Married for 60 years, together until the very end!

Video - 1Back when men were chivalrous, he fell in love with her and told her parents he would love to take care of her for the rest of his life and that’s what he did. Bring on the water works. What a beautiful and touching story.


Husband having an affair with the neighbor. Forgivable?

“Heartbroken” in Noe Valley said that she hasn’t had intercourse with her husband for the past six months since she found out that he had a hot and heavy affair with their neighbor. “Heartbroken” only found out because her husband left for the hardware store and forgot his cell phone on the table. She picked it up and started looking at the pictures of their kids on his cell when she came upon a video. It was a video of her husband and the neighbor having all kinds of (what she deemed) abusive, degrading, and demeaning sex.

What really made her sad was that while he was having an affair with their neighbor, she was begging him to make love to her but he would avoid her and she didn’t understand why. She wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of their 2 children and raise them together, but he will not have it unless she has sex with him again. She tried, but it’s killing her and she is the one avoiding him now. She can’t stand the thought of him touching her and can’t be loving towards him either. Even after they both attended counseling sessions, the images won’t leave her head; so she no longer feels the love she once felt for him. She wants to know what she can tell him that will make him understand that she doesn’t want anything intimate with him but does want to raise their kids together? “Heartbroken” is in a tough spot because she can’t talk to her family about this.

Answer: I don’t have the answer you are looking for. We can’t change people’s behavior. We can only change our own and he doesn’t want to stay with you without sex. In my view it’s over and you need to go take care of business. You will never be able to forget what he did or the images you saw. For him to have had sex outside his marriage was a huge betrayal; but to record it so he would be able to carry it around and look at it many times over, to me, is way out of line. Some things are unforgivable and that’s why they should not be done. This is not a decent man, and some things just can’t be repaired. He also lacks character and counseling sessions can’t fix bad character.

Since you really want to keep your family together, you should face him and say that you are willing to have him in the house as you will be working together to raise your children. You two have a moral obligation to your children, but you will NOT have him as your man because you no longer see him as such. He not only broke his vows, but also broke your trust. If he insists that he will not stay without the sex, then you know it’s truly over. Get a lawyer immediately and try to get the house, the kids and spousal/child support then send him on his way with his toothbrush. I wish you well.



10 habits of happy couple!

Doing some research on the Internet, I came upon this article and I thought it was well written. It resonates with what I have been writing all this time. I believe this article doesn’t apply only to married couples but to anyone who is in a loving, long and committed relationship. Dr. Mark Goulston was very gracious in allowing me to re-use it.

10 Habits of Happy Couple!

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve  your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time Remember the beginning of your  relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love?  Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to  bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while  their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests After the passion settles down, it’s  common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the  importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common  interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure  to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your  mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side Rather than one partner  lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in  hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner  than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode If and when they  have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples  default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does  wrong If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find  something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find  something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples  accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work Our skin  has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch”  (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the  “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning This is a  great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day  to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel This  tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you  still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner  have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day Call your partner at home or  at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust  expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For  instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to  expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner Happy couples are pleased  to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand  on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off  but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a  discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to  maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a  habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and  voila, it will become a habit…and make you happier as a couple. And if you  fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their  forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

All Rights Reserved to Dr. Mark Goulston

We should all strive to find a compassionate and kind life partner!

Newlywed in SoMa, got married three months ago but for the past four weeks her new husband stopped being “romantic” with her and when she asked for “romance”, his answers was always the same – “working hard and very tired”.  Two days ago, after a heated argument she pressed him to answer why he didn’t feel like making love to her anymore and he finally told her the truth – he said he was no longer attracted to her because she had cut her hair. To him her haircut was too short, ugly and the short hair made her unattractive to him. He went further and told her he could not even get aroused by her.

“Gasp”. Really? He cannot get aroused because of your haircut? I don’t even know what to say. The only thing that comes to my mind is one of my girlfriends who had cancer. When she was losing some of her hair, as she took her showers, her fiancée would get into the shower and wash whatever hair she had left. I remember once, while visiting her at her house, she was seating in a chair, while her fiancée would gently comb her almost non-existent hair; stroking it, telling ME, how beautiful she was and in spite of the ravages the chemicals were doing to her body and hair, she was still the most beautiful woman he ever saw. He was kind, attentive, sweet, compassionate and very loving. At that moment I silently prayed to be so lucky and find a man like that. That’s the vision that kept coming to my head as I was reading your lengthy email – of that sweet man kissing my friend’s head while combing whatever hair she had left in her head.

I am sorry Newlywed but apparently you didn’t marry this kind of man and a man who’s going to tell you that he’s no longer turned on by you because of your hair do – cruelty aside – then he doesn’t love you, he is incapable of love. God forbid one day you should need someone that sacrificial, compassionate and loving; you will be in trouble because you didn’t marry that kind of man.

You should tell him my girlfriend’s story and I think you ought to think if you made a mistake marrying this guy. I wonder if anyone in your family or one of your friends ever warned you about him. Can you imagine if you fall sick someday? We don’t really look good when we are seriously ill and if he’s cruel, withholding affection because of a stupid haircut, can you imagine when you will be at your lowest and ill? If you are not pregnant, were I in your shoes, I would seriously consider repairing this mistake. A guy who says that and mean it, there is something wrong with this dude.