Tiny Love Stories – 2

March 21, 2013 By Leave a Comment
Tiny love stories on the site makesmethink.com. Hopefully it will warm your heart and make you smile!
  • I told my 18 year old grandson that nobody asked me to prom when I was in high school, so I didn’t attend. He showed up at my house this evening dressed in a tuxedo and took me as his date to his prom.
  • When she woke up from an eleven month coma, she kissed me and said, “Thank you for being here, and telling me those beautiful stories, and never giving up on me… And yes, I will marry you.”
  • I was sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich for lunch when an elderly couple pulled their car up under a nearby oak tree. They rolled down the windows and turned up some jazz music on the radio. Then the man got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the door for the woman, took her hand and helped her out of her seat, guided her about ten feet away from the car, and they slow danced for the next half hour under the oak tree.
  • I operated on a little girl. She needed O- blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin brother has O- blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, “So when will I die?” He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they’ll both be fine.
  • My dad is the best dad I could ask for. He’s a loving husband to my mom (always making her laugh), he’s been to every one of my soccer games since I was 5 (I’m 17 now), and he provides for our family as a construction foreman. This morning when I was searching through my dad’s toolbox for a pliers, I found a dirty folded up paper at the bottom. It was an old journal entry in my dad’s handwriting dated exactly one month before the day I was born. It reads, “I am eighteen years old, an alcoholic who is failing out of college, a past cutter, and a child abuse victim with a criminal record of auto theft. And next month, ‘teen father’ will be added to the list. But I swear I will make things right for my little girl. I will be the dad I never had.” And I don’t know how he did it, but he did it.

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Latest study about the State of Dating in America

February 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Singles in America today are more progressive than ever when it comes to sex, living arrangements and gender roles, yet maintain traditional values when it comes to marriage and family, according to a new report jointly released by ChristianMingle.com and JDate.com. They announced the results on Jan 22, 2013 of an expansive study about the State of Dating in America, which surveyed more than 2,700 singles between the ages of 18 and 60 across the United States.

Some surprising findings showcasing a more liberal attitude amongst singles include:

  • 87% of singles think online dating is a great way to meet people
  • Both men and women agree it is safer to meet someone through online dating than in a bar
  • 85% of singles say sex before marriage is acceptable
  • 91% of single Jews and 84% of single Christians would live with their partner before marriage
  • 78% of single Christians and 60% of single Jews would consider marrying someone with kids
  • A majority of singles say it doesn’t matter whether the man or woman is the breadwinner

However, the State of Dating in America study also reveals high value and importance placed on more traditional ideals:

  • 78% of men believe the man should pay on the first date, and 55% of women agree
  • 62% of 18 to 24-year-olds would be disappointed if they never got married
  • Both men and women say their mothers have the biggest influence on whom they marry
  • Nearly three-quarters of singles are looking for a partner who shares their religious faith

“Single adults make up an increasing portion of the American population. With the State of Dating in America survey, we wanted to get to the root of their views on relationships, sex, marriage and more,” said Greg Liberman, President and CEO of Spark Networks, which owns and operates both ChristianMingle and JDate. “The results provide unique insights into the minds of today’s singles as they navigate the ever-evolving dating and relationships landscape.”

Gender and religious breakdowns of the findings reveal compelling differences as well:

  • All women (100%) believe passionately kissing another is considered unfaithful; 86% of men agree
  • 82% of women believe texting or online flirting is cheating; just 56% of men agree
  • Christian singles prefer to meet for dinner on a first date, while Jewish singles like a cup of coffee
  • When it comes to the most attractive trait in the opposite sex, single Jews slightly prefer intelligence while single Christians had a slightly higher preference for a sense of humor

“The State of Dating in America report puts a microscope on what today’s singles really think and feel when it comes to dating,” says Rachel Sussman, Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. “The results of the study are consistent with what I see day in and day out as I counsel singles and couples about the obstacles, issues and questions that arise while on the road to developing successful modern relationships.” Sussman has partnered with JDate and ChristianMingle to analyze the findings and provide her expert insights.

