Do you want to avoid a divorce? Perhaps this will help you!

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

Some rights reserved by State Farm Via Flickr

I often scout the internet for interesting relationships stories and I came up on this one while searching Facebook. Apparently he learned when is all but too late. It is worth a reading.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.



Women who are ball busters.

*Clark, from Alameda, was married for 10 years then got divorced. He spent the last 11 years raising his three daughters – two biological and one from a 10 year relationship he had with a woman after his divorce. All three girls were about the same age at the time (between 9 and 11 years old) when he met his girlfriend.

Twelve years later he met his new wife and he has been married to her for the past 4 1/2 years. To this date he maintains a relationship with the third daughter, today a young woman, since he is a father figure to her and his two daughters consider her like “family.” They all get together for birthdays and Christmas to exchange gifts. His intimidating, angry, and manipulative wife throws a fit every time he talks about this relationship or when he goes out to meet with her and his two other daughters.

Last night, when he came home after meeting the three young women, his wife flew into a rage. He told her he doesn’t want to get rid of the girl because she is like his family. At this, the wife replied that if she ever divorced him, his relationship with her two teenage boys, which he has been raising, will be terminated. Apparently, she told him that she asked 20 of her friends and they all agreed with her on this. He wrote me to ask what he can tell his wife to make her accept that he loves this young woman like his other biological daughters.

My answer:

Oh boy, it seems you chose poorly. You married an unreasonable and territorial BITCH. A loving woman has an open heart, especially where children are concerned; whereas your wife is willing to hurt her boys’ relationship with you simply because she can. So what if twenty of her wacky friends agree with her? (If she’s to be believed.) The fact that twenty people walk in locked step doesn’t mean they’re right.

You need to call a meeting to order. Then look her in the eyes and tell her: “if you continue with the whining and complaining about this, our relationship is not going to continue. I have been a father figure to her. This relationship is important to me and my daughters; and if you can’t embrace that, then I made a mistake marrying you.” If she decides to throw in the towel, then so be it. But you do have a choice and I bet this is not the first time your woman has muscled you into doing something unreasonable. Women like that have a pattern.

I wonder what the problem is that you could not find a soft, warm, sweet, gentle, and feminine woman. I am sure there are tons of them reading this right now and wondering, what the hell is wrong with you that you chose such a bitch.

I will never understand why some men marry women who are such ball busters. They don’t add joy and happiness to one’s lives because they’re too busy busting their men’s balls all the time.


*Name changed to protect his privacy

How the Recession Changed What It Means to Be a Man

The recession seems to have caused men to redefine what it means to be a man in modern America. That’s the finding of a new study that finds that today’s men are evolving and adapting to the challenges of these times—such as  the recession, the increasing number of women who outearn their spouses and men’s altered role in the family structure. And they’re OK with it.

Continue Reading ….. Yahoo Finance

All rights of the story reserved to Yahoo Finance and Business Daily

Man don’t marry vaginas, they marry virtue and values.

Last week a long time friend came to visit me. She was a little sad; told me her dates were not going well. She was trying not to go back to the “virtual” world of dating, but three weeks ago decided to go back and re-join two Internet dating sites.

Apparently, the Internet dates she was getting weren’t working either. She told me that the men she’d been meeting for dates from the Internet websites were just as bad (if not worse) than the men she was meeting in “real” life. They would go on a date for a cup of coffee, sometimes dinner, and the conversation would be very superficial, often leading to “Do you want to come to my place?” or “I have a hot tub, do you want to come over for a little while?” or “Can I come to your place?” Basically, the men would make their intentions known that the expectation was that they’d be going to bed together.

She has liked some of these men and has tried to tell them that she would like to know them better; but she never hears from them, again, once she doesn’t put out. When she puts out, it may last three or four more dates and then she never hears from them again.  She asked me what I thought she’d been doing wrong. She’s upset and wants to get married and make a family; but if things keep going at this rate, she’s not going to have what she wants. She’s starting to think that all men are bad and all they want is to take advantage of women.

