People’s personality don’t change once you marry them

*Lauren, in Hayes Valley, has been married for 9 years. When she first met her husband, they dated for a short period of time and then she got pregnant. They married; and after all these years, and three children, she says that his personality has changed and that has built up so much resentment to a point where she can’t stand him. She’s no longer feeling attracted to him since he put on some weight and that turns her off. Everything he does irritates her. When she talks to her girlfriends, they tell her that she should just get a divorce and  don’t “give” it to him, whether he liked it or not, since her husband still finds her very attractive otherwise just suck it up.

Answer: Lauren is very negative about her husband. One would think that she never loved him. Is that why she couldn’t wait to marry him? Was it so bad that throughout her marriage she managed to make three babies with this husband that she’s so negative about? Hmmm….. and now she says his personality has changed, too.

I hate to break it to you, Lauren, but people’s personalities don’t change once they wear “the dress” or the “cummerbund,” unless they have a brain injury, drugs, alcohol, or some kind of brain disease. People’s personalities just don’t change like that. I think it’s fair to say that you married someone a little too quickly and didn’t know him well; but it’s not fair to say that his personality changed.

If I were to take a wild guess, I would say that you probably have your sights on someone else or you are finding people outside your marriage pretty darn attractive. When things are not so hot at home, we tend to gravitate towards interests that look much more attractive than the slob we have at home. Also, your girlfriends’ attitudes suck. Instead of telling you that feeling the way you are is pretty normal and to focus on the big prize, they’re busy telling you how you have to not put up or suck it up.  You have adopted their negativity towards marriage by putting up with, pretending, and longing for what you don’t think you have and suffering about it.

The reality is that if you think you are the wonderful woman and the greatest partner that your husband thinks about, well, think again. It happens throughout any marriage: ups and downs. Sometimes life gets harder. Sometimes we get a little bored. Sometimes we get a bit frustrated with everything in general. We may even get resentful about things that have nothing to do with our partner, but we put it all on our partner because it’s easier. Then we think if only our partner were different, then we would be happy. Then we blame the other person’s personality, too. Not fair.

Instead of blaming your husband’s personality, make a mission to have a good marriage. Start thinking about the positive things that attracted you to him in the first place. Speak up about him to others in positive terms and do things as if you’re still in love with him. Find some older people who have good marriages and ask the women how they made their marriage work. You will be surprised to find out that every man and woman who has been married, or in a long-term relationship, have been through what you’re experiencing.

The way you’ll make it from one point to another is if you start behaving as though you love him with your next breath.  Bring back some of that same enthusiasm you felt when you first met him and you couldn’t think of being without him.  It may take a little while, but you will feel that way again because your actions will bring out your feelings. Good luck!

 

*Name has been changed to protect her privacy.

It’s never too late to fall in love!

I think Ms. Waitt article is cute, so I asked permission to share. So here it is.

By Cynthia Waitt

Love is fabulous at any age, but being an older bride last year at 54, who had been at the altar twice before, did present some challenges. As I successfully worked through those challenges, I’ll lay out a few ground rules for the older bride or even the older groom. See if these don’t make some sense…

1. SAY YES TO THE DRESS — This is important. It’s your day, even if it’s not your first day, or second. You don’t want to say “bride” too loudly, but you want something that makes you feel beautiful. I spent so much time going back and forth on whether to order the gold mid-length strapless dress I loved that my 29-year-old son took my credit card, filled out the form and pressed the send button.

I still wasn’t sure it was right and I was worried about the “strapless” part of this perfect dress, although now, having spent more than I could afford, I was stuck. Then something strange happened on plane back from New York the day our film “Bully” opened in New York. I don’t usually hang out with major designers, but some of my family do, and two of them showed up that day on my brother’s plane. As I was sitting across from Naeem Khan himself and his beautiful wife, Ranjana, I decided to take the risk and show him the dress. He studied it and pronounced it fitting, as did his beautiful wife, who as I found out later, rocks strapless dresses all the time. The day of my brother’s wedding, (yes, the dress did appear twice that summer), Naeem actually approached me and said, “The dress looks fabulous on you, and you’ve accessorized it perfectly”. I decided I could now die a happy woman. So, find the right one and die a happy woman.