To view the full report of the State of Dating in America to see expert analysis of the results, please visit: www.stateofdatingreport.com

 

 

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The results are in: people think she’s a nut job!

December 10, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Remember the reader who was asking if he was a liar or overly sensitive? He would tell his wife something and she, in turn, would say he didn’t tell her. He asked for help and I asked the readers to weigh in. Read the original post in its entirety here: http://www.cristinarobinson.com/am-i-a-liar-or-simply-overly-sensitive/

I received the most responses through emails and twitters instead of Facebook. Here is the final result: 8% thought she may be having a medication that is making her forgetful but the other 92% thought she was a nut job and was “gaslighting” him.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, and sanity. The term “gaslighting” comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations in which a husband secretly dims the gas lights in the house and when his wife remarks on it, he claims that she is mistaken. This is done to convince the woman that she cannot trust her own judgment and so will not be believed if she tries to report other strange things that are genuinely occurring. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.

Now, my answer to him: you knew her well before getting married. You acknowledged that she used to behave this way when you were dating and you still thought she was good enough to be your bride. You say you still love her; and if you still do, I don’t think divorcing her is the right thing to do. Not every marriage needs to end up in divorce. Some marriages are destructive and dangerous; but in your case, that doesn’t apply. I think your wife has a very bad and annoying behavior; but if everything about her is good, then there is a way that you can cut her bad behavior by modifying yours. You have no control over her behavior. However, you do have control over yours.

This is what you are going to do: instead of taking notes privately, you are going to do it in her face but “gently.” Buy one of those square calendars with pictures in it and put it in a place where you both can look at it every day. When having a conversation that you deem important, tell her that because “your” memory seems to be faulty, you will make a little note of your conversation.  By placing the blame on yourself, you’ll ensure that she won’t become defensive about it. When you’re out having an important conversation, mention that you better make a note of it so you won’t forget about it. It will be annoying in the beginning for you; but once she slips and says, “You didn’t tell me that,” you can gently tell her, “I need to check the calendar and see my notes. You may be right.” Then once you show her that she was the wrong one, she will start behaving better because she will know that she can no longer use that excuse.

It will take a few times, but she will correct her behavior. I know this for sure because I, myself, have used this technique with a friend that I loved and adored but didn’t want to lose the friendship. I know of others who have done it very successfully as well. It’s tiring in the beginning, but you will see results after a few times. Once the person sees that he/she is going to be called out, they will change their behaviors. Otherwise, they are going to be considered the nutty ones, and people don’t like to look bad in front of others who are supposed to love them. Now, if that’s the only complaint you have about your wife, then you’re lucky. There are worse things to worry about. It’s all about your level of tolerance; but I still think this is not something to get a divorce over. Good luck with that.

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People’s personality don’t change once you marry them

November 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Lauren, in Hayes Valley, has been married for 9 years. When she first met her husband, they dated for a short period of time and then she got pregnant. They married; and after all these years, and three children, she says that his personality has changed and that has built up so much resentment to a point where she can’t stand him. She’s no longer feeling attracted to him since he put on some weight and that turns her off. Everything he does irritates her. When she talks to her girlfriends, they tell her that she should just get a divorce and  don’t “give” it to him, whether he liked it or not, since her husband still finds her very attractive otherwise just suck it up.

Answer: Lauren is very negative about her husband. One would think that she never loved him. Is that why she couldn’t wait to marry him? Was it so bad that throughout her marriage she managed to make three babies with this husband that she’s so negative about? Hmmm….. and now she says his personality has changed, too.

I hate to break it to you, Lauren, but people’s personalities don’t change once they wear “the dress” or the “cummerbund,” unless they have a brain injury, drugs, alcohol, or some kind of brain disease. People’s personalities just don’t change like that. I think it’s fair to say that you married someone a little too quickly and didn’t know him well; but it’s not fair to say that his personality changed.

