When your man tells you something important before marriage, believe him

*Angela, from San Carlos, has been married for over 5 years to a man she met when she was in high school and then reconnected with 24 years later. After a whirlwind romance, and three months after the day they reconnected, they were married.

She has twin girls from a previous boyfriend, and just three months after she married the girls left for college. Things were great in the beginning of the relationship; but as soon as the twins left home her husband, who drank a bit before and during their marriage, started drinking a whole lot more. For the past 1-½ years his drinking has become progressively worse. When he’s drunk he can become abusive towards her; but when he’s around her family, he can hide his drunken ways very well. Otherwise all he does when he’s home is drink, and the weekends are worse.

She’s tired of his drunken ways. She gets upset when he drinks to a stupor or drinks so much that he forgets what he told her the night (or the day) before. She’s constantly upset and has tried to help him overcome his alcoholic ways by telling him to go get help, go to rehab, or do something about it. He refuses. She feels that he lied to her even though before the marriage he told her all the time that he had a drinking problem; but she didn’t believe him. She thought he was kidding. She feels duped, deceived, and lied to. She’s Christian and she’s struggling about leaving or not because she believes marriage is sacred.

Answer: I asked Angela if she had been serious when she wrote me that he told her several times that he was a drunk. Yes, she was serious. He did tell her several times that he had a drinking problem and that, yes, he was an alcoholic.

Angela cannot plead ignorance on this one because, after all, he did not lie to her. What some alcoholics do best besides drinking is to lie; but he didn’t. We cannot blame that one on him because had he not disclosed that he was a drunk, he would have entered fraudulently into this marriage contract and then Angela would have been unable to make an informed decision about marrying him not knowing that he was an alcoholic. Therefore, upon finding that he was a drunk, she could have rescinded the contract; but there was no lie. He told her the truth and she chose not to believe him.

Moving on now: you knew he was a drunk, Angela. You tried to help him. You told him to go to rehab and he didn’t want to do it. Also, I didn’t know you were supposed to take abuse just because you’re Christian. You can use this excuse of being a Christian to avoid making a hard decision if you wish but all I know is that we can all interpret the Bible 1000 ways from Sunday, and why are you going to stick around for more abuse is beyond my comprehension. I don’t have a direct ear to God; but if I did, I don’t think that’s what He would want. Isn’t HE supposed to be a “loving Father”?  Why would he want you to be abused? Makes no sense to me.

Since you already tried to help him, and you’re going nowhere fast or slow, I think you have done more than your part in trying to make a positive change. You can’t help someone who refuses help; besides, it’s his responsibility to get help, not yours.  I believe if you continue in this marriage, your twin girls will find out sooner or later and then you will lose their respect. You don’t want your girls to think that it’s ok to stay in an abusive situation or look down on you because you’re unwilling to make the right decision for your life and I don’t think, staying with a mean drunk, who’s abusive is the right situation to be in it.  How much more time are you going to waste in this bad marriage? I think you should admit that you made a mistake marrying this guy within three months of knowing him and call it a day. Stop the abuse. Next time, don’t marry someone you just dated for three months and when men tell you something this serious, please believe them.

 

*Name has been changed to protect the reader’s privacy

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