I have a different take on this. First of all, I don’t think we should blame the men because it is the sisterhood that is doing that. If women everywhere held themselves at a higher standard and told men where they could go if all they wanted was a good roll in the hay, this wouldn’t happen. But the point I’m making is that some women also like some roll in the hay and then they want the guy to disappear out of their faces afterward as well. I know because I heard a few women say, “So what? I’m horny and I just want to get off with no strings attached.” The problem comes when that same guy gets used to having all those “nookies” for nothing. He starts to think that he can have that with every woman he meets. That’s the kind of men my friend has been going out with.

If all a woman wants is to get off, it’s her prerogative and she has that right. Her body, her choice, her life, let’s keep our tongues out of it (no pun intended) but for all the women who are not into just “getting off,” but who want a committed relationship, it would be in their best interest to open their mouth and say to the men: “I’m looking for a committed, future marital relationship. That doesn’t mean I want to marry YOU. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not dating to hook up and if all you’re interested in is a good hook up, just wait until I’m done with my coffee, you pay the bill and we’ll part ways as friends. That doesn’t make me or you bad, it simply makes us not a match.” That’s it. Very simple.

This is what I told my friend; and I believe, if she makes that very clear, a man who is interested in the same thing as her, he will see her as a prize. He’ll see her as a lady who values herself and someone worth pursuing. Consequently, he’ll cherish her as well. I also had to remind my friend that men don’t marry vaginas. Vaginas are just to play with. Men, who are neither immature nor childish, who want to cherish their women, their future wives and the future mother of their children, marry virtue and values; not vaginas. They love it, but it’s just a special and sweet part that comes with the territory. As the years go by, his “equipment” won’t be working as well as it used to, thus marrying or being with a woman who shares the same values and dreams in life becomes a whole lot more important than vaginas. Some of my readers may not agree with me, but I have heard this time and again from men I’ve spoken with.

By the way, this same friend, three years ago, upon learning of my dateless status, asked me “How do you do it? Don’t you ever feel lonely? Don’t you feel horny?”. Loneliness, it’s a volunteer state and if you fill your life with other things, you won’t have too much time to think of being lonely because you won’t be lonely. Horny? So what? Remember ladies, there are wonderful, small – either battery operated or electrical appliances for that. It will always take you to your final destination within a few minutes if not seconds and best of all, it won’t break your heart or make you feel bad about yourself. Meanwhile you can continue dating and assessing the men you’re going out with if they are worthy of your precious time. The fact that you’re not letting them visit your “private garden”, it will be much easier to move on to the next date if you deem the present suitor not a strong contender for the job.


Is your man obsessed with porn?

I have received a few e-mails from the ladies about their men who love porn. I decided to answer all at once because there were too many to do so on an individual basis. Can a man’s sexual desire for his woman (even in a new relationship) decrease due to his constant viewing of porn?

Well, I have talked to different men who told me that while viewing some porn every now and then is normal, they prefer the real thing instead of fantasy. Even couples watch porn together in order to spice things up a bit. But it becomes a problem when he watches porn constantly, especially while in a relationship.

When a man watches porn consistently, it gets compulsive. There is a consistency and a persistence of self-satisfaction (aka masturbation) while chronically watching porn—this is a man who is not into giving and he’s not very comfortable with intimacy. When he prefers to take matters into his own hands (literally) instead of sharing himself with his woman, or being reciprocal, there is a problem.

Think about it: what kind of man, who has a perfectly real-life woman by his side, would prefer the fantasy of the screen or telephone? Not a man many women would like to have. And yet women stay in these kind of relationships, thinking “there must be something I can do about this”.

Reality check: There is not a damn thing she can do. This is his problem and when a man behaves neglectful in this way, it is hurtful and his woman feels rejected. One way we bond as a couple is by making love to each other and if your man is too busy with his porn, you need to go dating somewhere else and let him continue his love affair with his screen or telephone.