If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that you probably have your sights on someone else or you are finding people outside your marriage pretty darn attractive. When things are not so hot at home, we tend to gravitate towards interests that look much more attractive than the slob we have at home. Also, your girlfriends’ attitudes suck. Instead of telling you that feeling the way you are is pretty normal and to focus on the big prize, they’re busy telling you how you have to not put up or suck it up.  You have adopted their negativity towards marriage by putting up with, pretending, and longing for what you don’t think you have and suffering about it.

The reality is that if you think you are the wonderful woman and the greatest partner that your husband thinks about, well, think again. It happens throughout any marriage: ups and downs. Sometimes life gets harder. Sometimes we get a little bored. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated with everything in general. We may even get resentful about things that have nothing to do with our partner, but we put it all on our partner because it’s easier. Then we think if only our partner were different, then we would be happy. Then we blame the other person’s personality, too. Not fair.

Instead of blaming your husband’s personality, make a mission to have a good marriage. Start thinking about the positive things that attracted you to him in the first place. Speak up about him to others in positive terms and do things as if you’re still in love with him. Find some older people who have good marriages and ask the women how they made their marriage work. You will be surprised to find out that every man and woman who has been married, or in a long-term relationship, have been through what you’re experiencing.

The way you’ll make it from one point to another is if you start behaving as though you love him with your next breath.  Bring back some of that same enthusiasm you felt when you first met him and you couldn’t think of being without him.  It may take a little while, but you will feel that way again because your actions will bring out your feelings. Good luck!

 

*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.

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When your man tells you something important before marriage, believe him

October 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Angela, from San Carlos, has been married for over 5 years to a man she met when she was in high school and then reconnected with 24 years later. After a whirlwind romance, and three months after the day they reconnected, they were married.

She has twin girls from a previous boyfriend, and just three months after she married the girls left for college. Things were great in the beginning of the relationship; but as soon as the twins left home her husband, who drank a bit before and during their marriage, started drinking a whole lot more. For the past 1-½ years his drinking has become progressively worse. When he’s drunk he can become abusive towards her; but when he’s around her family, he can hide his drunken ways very well. Otherwise all he does when he’s home is drink, and the weekends are worse.

She’s tired of his drunken ways. She gets upset when he drinks to a stupor or drinks so much that he forgets what he told her the night (or the day) before. She’s constantly upset and has tried to help him overcome his alcoholic ways by telling him to go get help, go to rehab, or do something about it. He refuses. She feels that he lied to her even though before the marriage he told her all the time that he had a drinking problem; but she didn’t believe him. She thought he was kidding. She feels duped, deceived, and lied to. She’s Christian and she’s struggling about leaving or not because she believes marriage is sacred.

Answer: I asked Angela if she had been serious when she wrote me that he told her several times that he was a drunk. Yes, she was serious. He did tell her several times that he had a drinking problem and that, yes, he was an alcoholic.

Angela cannot plead ignorance on this one because, after all, he did not lie to her. What some alcoholics do best besides drinking is to lie; but he didn’t. We cannot blame that one on him because had he not disclosed that he was a drunk, he would have entered fraudulently into this marriage contract and then Angela would have been unable to make an informed decision about marrying him not knowing that he was an alcoholic. Therefore, upon finding that he was a drunk, she could have rescinded the contract; but there was no lie. He told her the truth and she chose not to believe him.

Moving on now: you knew he was a drunk, Angela. You tried to help him. You told him to go to rehab and he didn’t want to do it. Also, I didn’t know you were supposed to take abuse just because you’re Christian. You can use this excuse of being a Christian to avoid making a hard decision if you wish but all I know is that we can all interpret the Bible 1000 ways from Sunday, and why are you going to stick around for more abuse is beyond my comprehension. I don’t have a direct ear to God; but if I did, I don’t think that’s what He would want. Isn’t HE supposed to be a “loving Father”?  Why would he want you to be abused? Makes no sense to me.

