When in a relationship, do you need to feel safe and secure where money is concerned?

Sorry for the long absence. Was sick as a dog, but today I was able to get out of bed. Hopefully all of you got out of Thanksgiving still talking to your families ….. just a little humor here.  I decided to answer the email below before anyone else. It came in last night and she needed an answer ASAP. After a few exchanged emails, here is your answer Laura.

*Laura, in Los Gatos, said that she has the perfect marriage. She and her husband have had a very loving and peaceful relationship with virtually no arguments, except when they have to talk about finances. Every time they discuss finances, there is a huge amount of stress involved because she feels insecure. She gets upset because he’s not taking her feelings into consideration, and he gets upset because he thinks she’s too emotional. When she gets emotional, the way she expresses herself is by arguing.  She stated that her husband is not irresponsible with money, he’s not a slacker and he pays their bills on time; but every time he wants to make an investment, they get into an argument because Laura “feels” that what he’s trying to do is not going to work for their finances. He should respect her and not disregard her opinion. They had another big argument last night and she didn’t know how to proceed.

Laura, I think your response to him is about feelings and not a factual argument. Your opinions are not based on anything but emotions. When you two are discussing finances, if you don’t understand it, you should tell him to let you research it a little more and then you can discuss it further. In this way, you will know what you are talking about. Put yourself in his shoes. It’s very frustrating when a man wants to do this and that, because of this and that, only then to have his woman say, “I don’t feel like we should,” without any concrete reason. It’s annoying.

Call him up and apologize. If you have an opinion on how the investment should be done, it needs to be based on something concrete; or, if you don’t understand, don’t be embarrassed to ask him a lot of questions. Ask him to explain to you what the positives are, what the negatives are and what the risks are. Afterwards, if you don’t agree with him, you have to come back with something concrete besides just, “I don’t feel like it.”

He seems to be the analytical type; and when you talk about concrete things, you have to be analytical. Don’t try to rule by your feelings. That’s not fair game. One of the reasons you married him was because you liked that he was smart and analyzed things. That gave you a sense of security.  Don’t try to undermine him with emotions that are not based on anything.

You can be emotional and not be embarrassed to express your feelings. It’s ok to feel insecure; but tell him in a way that he can understand. Tell him, “I’m scared that we’ll be in the corner selling plastic key chains” or “If this fails, what will we do?” or “Explain this concept that won’t make us penniless“ or “Can you explain everything to me so I can feel secure?”.  I’m exaggerating a bit but you get it. Call him now and apologize. Make it better.

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