*Gina in Lake Tahoe is frustrated with her fiancé because their style of communication is very different. He’s a wonderful, caring man who is always doing little things for her; taking care of whatever is necessary to make her life easier. He brings her little gifts, sometimes flowers, to brighten her day, he often massages her feet but he doesn’t say “I love you” enough for her liking. She understands that all of his actions show that he loves her even if he doesn’t say the words. She also would like him to be a little more talkative, because to get him to hold a lengthy conversation is like pulling teeth. She wants to know, can a couple live successfully and happily married with different styles of communication? Can she overcome the need for him to be more communicative?
Communication between a man and a woman is different- we can’t shut up and they can’t start up. All kidding aside, of course a couple like that can live happily together. Gina, you don’t have to overcome this need to change him; but if he’s as wonderful as you say he is, instead of overcoming it, you are going to simply accept it because that’s his personality and you have yours.
You are going to accept who he is and you will have a successful marriage, but the successful marriage will happen only if you don’t turn into a wench. Don’t say, “Of course I will accept him the way he is,” then marry him and start complaining, nagging, and criticizing that he doesn’t talk. Accepting means you will stop fighting and you will appreciate him for who he is. You said he will clean the snow off your car, will make sure the tires are in good condition and the gas tank is full. All to make sure you will have no trouble while driving in the snow. If you can’t accept that as “I love you,” you should not marry him because you are going to torture him with “oh, you don’t say you love me enough times in the day” or “why can’t you talk a little more?” and that’s not fair. You know how he is before marrying. Look at it as buying a dress “as is” and once bought, you can’t return it or make a complain to the shop because you bought it “as is”.
If you do decide to accept it, try to increase your chances of communicating better. For example, if there is a time when you want to know something specific, ask him a direct question and he will give you a direct and specific answer, “Marshall dear, can we visit my family again this weekend?” Don’t talk around or hope he’ll bring it up. Ask the question and return the favor by giving him an honest answer when he asks you something like, “Honey, what do you want for Valentines?” If you say, “Nothing,” and then he brings you nothing, don’t complain. It’s not that difficult to communicate with men in general, especially when they love us but we have to accept the differences. He sounds like a great guy and I know a few women who would love to have a man doing all these sweet things for them, especially massaging their feet. I hope you learn to appreciate the man you have instead of yearning for something that he’s not. Good luck!