Since you already tried to help him, and you’re going nowhere fast or slow, I think you have done more than your part in trying to make a positive change. You can’t help someone who refuses help; besides, it’s his responsibility to get help, not yours.  I believe if you continue in this marriage, your twin girls will find out sooner or later and then you will lose their respect. You don’t want your girls to think that it’s ok to stay in an abusive situation or look down on you because you’re unwilling to make the right decision for your life and I don’t think, staying with a mean drunk, who’s abusive is the right situation to be in it.  How much more time are you going to waste in this bad marriage? I think you should admit that you made a mistake marrying this guy within three months of knowing him and call it a day. Stop the abuse. Next time, don’t marry someone you just dated for three months and when men tell you something this serious, please believe them.

 

*Name has been changed to protect the reader’s privacy

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Newly married wife doesn’t want to put out

October 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Jack, from Russian Hill, said that he dated his wife for one year before getting married and she used to be a great lover right before marriage. They have been married for about one and a half years now; but for the past 11 months sex has been rare and far in between. Every time he wants to get “close” to her, it turns into a begging session. When she finally concedes, she just lays there as if she’s doing him a favor. Jack wants to know what he can tell her that will help her go back to the way she used to be in bed and add a little more frequency than once a month. He said he loves her and doesn’t want to say anything that may hurt her feelings.

Answer: Jack “ma man”, since you don’t want to hurt her feelings, then, please don’t say anything and stay in your quasi-almost-non-existent, pseudo intimacy kind of marriage. Make sure not to complain about it either. Let HER continuing hurting YOUR feelings since you don’t want to hurt hers.

Now, if one day you decide to have the courage to face the problem in your marriage, then by all means, open your mouth and talk frankly with her and tell her that you didn’t marry her, or anybody, so you could live like that. Explain to her that having reasonable sex, wanting to make love to your spouse, is part of the marriage vows you two took; and any MAN or WOMAN who doesn’t fulfill that part is neglecting his/her part unless a health problem is present.

Spouses who sexually neglect their partners then come up with the “oh, you hurt my feelings” card when the other partner brings it up, are being manipulative and a bad spouse. When you talk to your wife about this and she brings this card up, do not allow yourself to be manipulated like that. Face it and talk about the situation until you bring a resolution to it.

If your situation doesn’t improve, then you have a decision to make. You didn’t mention kids, so I’m going to assume there are none and since you’re childless, the decision should not be that hard. One thing though, if your love for her is greater than your need to have sex, then welcome to monk-hood, because that’s where you’ll be heading. If the sex is almost non-existent now, I’ll give you one to two years before it stops altogether; but at least you will not have hurt her feelings. Hope you got my sarcasm.

 

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Neglecting your better half is not loving behavior

October 11, 2012 By 1 Comment

*”I Want Him Back” from Orinda is 48 years old and has been married for 24 years. When she was 26, her mother died and things unraveled. She admits that she hasn’t always been a good wife. While she was out having fun and going out with her friends, her husband was home taking care of their twin girls, the home, and going to work. He told her then that he loved her unconditionally. She had never cheated before but about 2 years ago, a co-worker started paying too much attention to her and when one thing led to another, they ended up having an affair. Later, her daughter discovered a text message the co-worker sent to Alice that gave away the affair and told her dad. Alice’s husband upon finding out was angry and hurt. Her twin daughters were angry as well.

“IWHB” asked for forgiveness and since then (about 11 months now), according to her, she has changed her behavior drastically. She has been a good wife and a good mother. Unfortunately, last Friday, her husband warned her that as soon as the girls graduated from college, he’d be moving out and filing for divorce. She has begged, pleaded, cried and asked him not to leave because she loves him. She has asked her daughters to ask their father not to leave but they have both refused. Alice is frustrated because she has changed for the better and neither her children nor her husband acknowledge her changes or give her any positive feedback. Now, she’s asking for fast help, because the twins will be graduating from college in the beginning of December. She wants to know what can she do to convince him that she is a changed woman.

Answer: This is what happens: when we are consistent with our behaviors (good or bad), we are showing people who we are. It becomes our identity.

