When you care about someone you don’t waste their lives.

“I have been with my wife for 7 years. We dated for 5 years and have been married for two. I have cheated on my wife two times. I married her because I felt pressured by her family. We don’t get along; we don’t see eye to eye on finances or goals and have problems with communication, etc… I feel really bad about cheating and I told her I just kissed this woman; but of course I did more and my wife forgave me. I feel trapped.” Marshall in Portola Valley.

Marshall, why did you have an affair so soon after you married your wife? Usually, within two years people are still ga-ga over each other. From your email, I understand that you don’t love her. You married her under pressure and don’t truly love her. Having affairs, especially so soon after marriage, is not a loving behavior. That’s not what we do when we love someone. Since you have no kids, I would beg you to let her go. You need to set her free so she can find a man who loves her and who wants her. You’re acting like you had a shotgun marriage without the baby; and because you feel you were forced into this marriage, you have some license to find what you want someplace else. Well, if that’s the case, she deserves better. She needs better. She needs a man who’s going to be loyal to her especially if she’s going to have children.

You have to man up and own up that you don’t want to be in the marriage. Don’t waste her life keeping her around. If she stays long enough, she’ll have a kid. Then you’ll betray her again and she’ll forgive you, again. Then you’ll betray her again, and etc… We all have the duty (as civilized and compassionate human beings) not to do this to someone. If you care about her at all, give her a gift, let her find a man who truly wants her. The fact that you’re feeling guilty for what you’ve done is because, thank God, you have a conscience; a little bit of one anyway. You have some thinking to do because when you care about someone, you don’t waste and use up their lives.

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