2. BE CREATIVE IN YOUR CHOICE OF OFFICIATES — This is also important. I’m a lapsed Episcopalian and I was married twice by the same priest. At the second one, he politely suggested that this be the last he perform. Fair enough. I was happy with the justice of the peace and two witnesses, but my mother, who thinks you aren’t really legal until a priest steps in, wondered if our priest (different guy this time) couldn’t just say a blessing. My husband is Jewish, not particularly religious, but he balked, and rightfully so. No priest, unless we had a rabbi too, he pronounced. As the rabbi was not available on the day chosen, and because it was starting to sound like “A Priest, A Rabbi and a duck go into a bar,” a judge it was and all was well. So, consider your options — in California, anyone can do it for $25, perhaps a ship captain, airline pilot? I do like the unusual best though. My personal favorite was a gay Wiccan wedding performed by a tarot reader wearing a vintage 1935 dress. That’s absolutely true, you couldn’t make that one up.

3. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT A DOUBLE WEDDING — I bring this up because we had an unusual situation in our family, where my brother and I got both married within 3 weeks. Some poor unsuspecting person who knew that thought it might be a cute idea to do a double wedding. I pulled out my Blackberry, did a quick image search and showed her the other Waitt bride of 2011 — tall, blonde, stunning, 30’s and on the cover of Maxim magazine, and said, “Would you stand up next to this?”

4. CONTROL THE PICTURES — I really like my camera. It’s a good one, but it tends to be somewhat soft focus (a must for older humans being photographed). I considered a pro, particularly when “Bully” director Lee Hirsch told me he would be in town on the date of my wedding. But Lee likes to film up close and personal (watch his films) and I can’t hold up to that at my age. He does do a fine job of photoshopping, as he has done for me, just on his own. “C-Way, I photoshopped you in this one….”

Also, ban all other cameras. Don’t you hate those people who come loaded and ready, shoot really horrendous pictures of anything and anyone, and then post them on Facebook? You don’t want that kind of thing to live forever. Ban their cameras or better yet, ban them.

5. IF YOU ARE EVEN CONSIDERING SOME SORT OF COSMETIC PROCEDURE, REMEMBER….MODERATION IN ALL THINGS — You don’t want to look like what my brother calls “wind tunnel” ladies. Watch the botox! If you get too much, your eye droops. Mine did. That’s why I’m standing so far back in the pictures. Overlarge sunglasses could help with a botox overload. So again, control the photography and if you need extra help, Lee could do some photoshopping. However, now that he’s such a big shot, you couldn’t afford him. I couldn’t either.

6. HAVE IT THE WAY YOU WANT IT — Don’t let anyone tell you where to get married, how to get married, or who to marry. If you are consenting adults and old enough to know what you are doing, do it, and don’t worry about what the neighbors think. Remember, it’s about love, and because it’s about love, it’s not wrong. And, in love, like most things, it’s also never too late.

Do you trust the person you’re in a committed relationship with?

*Marize has been married for 19 years and has two children, one boy from a previous relationship and one girl from this marriage. She also has a 32 year old stepdaughter, Lisa, who is 4 months pregnant and about to get married within three weeks. She has had a very strained relationship with her stepdaughter from the get go and Lisa doesn’t speak to either Marize or her two kids, even though the girl is her half-sibling.

Marize’s husband is not Lisa’s biological father, either; but he was married to Lisa’s mother for 10 years and raised her as his own. He is her Dad and he’s the one walking her down the aisle. Marize and her two children were not invited to the wedding; only her husband. Marize is wondering if she and her two children should go to the wedding even though they were not invited. If she doesn’t go, she wants to tell her husband that he should not go either. Marize is afraid he’ll sleep with his ex-wife; since at the beginning of their marriage, before she had their daughter, he had a brief affair with that ex-wife and the possibility that he’ll do it again is driving her insane.

My answer:

The wedding: You and your children were not invited to the wedding and it is rude to show up anywhere without a proper invitation, especially to a wedding. So, you and your children will not be going. You will have other plans on the day of your stepdaughter’s wedding. I don’t know what happened there, but I am not surprised that there is contention when one marries into a step family situation. Not every step child falls in love with their parent’s new spouse, especially when that spouse brings their own child/children to the marriage. Add a half-sibling to the mix and things can get worse. All of that can cause pain and a feeling of alienation to the previous child/children and one of the end results is what you are experiencing now: the bad feelings are still lingering years later.