After years of neglecting husband and children, I think it’s unreasonable to expect them to give you kudos after a few months of change. You will have to come to terms that he may never acknowledge those changes and that he may leave you. Sometimes, marriages are irreparably broken, especially after years of neglect.

You can’t hold it against your husband for not loving you unconditionally. When people say they love others unconditionally, it’s not true and people who do so are not psychologically healthy. For example, would you unconditionally love someone who abused or killed your children? Would you love your man if he beat the daylights out of you? Not unless you’re sick in the head. People are human beings, filled with emotions. People are not pets.

All I can say is, keep up the good behavior by improving yourself and perhaps by the time your girls are out of college he may change his mind. Or he may not, and if he doesn’t, you need to be ready to accept that. Unfortunately, not everything can be repaired and trying to convince or change someone is a futile exercise. You can’t change people; you can only change yourself to try to sway others your way.

If the situation with your husband doesn’t improve by your behavior change, then keep your concentration on being a good mother and salvaging the relationship with your daughters. I apologize for not being more helpful but perhaps one of the readers who may have been in similar situation may offer some advice that has worked for them. Good luck.

*Pseudonym chosen by reader

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Some women when in love, act like their brains are fried!!

October 8, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Last Friday afternoon my friend invited me out to tea with 4 of her women friends. Christie has an abusive boyfriend who constantly harps about her weight (she’s not fat), argues about everything and embarrasses her in front of her friends. Diane has a fiancé who has been rough with her a few times – shook her, slapped her and pulled her hair. Leena has 2 kids and her current alcoholic boyfriend is mean to her kids and her ….. ”but not all the time”.

I was almost choking on my pastry as I listened to these pathetic and desperate women talk about their loser boyfriends, telling us the ”but I love him” excuse. I wanted to shake them and slap them myself as I was asking them “what’s wrong with you women?”.  My friend who invited me to the tea, asked me to write a post about love not being enough. I have done it in the past but I will talk about it today again. I told the ladies in question that I was going to use their real names today. Perhaps reading this post with their real names attached to the post about why love is not enough, they will have a epiphany. I’m not holding my breath.

It is pretty sad that in this day and age, women are supposed to be smarter than before.  That was one of the intentions when someone had the brigh idea to start the feminist movement in 1848, so women could be more assertive, tell it like it is, be discerning besides have equal rights as men.

Then we have these women, who are supposed to be and act smart but start walking  into all sorts of horrendous situations/problems because they think, that because they are in love, or they love some jerk, all their problems will go away and everything will be fine just because they are in love. They ignore physical mistreatments, psychological abuse just because “they’re in love”.

“Oh, but I love him” …. “I’m going to follow my heart” … I have heard that so many times from smart women that it is pretty sickening when they repeat this mantra one too many times.  Just because  you are in loooove, is that supposed to be more important than your brains? ”Oh he pushes me, shoves me, pinches me … but it’s not all the time”. Is that supposed to be an excuse? If it is, is not that good. Any type of abuse is not OK. It is not acceptable.

Many times women take the “I love him” a little too far and do not want to see what’s wrong with their man.  “I love him” becomes more important than the grief from whatever situation they’re in and what is the fall out of their decision to stay with an abusive man, is going to impinge upon their lives and their future children’s.

Ladies, don’t let “I love him” become even more important than a bad situation.  You don’t want your family and friends looking into your future and wondering why you are volunteering to take this abuse for the rest of your life and don’t think like many women do “I was hoping this would change”. Hope is very powerful. Everybody’s hope doesn’t turn into truth or become reality.  Please be discerning and do not let your emotions get the better of you.  We have brains to actually think.  I beg you to please use this gift wisely.

 

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Are you living in the twilight zone?

