my very best, cristina
my very best, cristina
*Lauren, in Hayes Valley, has been married for 9 years. When she first met her husband, they dated for a short period of time and then she got pregnant. They married; and after all these years, and three children, she says that his personality has changed and that has built up so much resentment to a point where she can’t stand him. She’s no longer feeling attracted to him since he put on some weight and that turns her off. Everything he does irritates her. When she talks to her girlfriends, they tell her that she should just get a divorce and don’t “give” it to him, whether he liked it or not, since her husband still finds her very attractive otherwise just suck it up.
Answer: Lauren is very negative about her husband. One would think that she never loved him. Is that why she couldn’t wait to marry him? Was it so bad that throughout her marriage she managed to make three babies with this husband that she’s so negative about? Hmmm….. and now she says his personality has changed, too.
I hate to break it to you, Lauren, but people’s personalities don’t change once they wear “the dress” or the “cummerbund,” unless they have a brain injury, drugs, alcohol, or some kind of brain disease. People’s personalities just don’t change like that. I think it’s fair to say that you married someone a little too quickly and didn’t know him well; but it’s not fair to say that his personality changed.
If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that you probably have your sights on someone else or you are finding people outside your marriage pretty darn attractive. When things are not so hot at home, we tend to gravitate towards interests that look much more attractive than the slob we have at home. Also, your girlfriends’ attitudes suck. Instead of telling you that feeling the way you are is pretty normal and to focus on the big prize, they’re busy telling you how you have to not put up or suck it up. You have adopted their negativity towards marriage by putting up with, pretending, and longing for what you don’t think you have and suffering about it.
The reality is that if you think you are the wonderful woman and the greatest partner that your husband thinks about, well, think again. It happens throughout any marriage: ups and downs. Sometimes life gets harder. Sometimes we get a little bored. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated with everything in general. We may even get resentful about things that have nothing to do with our partner, but we put it all on our partner because it’s easier. Then we think if only our partner were different, then we would be happy. Then we blame the other person’s personality, too. Not fair.
Instead of blaming your husband’s personality, make a mission to have a good marriage. Start thinking about the positive things that attracted you to him in the first place. Speak up about him to others in positive terms and do things as if you’re still in love with him. Find some older people who have good marriages and ask the women how they made their marriage work. You will be surprised to find out that every man and woman who has been married, or in a long-term relationship, have been through what you’re experiencing.
The way you’ll make it from one point to another is if you start behaving as though you love him with your next breath. Bring back some of that same enthusiasm you felt when you first met him and you couldn’t think of being without him. It may take a little while, but you will feel that way again because your actions will bring out your feelings. Good luck!
*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.
I heard that when a man have a nice size, slightly plumper and a few inches longer than the average, it is pretty nice but when the equipment is too large, it doesn’t always fit and it can be painful. The problem comes when the gentleman who owns the large equipment thinks that just because it is large, all he has to do is show up. That’s lame. At the end of the day, my non-official survey says that “there are guys with cruise ships that can’t dock worth a crap, and then there are the little guys with kayaks that can take it upstream. Whatever the size, it’s gotta be attached to the RIGHT GUY to make any kind of difference to a woman” Willa O.
According to LiveScience Online Magazine:
Contrary to the reassuring catchphrase “size doesn’t matter,” penis size may matter in bed — but only for some women, and for certain types of orgasms.
A new study finds that women who have frequent vaginal orgasms are more likely than other women to say they climax more easily with men with larger penises. Women who tend to prefer penile-vaginal intercourse over other types of sex also say the same, researchers reported online Sept. 24 in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
*Jack, from Russian Hill, said that he dated his wife for one year before getting married and she used to be a great lover right before marriage. They have been married for about one and a half years now; but for the past 11 months sex has been rare and far in between. Every time he wants to get “close” to her, it turns into a begging session. When she finally concedes, she just lays there as if she’s doing him a favor. Jack wants to know what he can tell her that will help her go back to the way she used to be in bed and add a little more frequency than once a month. He said he loves her and doesn’t want to say anything that may hurt her feelings.
Answer: Jack “ma man”, since you don’t want to hurt her feelings, then, please don’t say anything and stay in your quasi-almost-non-existent, pseudo intimacy kind of marriage. Make sure not to complain about it either. Let HER continuing hurting YOUR feelings since you don’t want to hurt hers.
Now, if one day you decide to have the courage to face the problem in your marriage, then by all means, open your mouth and talk frankly with her and tell her that you didn’t marry her, or anybody, so you could live like that. Explain to her that having reasonable sex, wanting to make love to your spouse, is part of the marriage vows you two took; and any MAN or WOMAN who doesn’t fulfill that part is neglecting his/her part unless a health problem is present.
Spouses who sexually neglect their partners then come up with the “oh, you hurt my feelings” card when the other partner brings it up, are being manipulative and a bad spouse. When you talk to your wife about this and she brings this card up, do not allow yourself to be manipulated like that. Face it and talk about the situation until you bring a resolution to it.
If your situation doesn’t improve, then you have a decision to make. You didn’t mention kids, so I’m going to assume there are none and since you’re childless, the decision should not be that hard. One thing though, if your love for her is greater than your need to have sex, then welcome to monk-hood, because that’s where you’ll be heading. If the sex is almost non-existent now, I’ll give you one to two years before it stops altogether; but at least you will not have hurt her feelings. Hope you got my sarcasm.
Today I honor the country who embraced me and gave me opportunities that my own country didn’t give me. I take personal offense when people from other lands come to America, then for one reason or another go on the streets to protest and raise their own flag. To those people I say that they should think a little more carefully before coming here and start raising their own country’s flag. You don’t spit on the plate that feeds you and if America is such a horrible place that they cannot get what they want or feel they are being mistreated, please, find the near train or bus station, the nearest airport and get your ticket out of the country. Go back where you came from, if your country was so good that you proudly raises its flag here, then why did you leave?
