Withholding sex? Not a loving behavior!!

This weekend, while discussing various topics with friends, nothing flared up people’s nerves more than the views on withholding sex or getting divorced when a person falls out of love in marriage. I thought it would be an interesting topic to write about. Here is a short and sweet post about “falling out of love” and “withholding sex” while being married.

I believe men and women can both be equally guilty of “withholding sex” and destroying a marriage because they no longer feel the “warm fuzzies” or they don’t think they’re “in love” anymore; but I have to say, talking to the ladies, I believe we  have the market cornered where “withholding sex” is concerned. Men do it as well, but we’re the clear winners … I know, I’m going to get some lashes for this one; but I stand by my words. Bring on the wet noodle.

Every love relationship falls out during some points. There is no such thing as a long-term marriage of great love where the couple involved felt like they were “in love” and enthralled every day. That doesn’t happen. That’s not reality. There is no long-term relationship where the feeling of “I’m not in love with this person anymore” doesn’t come along. We don’t feel like we’re in love with the same person all the time.

Life intrudes; the couples go through tough times together; everyday life becomes a routine; children arrive; sickness or death in the family may happen, etc.  Many factors come into place and the reality is that a lot of things that happen in everyday life are not so sexy anymore. But for all the little things that happen along the way, commitment comes into play. That’s what commitment is for. That’s the bridge that takes us over the tough times. If one keeps this in mind, the transition from not being in love today and falling in love with your mate tomorrow, again, will be much easier.

On withholding sex: If you see yourself doing this, or have done it in the past, quit it; it is simply mean spirited because you are using sex for punishment. You don’t stop making love to your spouse/mate because you didn’t get what you want or because you are irritated with something small. Leave that for something really big; but, hopefully, you will talk it out and straighten things out before getting into that place. We bond to our spouse/mate by making love to them; and when we withhold sex, we are taking our love back. That’s not loving behavior.

*This little piece of advice from above was given to my teenage friends and me when I was just 13 years old when the old women folk would gather the young girls around to talk with them about life and men.  They always made sure to repeat that little mantra, above, every time they got us all in one room. May Dona Herta rest in peace. Her advice about life and men never let me down.

PS: I think I need to clarify that this post refer to husbands who are lovely to their wives, who clean, do the laundry, watch the kids, treat their wives respectfully, protect and provide for them. This post does NOT apply husbands, who are mean and abusive to their wives.


  1. I read your article and I don’t disagree with you that witholding sex as punishment is unloving behavior and wrong.

    However, a lot of relationships have bigger problems than just nagging and little tiffs and it’s relationships where there are bigger problems where husbands will use your article against his wife. With that said, I feel that a husband who is verbally and mentally abusive on a regular basis needs to straighten up and fly right before expecting wifey to “make love” to him. At some point and after so much disrespect, you can’t exactly call it “witholding” anymore. Abuse has it’s way of affecting a woman’s libido. Perhaps there is another end to the spectrum that could be touched on here.

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