October 5, 2012 By 1 Comment

*Clueless, in Noe Valley, wrote me to tell me that he has been engaged three times. His first fiancée broke up with him after living together for two years; and, up to this day, he still doesn’t know why. His second fiancée simply broke up the engagement by handing the ring back to him and he hasn’t figured out why she left him, either. The third fiancée broke up their engagement by leaving the ring on top of the kitchen table and hasn’t spoken to him since. Lately, it’s his parents who are acting strange. They have stopped calling as often as they used to and are no longer making an effort to get together. He’s feeling unloved, depressed, and lost. He can’t figure out why they all left him. He asked me, “Since you’re a woman, you may have a clue as to what happened to my fiancées.” He wants to know what went through these women’s minds that could warrant them to behave in such a way.

Answer: Sorry, but my crystal ball is cracked and you seem to be living in the Twilight Zone, being so disconnected from your own life. I don’t know you and my emails to you (asking more questions in order to be helpful) went unanswered. I won’t be able to be of much help here, but I am going to give you an answer that can work for anybody in a similar situation who is not willing to face what’s wrong in their lives; blaming everyone else for their woes by hiding under the “I don’t know what happened” schtick.

If you have the guts, call all your three former fiancées and politely tell them, “Since I live in the Land of Oz and don’t understand what happens in my own life, I would like to ask you what happened to our relationship that made you leave me. I promise I won’t fight you, and your perspective would be very helpful to me.” Then sit quietly and curb your urges to respond, fight, argue, disagree, or to defend yourself. You’ll learn a lot by being quiet and listening attentively. Remember to stay silent once you ask the question because when you’re quiet, not uttering any words after your question, people have a tendency to fill in the space because they don’t like the silence. They feel uncomfortable; therefore they tend to fill in the space. Also, when we use humor, in general, it makes people relax a bit and be more willing to tell you what happened.

After you hang up with them, call your parents and them you’re coming to visit. Once you arrive, sit at the kitchen table, look them in the eye and ask them the same thing you asked your former fiancées but add, “What made you no longer care?” and wait for the answer. It doesn’t serve anybody well, when one is so clueless about his or her own life. Go find out what happened.

 

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Young woman dating an older man!

October 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

*Lorraine, in Novato, is 22 years old. She has fallen in love with a man 28 years her senior. They’ve been dating for the past 2 years. When she introduced him to her friends and family, everyone was shocked by the difference of age. Her family disapproves of their relationship and her friends are always asking her all sorts of questions about her future with him. There have been instances where strangers mistook them for father and daughter. This has given her food for thought and lately she’s been obsessing about her future, children, and all the challenges that may appear. She wants an outside opinion from someone who doesn’t know her personally and is able to give her a different perspective of her situation as an outsider looking in. Her question is: should she stay with her much older boyfriend?

Answer: Let’s go by parts: the shock, the stares, and the people who are confusing you two for father and daughter, along with your family’s disapproval, draw attention to the fact that you two are not psychologically healthy. Often, the young women who date older men do so because they like the sense of feeling mature and it could also be that they are looking for a father figure who is going to nurture them.

Why is he not healthy either? Because he’s not very mature at all. A mature man doesn’t play with 20 year olds and of the ones who do, it’s because – in general – they’re feeling their age. A young, hard body gives them a sense of being more virile and sexual: it makes them feel manly and much younger. Besides, it’s easier to manipulate a 20 year old than a mature woman his own age, that’s why he’s with you. He’s not with a woman his own age because he can’t handle one and that shows his level of maturity. He’s being challenged by his sense of mortality and virility and the way he’s fixing this is by dating a 20 something year old girl because then his pals are giving him hi-fives and saying “way to go bro”.

If you think carefully, you will see that the two of you are in very different stages in your lives. You’re still working on maturing, forming your own mind about the world and life; while he’s looking forward to retirement. I’m going out on a limb here and say that he’s basically using you for his psychological well being because it’s definitely not in your best interest to go out with a man this old.

In my view you should not be with this old dude. When you’re 50, he’ll be 78 years old; and although that may not mean anything to you right now, it will later. Right now, I believe you need to let him go. Then, assess your level of neediness and figure out what is making you seek out a man that much older. If you can’t figure it out on your own, if it’s available to you, seek a professional therapist. Find a good one that can help you with that journey. Good luck.

*for privacy reasons the name has been changed

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