Last week a long time friend came to visit me. She was a little sad; told me her dates were not going well. She was trying not to go back to the “virtual” world of dating, but three weeks ago decided to go back and re-join two Internet dating sites.

Apparently, the Internet dates she was getting weren’t working either. She told me that the men she’d been meeting for dates from the Internet websites were just as bad (if not worse) than the men she was meeting in “real” life. They would go on a date for a cup of coffee, sometimes dinner, and the conversation would be very superficial, often leading to “Do you want to come to my place?” or “I have a hot tub, do you want to come over for a little while?” or “Can I come to your place?” Basically, the men would make their intentions known that the expectation was that they’d be going to bed together.

She has liked some of these men and has tried to tell them that she would like to know them better; but she never hears from them, again, once she doesn’t put out. When she puts out, it may last three or four more dates and then she never hears from them again.  She asked me what I thought she’d been doing wrong. She’s upset and wants to get married and make a family; but if things keep going at this rate, she’s not going to have what she wants. She’s starting to think that all men are bad and all they want is to take advantage of women.

I have a different take on this. First of all, I don’t think we should blame the men because it is the sisterhood that is doing that. If women everywhere held themselves at a higher standard and told men where they could go if all they wanted was a good roll in the hay, this wouldn’t happen. But the point I’m making is that some women also like some roll in the hay and then they want the guy to disappear out of their faces afterward as well. I know because I heard a few women say, “So what? I’m horny and I just want to get off with no strings attached.” The problem comes when that same guy gets used to having all those “nookies” for nothing. He starts to think that he can have that with every woman he meets. That’s the kind of men my friend has been going out with.

If all a woman wants is to get off, it’s her prerogative and she has that right. Her body, her choice, her life, let’s keep our tongues out of it (no pun intended) but for all the women who are not into just “getting off,” but who want a committed relationship, it would be in their best interest to open their mouth and say to the men: “I’m looking for a committed, future marital relationship. That doesn’t mean I want to marry YOU. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not dating to hook up and if all you’re interested in is a good hook up, just wait until I’m done with my coffee, you pay the bill and we’ll part ways as friends. That doesn’t make me or you bad, it simply makes us not a match.” That’s it. Very simple.

This is what I told my friend; and I believe, if she makes that very clear, a man who is interested in the same thing as her, he will see her as a prize. He’ll see her as a lady who values herself and someone worth pursuing. Consequently, he’ll cherish her as well. I also had to remind my friend that men don’t marry vaginas. Vaginas are just to play with. Men, who are neither immature nor childish, who want to cherish their women, their future wives and the future mother of their children, marry virtue and values; not vaginas. They love it, but it’s just a special and sweet part that comes with the territory. As the years go by, his “equipment” won’t be working as well as it used to, thus marrying or being with a woman who shares the same values and dreams in life becomes a whole lot more important than vaginas. Some of my readers may not agree with me, but I have heard this time and again from men I’ve spoken with.

By the way, this same friend, three years ago, upon learning of my dateless status, asked me “How do you do it? Don’t you ever feel lonely? Don’t you feel horny?”. Loneliness, it’s a volunteer state and if you fill your life with other things, you won’t have too much time to think of being lonely because you won’t be lonely. Horny? So what? Remember ladies, there are wonderful, small – either battery operated or electrical appliances for that. It will always take you to your final destination within a few minutes if not seconds and best of all, it won’t break your heart or make you feel bad about yourself. Meanwhile you can continue dating and assessing the men you’re going out with if they are worthy of your precious time. The fact that you’re not letting them visit your “private garden”, it will be much easier to move on to the next date if you deem the present suitor not a strong contender for the job.