However, her husband is nervous because by having another child, she would be delayed from going back to the work force. She feels in her heart that she wants to raise her babies. If they scale down their lives, they would not have a need for more money; but every time she brings it up in a most loving way, her husband’s argument is always money. “Why did you go to school to get a degree if you’re not going to use it?” She said she’s feeling a lot of physical anxiety over this. She wants to know if wanting to stay home and raise her babies is being “unreasonable,” as her husband says.

I need to take a deep breath here and measure my words, when in reality I want to SHOUT, “Why do women marry guys like this?” I don’t understand that. The question I have is, why would a woman be with the kind of guy who is just counting the moments until his woman brings in more money; leaving the kids somewhat neglected?” What kind of a man does that, and what kind of a woman would crumble under that? *biting my tongue*

Sylvia, my way of looking at this is that you need to remind him that he’s not only a man but he is THE MAN; and he’s your man and your expectation is that he’s going to slay dragons to take care of his family. He’s not going to sit there and count the seconds until you can bring in more money so he can have more vacations or what have you. You have to have the strength to turn that boy into a man. Their fathers do the first part of taking boys and turning them into men. Then it’s the wife’s turn to do the second part by holding high expectations.

Why did you get your education? To be educated; to be able to vote properly; to be able to have conversations; to teach children … The critical thinking and reasoning skills (just to name a few) you learn in college will stay with you for a lifetime. There are a lot of reasons a person gets educated, it isn’t just to bring in money. If a woman is educated and she CHOOSES to go to work instead of being a mother full time, it’s her choice; but if she chooses to stay home and raise her babies, she should be able to, especially when she knows she can work around the money issue.

I have no idea what kind of woman raised him, but I do understand the kind of environment he’s around in San Francisco, and it’s not pretty. Many men in this town are used to getting a free ride from the women they go out with on their first date and even while the courtship is going on, they expect the woman to pay her half. Then when they see a woman with great potential to earn, their eyes grow bigger. I know. I have seen it with my own eyes. You need to INFORM him LOVINGLY that you will not be returning to work; that you will raise your own babies; that you will want to have influence over your babies. Do not crumble when he starts whining.

Understand that he has no sense of his own worth and value as a provider. You have to help him regain what men used to have; PRIDE in being the provider and the protector.