I’m sure all the bleeding hearts here are going to start to say all kinds of “the borders should be open, or anybody should come here, blah, blah, blah…. “, well save it, don’t bother me with that because I don’t care for those comments, it’s not reality. I am here and I am grateful. I believe America is a big mother who has always opened its arms and given opportunities to those who could not find it in their own Motherland and because of that alone, everybody (including me) who come/came here – either because of work and never left, or because he/she was looking for a better life, should be respectful. Do I like the country I was born? Absolutely, but it has been America who gave me the opportunity to do what I wanted and for that I am eternally grateful.
Yes, I’m a Brazilian by birth but I am an American by choice and very proud of it! Happy Independence Day America and may you continue to thrive! Don’t forget to thank a Veteran or any men and women in uniform if you see one!
*Gina in Lake Tahoe is frustrated with her fiancé because their style of communication is very different. He’s a wonderful, caring man who is always doing little things for her; taking care of whatever is necessary to make her life easier. He brings her little gifts, sometimes flowers, to brighten her day, he often massages her feet but he doesn’t say “I love you” enough for her liking. She understands that all of his actions show that he loves her even if he doesn’t say the words. She also would like him to be a little more talkative, because to get him to hold a lengthy conversation is like pulling teeth. She wants to know, can a couple live successfully and happily married with different styles of communication? Can she overcome the need for him to be more communicative?
Communication between a man and a woman is different- we can’t shut up and they can’t start up. All kidding aside, of course a couple like that can live happily together. Gina, you don’t have to overcome this need to change him; but if he’s as wonderful as you say he is, instead of overcoming it, you are going to simply accept it because that’s his personality and you have yours.
You are going to accept who he is and you will have a successful marriage, but the successful marriage will happen only if you don’t turn into a wench. Don’t say, “Of course I will accept him the way he is,” then marry him and start complaining, nagging, and criticizing that he doesn’t talk. Accepting means you will stop fighting and you will appreciate him for who he is. You said he will clean the snow off your car, will make sure the tires are in good condition and the gas tank is full. All to make sure you will have no trouble while driving in the snow. If you can’t accept that as “I love you,” you should not marry him because you are going to torture him with “oh, you don’t say you love me enough times in the day” or “why can’t you talk a little more?” and that’s not fair. You know how he is before marrying. Look at it as buying a dress “as is” and once bought, you can’t return it or make a complain to the shop because you bought it “as is”.
If you do decide to accept it, try to increase your chances of communicating better. For example, if there is a time when you want to know something specific, ask him a direct question and he will give you a direct and specific answer, “Marshall dear, can we visit my family again this weekend?” Don’t talk around or hope he’ll bring it up. Ask the question and return the favor by giving him an honest answer when he asks you something like, “Honey, what do you want for Valentines?” If you say, “Nothing,” and then he brings you nothing, don’t complain. It’s not that difficult to communicate with men in general, especially when they love us but we have to accept the differences. He sounds like a great guy and I know a few women who would love to have a man doing all these sweet things for them, especially massaging their feet. I hope you learn to appreciate the man you have instead of yearning for something that he’s not. Good luck!
*Meredith wrote me to tell me that she had been crying for days. The reason: while organizing her boyfriend’s house, she came upon a box in his closet. She opened it to find some CD/DVDs with the name of his ex-flame written on. Meredith popped the CD/DVD in the computer and voila! She was shocked to see her boyfriend in all his glory, having a great time with his old flame in what she describes as a soft porn movie. She was inconsolable (her words, not mine) and had begged him to get rid of the offending CD/DVD and he refused to. She’s angry and would like to know what she can tell him in order for him to see reason and see that he’s hurting her by keeping that “thing” around.
Yeah…. Meredith is so hurt and angry that she’s still around. This is the deal: if you “discovered” some indiscreet DVD of your boyfriend playing porn star with his former flame, keep your lips zipped. That’s in his past. He’s with you now. Get over it. And besides, you’re not his wife-to-be, you’re just his girlfriend and, as you know, girlfriends come and go. Throw the thing out? Who do you think you are to ask a boyfriend to throw anything out? That’s his business and his DVD. You may be broken up tomorrow and his DVD would be gone forever. That’s his to do what he wants with; and I can assure you if you become his wife, a man who loves his woman will not keep that stuff hanging around anyway because he’ll no longer need it. He’ll have you to make new memories with and a new DVD if he wants to. If he doesn’t dispose of it after he asks you to marry him, then you have a decision to make: should you stay or should you go.
Next time, when you’re organizing his closet and see a box with a lid on, don’t open it. And if it is open, don’t look to see what’s inside. That’s a breach of his privacy; and if you keep your curiosity in check, you will have no reason to be hurt.
And, Meredith, upon discovering this, you haven’t been given any incentive to leave? Since you’re still hanging around him, you lost all whining rights. You decided to stay woman. So, now zip it or leave it.
Doing some research on the Internet, I came upon this article and I thought it was well written. It resonates with what I have been writing all this time. I believe this article doesn’t apply only to married couples but to anyone who is in a loving, long and committed relationship. Dr. Mark Goulston was very gracious in allowing me to re-use it.
10 Habits of Happy Couple!
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.
1. Go to bed at the same time Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.
2. Cultivate common interests After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a “weather” check during the day Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit…and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.
All Rights Reserved to Dr. Mark Goulston
Wishing you a beautiful day, filled with joy and laughter, around the people you love. May you never lose hope, may your Faith make all things possible and the love that surrounds you, make everything beautiful.
Sending you the warmest wishes to you and yours!
Love and Light, Cristina