Your husband: You don’t seem to choose well, but you chose him. Your first relationship didn’t work out and left you with a child. Then you choose this man who has a child, and in the beginning of your marriage he goes and has an affair with the ex-wife he just left.  Next you have his baby after the affair; and now, years later, you want to attend a wedding that you were not invited in order to keep a watchful eye on him because you’re afraid he’ll have sex with his ex-wife in the broom closet while their daughter’s wedding is going on. Too many years have passed and since you stayed in this marriage, and thought it was a good idea to bring a baby in after the affair, I will assume that you must have patched things up with your husband. But if you think he’s going to betray you again with that woman, then you have no marriage. If you’re going to tell him that he can’t go alone because you’re afraid he’ll betray you, again, after all this time, you should not be married to him anymore. If you can’t trust the person you are with in a marriage, or committed relationship, then you have no business staying with that person. It’s not that complicated. It’s that simple. Stop torturing yourself and living in hell, voluntarily.

 

*Name changed to protect her identity

Man don’t marry vaginas, they marry virtue and values.

Last week a long time friend came to visit me. She was a little sad; told me her dates were not going well. She was trying not to go back to the “virtual” world of dating, but three weeks ago decided to go back and re-join two Internet dating sites.

Apparently, the Internet dates she was getting weren’t working either. She told me that the men she’d been meeting for dates from the Internet websites were just as bad (if not worse) than the men she was meeting in “real” life. They would go on a date for a cup of coffee, sometimes dinner, and the conversation would be very superficial, often leading to “Do you want to come to my place?” or “I have a hot tub, do you want to come over for a little while?” or “Can I come to your place?” Basically, the men would make their intentions known that the expectation was that they’d be going to bed together.

She has liked some of these men and has tried to tell them that she would like to know them better; but she never hears from them, again, once she doesn’t put out. When she puts out, it may last three or four more dates and then she never hears from them again.  She asked me what I thought she’d been doing wrong. She’s upset and wants to get married and make a family; but if things keep going at this rate, she’s not going to have what she wants. She’s starting to think that all men are bad and all they want is to take advantage of women.

I have a different take on this. First of all, I don’t think we should blame the men because it is the sisterhood that is doing that. If women everywhere held themselves at a higher standard and told men where they could go if all they wanted was a good roll in the hay, this wouldn’t happen. But the point I’m making is that some women also like some roll in the hay and then they want the guy to disappear out of their faces afterward as well. I know because I heard a few women say, “So what? I’m horny and I just want to get off with no strings attached.” The problem comes when that same guy gets used to having all those “nookies” for nothing. He starts to think that he can have that with every woman he meets. That’s the kind of men my friend has been going out with.

If all a woman wants is to get off, it’s her prerogative and she has that right. Her body, her choice, her life, let’s keep our tongues out of it (no pun intended) but for all the women who are not into just “getting off,” but who want a committed relationship, it would be in their best interest to open their mouth and say to the men: “I’m looking for a committed, future marital relationship. That doesn’t mean I want to marry YOU. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not dating to hook up and if all you’re interested in is a good hook up, just wait until I’m done with my coffee, you pay the bill and we’ll part ways as friends. That doesn’t make me or you bad, it simply makes us not a match.” That’s it. Very simple.

This is what I told my friend; and I believe, if she makes that very clear, a man who is interested in the same thing as her, he will see her as a prize. He’ll see her as a lady who values herself and someone worth pursuing. Consequently, he’ll cherish her as well. I also had to remind my friend that men don’t marry vaginas. Vaginas are just to play with. Men, who are neither immature nor childish, who want to cherish their women, their future wives and the future mother of their children, marry virtue and values; not vaginas. They love it, but it’s just a special and sweet part that comes with the territory. As the years go by, his “equipment” won’t be working as well as it used to, thus marrying or being with a woman who shares the same values and dreams in life becomes a whole lot more important than vaginas. Some of my readers may not agree with me, but I have heard this time and again from men I’ve spoken with.

By the way, this same friend, three years ago, upon learning of my dateless status, asked me “How do you do it? Don’t you ever feel lonely? Don’t you feel horny?”. Loneliness, it’s a volunteer state and if you fill your life with other things, you won’t have too much time to think of being lonely because you won’t be lonely. Horny? So what? Remember ladies, there are wonderful, small – either battery operated or electrical appliances for that. It will always take you to your final destination within a few minutes if not seconds and best of all, it won’t break your heart or make you feel bad about yourself. Meanwhile you can continue dating and assessing the men you’re going out with if they are worthy of your precious time. The fact that you’re not letting them visit your “private garden”, it will be much easier to move on to the next date if you deem the present suitor not a strong contender for the job.